Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome back to another episode of the sit down talk podcast. My name is Kier and I'm Noemi.

Speaker 2: 0:05

And we welcome you.

Speaker 1: 0:05

Clap it up for you for being up in this joint.

Speaker 2: 0:08

I always hit the microphone.

Speaker 1: 0:10

Backhand today. Good claps, if this is your first time here, welcome. Make sure you go back and binge all of our episodes just so you can catch up, understand our philosophies, understand how we come about the things that we come about, and all that and whatnot. But if you are a group of people that I refer to as repeat offenders, man, shout out to y'all.

Speaker 2: 0:29

Uh-oh, a moment, a little moment. All right, come on.

Speaker 1: 0:33

Let's get some housekeeping done real quick, okay, okay, so this is the last episode before we take a summer hiatus. We're not going to be posting any more pods over the summer. We're taking this time to spend time with family, the rest and recalibrate make sure we come through with renewed energy. We care a lot about this platform and, uh, one thing we want to do is make sure that we stay refreshed yeah we got to tap back into each other yeah you got to unplug and tap in sometimes and it's hard to come up.

Speaker 2: 0:57

not come up, but like this, this channel, this platform, this thing that we've been doing for like seven years now, it's like real in the middle of our relationship, going through it kind of process, and you can't really put that on a schedule, we don't. If we had to do this every Tuesday for 52 weeks, like we would run out of things to talk about.

Speaker 1: 1:18

It wouldn't work. We wouldn't have the same. I don't want to do this every week. Nah, we want to make sure, or?

Speaker 2: 1:23

like that shoot 15 episodes about feelings. No, I don't want to do that.

Speaker 1: 1:27

I don't want to do that either, and that's one thing that keeps us here is the fact that we love this joint.

Speaker 2: 1:30

That's what makes it special.

Speaker 1: 1:31

We want to make sure that we keep the love. It's just like any other relationship. Sometimes you see each other a little too much. You need to break. So and also, this is a different episode than most of the ones that we post this is going to be a mailbag episode. So two things one, we're going on a break. What's a mailbag? You? You always ask that in the comments below. Noemi hasn't heard of the term, but all the podcasts I listen to, especially sports podcasts, have a mailbag episode, and that's when you take questions from the audience oh so it's like I know.

Speaker 1: 2:01

I know what that is.

Speaker 2: 2:02

I just never heard it called a mailbag before.

Speaker 1: 2:06

Yeah, mailbag episode.

Speaker 2: 2:07

And all podcasts I listen to, actually do that too. I didn't know there was a word for that.

Speaker 1: 2:10

That's kind of cool. Okay, so this is a mailbag episode. So this is a mailbag episode and a few weeks ago I asked my followers on Instagram ask me and knowing me a question. Anything you want could be about anything. We'll answer the ones. We'll answer a couple of them live on air.

Speaker 2: 2:26

We're not live it's late, y'all as you can see, I have not seen these questions and I think here is gonna answer them randomly yeah, we flying there blind. You want me to just read some of them just also like pre-read it first, because remember how we used to do this on the lives man. I end up reading the question.

Speaker 1: 2:42

Halfway through it I realized this is something I don't. I shouldn't be talking about, right? Right all right, so a couple questions is off the top. I think I got about 100 responses in 24 hours, so thank y'all for that. You see all these yeah, they're gone.

Speaker 2: 2:55

All his stomach's just going bloop, bloop all right.

Speaker 1: 2:57

So someone asked are you happy question mark. Someone else asked what's the biggest lesson your marriage has taught you in Noemi.

Speaker 2: 3:04

No, I mean just pick one and let's just. Whatever one you want to do, let's just go for it or do you? Want to read out all the questions.

Speaker 1: 3:10

I just want to read out a few of them so we can get our idea of the tone. Someone said ever thought of opening your marriage. See, that's why I should have read that ahead of time.

Speaker 2: 3:18

I just said to read them in your head first.

Speaker 1: 3:21

Opening our marriage for what? For business, like a store? That's a wild question to ask and then not address.

Speaker 2: 3:32

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 3:32

But I'm going to leave that right there.

Speaker 2: 3:34

Why you already said it.

Speaker 1: 3:35

Would you?

Speaker 2: 3:37

Nah, yeah, me neither. I have no interest. Nah, I mean if that's your thing.

Speaker 1: 3:41

go do it, man, be happy. It's just not my thing. I'm an only child. I don't like this shit. Nothing. A lot of baby number three questions. Someone asked can you be in a marriage with a narcissist? What's your goals in the next couple of years? All of that stuff.

Speaker 2: 3:55

Okay, I like that question.

Speaker 1: 3:57

How you want to do this. You want to just like let's not rapid fire, but we want to get through as many of them as we can.

Speaker 2: 4:07

Yeah, that's what I'm saying, cause some of them do require a little bit more words.

Speaker 1: 4:15

Some of them are just comments. Somebody says I love y'all's conversation. It makes me want to be a better wife and mother.

Speaker 2: 4:19

That's so funny.

Speaker 1: 4:21

Thank you. I won't say your name because all of these are anonymous.

Speaker 2: 4:23

Yeah, are you ready All? Oh, I love that Thank you.

Speaker 1: 4:24

I won't say your name, because all of these are anonymous. Yeah, all right, you ready? Mm-hmm, all right. So what I'm going to ask is never mind.

Speaker 2: 4:33

Why would you ask?

Speaker 1: 4:34

that Exactly. It's Wild West out here, boy. As a married couple, what advice would you give to a single woman in her 30s? As a married couple.

Speaker 2: 4:44

What advice would you give to a single woman in her 30s? I mean, let's go from the most generic and then if we want to dive deeper, we can dive deeper. Most generically, I would say for life. I'm assuming you want like life advice, maybe navigating whether or not you want to be in a relationship, and the only reason why I say that is because you made a point to say single. You want to be in a relationship, and the only reason why I say that is because you made a point to say single.

Speaker 2: 5:08

I would say to do everything that you can to get to know yourself, because I think sometimes people say make sure you're happy before you jump into a relationship. Happiness comes and goes and I don't know if happiness should be something that you should be searching for, but I think who you are, what makes you happy, what brings you back to life, the things that you like to do, hobbies that you might like to do, people that you might want to invest in, I think discovering who you are, what you are, how you want to be, is the most important thing, because then you can identify what happiness looks like in different seasons of your life, whether you're single, whether you enter a relationship, whether you become a parent, like whatever, that's what I would say.

Speaker 1: 5:54

I think you said happiness isn't your goal.

Speaker 2: 5:58

I don't think happiness is the best thing to strive for at any season of your life, because what is happy? Happy, and how long do people actually stay happy? You know what I mean. Like not that, like you should not be happy, but I have found that I I am most at peace, most secure, most content when I can acknowledge happy in the moment and not be completely devastated if it doesn't last okay, you know and I feel like me spending at least one at the time that I met you.

Speaker 2: 6:30

I'm also putting myself at the time of when was I happened happiest before I was in a relationship with you, like what made me the happiest or more content or more more secure, whatever outside of my relationship? And that's when I was getting to know myself, figuring out the types of things that I wanted to do, going out by myself, you know. I mean like just getting really comfortable with me, and that's what I would tell somebody in that season. So I get comfortable with you. How does that make you feel? What are your thoughts?

Speaker 1: 6:58

I think my advice for a single woman in her 30s is to take a good look at some of your goals and your aspirations, things that you've been wanting to do for a long period of your life. Whether they be social goals that you want to hit, whether they be financial goals, whether they want their career, educational, academic goals, whatever, Take a look at them and evaluate whether or not those goals are still in line with who you are currently.

Speaker 1: 7:24

Sometimes, we set the goal for a dream when we're 18, 19, and we get so caught up in pursuing the dream and becoming the thing that we don't realize that we're completely different now. And that thing that ignited us and just had us on this track of yes, I'm going to go get it, this is the thing I want to be. We're still chasing it, even though that's not really the fuel that fires us anymore. Do an audit on your goals. Do an audit on what you want and how you want to be. Do an audit on who you want to surround yourself with and feel comfortable in the idea that, no matter how much momentum you've gotten over the years of doing and being this thing and surrounding yourself with these people, you can always pivot and go in another direction right.

Speaker 1: 8:02

I love that you got the right to pivot and go in a direction that suits the person that you are right now. Um, so, yeah, man, how many people you know been in school? They in law school, and they wanted to be a lawyer, they wanted to be a doctor and they wanted to be these things since they were five and bro, you want to go paint?

Speaker 2: 8:18

yeah, go paint go, go.

Speaker 1: 8:20

I mean be able to pay your bills. Right, be able to pay them bills but give yourself the opportunity to paint.

Speaker 2: 8:25

And just because you can't quit your job to be a painter doesn't mean you can't put the time in to to refueling, refilling yourself, refilling your cup one thousand percent. Yeah, one thousand percent all right, we aligned, we aligned, or whatever equally y'all, equally y'all um oh, this one is good so this person says, yeah, I'm sure I read the whole thing this time I'm learning um advice for people moving in together and keeping separation and connection okay, can I add a caveat?

Speaker 1: 8:59

yeah, I like a.

Speaker 2: 9:01

Kiera and I are only children who also very much enjoy our separate time.

Speaker 1: 9:08

Seriously independent Our space our independence.

Speaker 2: 9:12

It's a priority in our relationship.

Speaker 1: 9:14

Mutual exclusivity in the way that we do life.

Speaker 2: 9:17

Keep that in mind as we're stating our answers, because I acknowledge that fighting for my independence might be something that's just in my blood and in my nature, and it's not always something easy to recognize or to do. So that's the caveat.

Speaker 1: 9:33

Okay.

Speaker 2: 9:34

Because we'd be like why wouldn't you want to be by yourself? Why do you want to be with people? You like people. If you watch?

Speaker 1: 9:40

the sit down talk. You know that's a conversation we frequently have.

Speaker 2: 9:43

Yes, I'm always saying don't talk, you answer this one first now.

Speaker 1: 9:47

So I think a good thing we were kind of forced by circumstance to live together. We were having a baby. We needed to figure out whether or not this thing was going to work, and that's one of my motivations of moving together is our relationship is at a point now that's make or break, and if we can't cohabitate, this is the point where I want to know that, yeah, I'd rather have a terrible year living with you and understand that it's going to be terrible and make a decision how we're going to move forward then move in with you three years from now and already be emotionally invested, and we're terrible cohabitants.

Speaker 1: 10:20

Loving somebody and being able to live with them are two completely different things and they don't always have something to do with each other so, um, I guess my advice would be um, really have a conversation about that's the, that's the driver. Yeah, I gotta fly out at 4 am.

Speaker 2: 10:40

It's crazy to go to vegas, and he's been on two separate trips within the past five days.

Speaker 1: 10:47

I don't want to deviate too far Okay, all right. No, no, no, you good, you right. Let the people know what's up with me, but yeah, so boom. One thing you can do is decide on space what's important to you. You all need to have a space of mutuality where your stuff has place to exist and their stuff has place to exist. I think this may have been a woman who asked the question. So it can't just that space can't just be a representation of you and what you like.

Speaker 1: 11:12

It has to be a representation of what the both of you are like, and this is going to be your first test of compromise.

Speaker 2: 11:16

And that's going to be a hard test. I'm going to just tell you now nothing about it is attractive.

Speaker 1: 11:25

It's not supposed to be easy, sorry, real talk, that's just honesty, and but in that space, y'all are granted a real opportunity to figure out how you can find common ground when you may see things two different ways.

Speaker 1: 11:32

Design whatever, this is a test of um of control of both of you. All need to control your space around you and and the things that want. This is where the negotiation of love happens like at this point. So the advice is to take these opportunities not just as pain points for y'all to disagree on, but I think this is a real good opportunity for you to test your ability to grow in the same direction, or y'all ability to have conversations where you have a difference of opinion and find something that that's harmonious for the relationship.

Speaker 2: 12:04

Yeah, I love that. I think the only I mean, it's not even a thing to add, but just another thing to think about is, um, one thing that really worked for us, and I think it's twofold. I think we tried, failed the first couple of times, but tried to make sure that each of us had our own separate space within the house we still, it was hard to do that in the apartment, but when we moved to the town home.

Speaker 2: 12:30

Like you had the basement and I had the little like dining room area, like even if it doesn't have to be a designated space, like this is an office and this is a game room. This is this, but just a space where you can say like I can do whatever I want here.

Speaker 2: 12:43

I can design it however I want. You know it's a space just for me, nobody else needs to be there Like just a private space within the house number one or within the living area. And then number two is to allocate time consistently where you're free to do your own thing. I think sometimes, when you guys live with each other, you get into the habit of doing everything together all the time. But if you know, like you know, if you play tennis or you play some type of sport or you do some type of activity, you know every week or every couple of days or whatever, that's your time, that you can do something by yourself or you can choose to do nothing, but you know that that time is factored in. Yeah, it's yours.

Speaker 1: 13:22

And same thing for your partner.

Speaker 2: 13:24

You know, I think once you have kids it's a little bit harder to do that. And I know you were saying you were a single woman. I don't know if you have children, but with the things that you acquire, with the relationship oh no, this wasn't the single one.

Speaker 1: 13:34

Yeah, that was the other person.

Speaker 2: 13:36

This person is in a relationship, right. But yeah, I don't know if you have kids. But just understand that as your life gets, as you move on life and you pick up things have children, jobs, whatever you still have to make sure that you're making that time consistently for yourself, because if you don't, you're going to wake up three months, three years later and you're going to realize that you did not have that time.

Speaker 1: 13:58

That's good, you know. Just one thing to add to that before we move to the next question. This is a she raises a good point and, to prepare for that, a good conversation that y'all should have is what's your expectation of spending time together? Oh, that's a great question, because we used to get in there all the time.

Speaker 2: 14:16

And we had different definitions. She said babe, I miss you.

Speaker 1: 14:18

How you miss me. We in the bed together every night.

Speaker 2: 14:21

Well, we don't talk.

Speaker 1: 14:22

Exactly. Proximity to her is not time spent. Proximity to me is time spent. Time spent with her is attention, intentional time that's set aside for deliberate interaction yep ah, how do you know that you walk in thinking my idea of this is everybody's idea of this, and that bias is going to cook you when you cohabitate? So that's a part of that process is just making sure y'all on the same page expectations of time spent together, expectation of having a different group of friends because we got caught up in that trap understanding who this person's friends are, understanding how this person likes to spend their time.

Speaker 1: 14:58

Some people like to clean up all day in the house. Some people want to chill. And if you're the chill person, you want to piss off the person who needs to clean all the time. And if the person that needs to clean all the time, you're going to feel like a super ball of anxiety to the person that needs to chill, and neither one of y'all are wrong you just go about something in two different ways so something to think about.

Speaker 2: 15:19

Yeah, and it took us years to figure it out. So it's trial.

Speaker 1: 15:22

It's trial and error, guys I'm gonna be smoking people on couples counseling all the time I can imagine oh, this is a good one so it says society normalizes attraction towards others outside marriage, often thoughts explain the question to me a little bit, so I think what they're trying to say is society has normalized being attractive to someone other than you, being attracted to someone other than your significant other, and they want our thoughts I.

Speaker 2: 15:45

I guess the part that I'm I'm getting hung up on is society normalizes it.

Speaker 1: 15:49

Like I don't get it because you know how I am break it down for me, because I'm not trying to say that we are now okay as a society, with people being attracted to people outside of their marriage but haven't people always been? That's. That's the part that you're trying to make sense of that's just this person's philosophy, okay the thing is, it's not society normalizes it. People are attracted to people outside of their marriage.

Speaker 1: 16:13

When you become married, a switch doesn't turn off when your eyes just don't become less attractive, like I'm not laughing at you, because it's a question you really have, but people seem to think that, like bro, I'm married, not blind.

Speaker 2: 16:28

Yeah, and also, attraction doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to step out of like. When you say attraction, what do you mean? Like somebody handsome, somebody good looking? Are you willing to like end your marriage for this Like? I just feel like there's a huge jump between attraction to it being a threat to your relationship.

Speaker 1: 16:46

And that's why the whole talk about relationships and dating is so un-nuanced, because some things fall under umbrellas that don't belong to them. Being attracted to someone is one thing that is a human impulse but acting on that attraction is another thing. Acting on that attraction deliberately and consistently is another thing. Those are different things. The way I equate it is.

Speaker 1: 17:10

It's levels to it. I got a video of this on IG, I think, where the way I try to explain it to couples is like finding somebody attractive is like somebody knocking on your door. It's immediate. You can look up. You can't help but to notice that the cashier is pretty. You can't help but to notice that the young man that passed by is very handsome. You can't help. That's an automatic thing your brain does. There's somebody knocking on your door. Now you can't control who knocks on your door, but you can control what happens next. You can open the door and peek out. You can just look at your phone and look at the video monitoring system and never touch the door. You can open the door, start a conversation and sound like man what you want, or you can open the door and let them in. So it's not that we're getting hung up on the door being knocked on. Oh, that's so good. We don't. We never move past the piece where the door gets knocked on. That's not. That's not the thing. That's ridiculous to think.

Speaker 1: 18:09

That's a ridiculous expectation for me to have. I don't mind. But it also comes into question where your sense of respect, but where your? Sense of practicality in relationships is and where your sense of security is, sometimes Because it can be a thing around being insecure.

Speaker 2: 18:25

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 18:26

But yeah man.

Speaker 2: 18:27

Yeah, I have nothing to add.

Speaker 1: 18:30

I have nothing to add, have nothing to add, no notes relationships are a strange space man we abandon conventional wisdom when it comes to love we get a little delulu, that's it so the question is how to support a good man who is struggling to cope with the weight of his duties. So I feel like this needs a bit of conversation before we jump into it.

Speaker 2: 18:49

Yeah, I agree, sometimes hold on, let me take a sit, go ahead nah, nah, do your thing, take your 70.

Speaker 1: 18:54

So with men, I think that there is a overwhelming social expectation for us to handle certain duties like and of course the same thing happens with women, of course, but with women, a stereo dude. Stereotypical duties usually fall along the lines of child-rearing, organization and remembering all the things, the connectivity pieces of a relationship. And with men, the stereotypical duties usually come with being a supportive spouse and the financial part. The financial part Sometimes, when men are struggling with those duties because those characteristics are associated so closely to manhood and masculinity.

Speaker 1: 19:34

It creates doubt in a man's mind on whether or not he's really a man when he can't handle those things, and also it creates doubt in his partner's mind sometimes whether or not he's really a man. That's just the cognitive scaffolding of how we now view masculinity. It is what it is. So how do you help a man who's struggling to cope with his duties? First off, I don't know many men who aren't struggling to cope with their duties, especially husband fathers. And if you're a husband father like sole income provider, it's, it's quadruple it, whether or not you feel proud to carry that badge or not those two things can live in the same place at the same time yeah, absolutely, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 20:15

Um, you know I have a hard time answering this question because I don't know, as a partner, what you can do if that person themselves doesn't see that they're being consumed by the duties. Men have this propensity to just kind of like internalize our feelings, swallow them and say I'm doing OK, and not really trust the people around you to help you in the process of feeling better or not really wanting to share your burden of being sad or feeling heavy with other people. If that man within himself can't find a place where he's hurting and is in need of some help or in need of some support, there's nothing you can do to help him. I think that if he is someone who needs a little something, I think one of the most general touches you can do is just tell him that you see what he's going through. Don't assume that he knows just because you love him, that you see it Like babe, you're carrying a lot, you're paying the bills, you're doing this, you're doing this, you're doing this.

Speaker 1: 21:13

Then validate that feeling that looks like a lot. Then share with him that you can't relate to that feeling I have no idea what that's like. I can't imagine what that's like for you and then offer some support. You know I love you, you know I appreciate you and you know I'm here if you ever want to just rap about it. And you gave him, even though he may not take it, don't take that as your failure. You gave him the space and the opportunity to say the thing. That's a word that characterizes the heaviness, and there's so many men that don't get that or don't get that enough. So just one of the best things Noemi does is just she put her, I got my hand on her hand so she's smiling, but she hold my hand.

Speaker 1: 21:54

Sometimes she's like babe, I just let you know. I see it looks like you've been struggling a little bit and I'm so thankful for that, because I can't feel it. I don't have no quit in me, I'm a dog when it come to work. I'm going to work. I'm going to work I'm going to provide for my family. We always going to be good. I will work myself to death and never see it.

Speaker 2: 22:15

And she tells me hey, baby, I ain't seen you smile or laugh in a minute, baby.

Speaker 1: 22:17

I ain't seen you take no time off, baby. I didn't see you. She's my eyes outside my eyes. That is what you do, because being a protector provider, no matter how benevolent we characterize in our society shit we we characterize in our society, shit is hard, man, and it's a lot and it takes something out of you that you can't always get back.

Speaker 2: 22:36

It's a lot in the, in the actual question. You guys can't see it. Are we gonna put him up? I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think we need to. But she emphasized good man and I think the reason why I can relate to this so much is because it's relatable to you and how you kind of struggled with a lot of things that have been happening within the business and how fast the transition and the trajectory has been and granted.

Speaker 2: 23:02

this is going off of assumptions and I'm trying to use context clues within the questions context clues within the questions.

Speaker 2: 23:14

Um, if you're saying that you have a good man, which you probably have recognized these things y'all have probably had conversations about this and I feel like you're probably asking these questions because maybe you've tried some of the things that we've suggested and it hasn't been hitting. And if that is the case, I feel like I can relate, because kira has been in that situation. When you say we're like you, I can. I can tell that things are heavy and I try to be there for you, but it doesn't necessarily help. And I'm assuming that this, this person is asking this question because they've tried something and it's not helping. So, right, exactly, and that's that's exactly where I'm going.

Speaker 2: 23:50

The next step is sometimes people just have to feel their feelings and sometimes people just have to. It's so hard to see the person that you love and you care about. You know, the person that you want to see happy, not be happy, but that, going back to what I said about happiness being so fleeting, that's a human experience. A lot of the level ups that we do are in response to us overcoming a not so pleasant, not so happy time. So, in addition to everything that I'm saying, that Kira was saying to do. I think another thing is just to hold space for that person being in a transitional area in their life. You know, I think that being somebody to walk through the issues with versus being the person to solve the issues for that person, holds weight, if not more weight, because you're allowing the person to have their experience, you're allowing the person to sit in their feelings, you're allowing the person to be vulnerable, without it requiring anything more than them existing for you.

Speaker 1: 24:51

You know, what I mean absolutely, and even hearing you say that one thing, I think she just illustrated what you do. I think that is what you do. What you don't do is you don't internalize your inability to be helpful to them in that moment as an indictment on the strength of your relationship or the indictment on your ability as a partner. One of the worst things that I see happen all the time is when partner one is sad. Partner two wants to pitch in to make them feel better. Partner one doesn't feel better from partner two's attempts. Partner two doesn't get the validation. And now partner two is upset and resentful. How dare you make me feel like a bad partner because you don't need any help? Well, maybe you're too far gone. And then, you know, begins to pathologize the partner, a whole bunch of stuff, and then it becomes more about partner two's feelings than partner one's. Issue happens all the time.

Speaker 1: 25:41

So just something to us, yeah, yeah for sure it's something to be mindful of, because it's easy to take you not taking my advice or you not accepting my help personally. Yeah, it's easy to take you not taking my advice or you not accepting my help personally.

Speaker 2: 25:51

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 25:52

It's easy to take it that way, and what that does is de-center the original person. Now their issues aren't even the center of the conversation, but they were the bailiwick of this whole thing. That's exactly why we're here is because of this person's emotional I don't want to say turbulence, but emotional stress.

Speaker 2: 26:08

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 26:09

That make sense?

Speaker 2: 26:10

No, it does it actually not to deviate too much, but it reminds me of a question that somebody asked me. Yeah, somebody asked if we can write a video on what it looks like to meet our partner's concerns with curiosity as opposed to defensiveness and I thought, when we come back, that's yeah, yeah, we can do a whole episode on that, we could do a whole season.

Speaker 1: 26:32

Yeah, maybe that could be your next uh uh course we'll see we'll see we'll see, but being able to slow down and be curious has been so helpful to our relationship because, curiosity slows down assumptions.

Speaker 2: 26:45

It slows down blaming it slows down accusations, it just slows it down, it gives you a moment to think and be reflective and be introspective and see not just how you feel about the situation, but where you fall in the situation.

Speaker 1: 26:58

You know. I feel like that's really helpful it's an emotional reset.

Speaker 2: 27:02

It is an emotional reset of sorts I agree, I agree.

Speaker 1: 27:07

Um, okay, I love that. Uh, oh, this is good. Somebody said what is one parenting thing you each is super good at and super bad at?

Speaker 2: 27:15

let's answer it for each other oh my gosh all right now make it fun. Nah, let's do that. That's a good idea. So one thing you're super good at is um not, you might disagree hold on before we answer one thing that we're super good at and one thing that there's room for improvement on okay, hr, but also, like I don't want to hear that I'm bad at, like, no tone matters, I'm with you, you suck at this.

Speaker 1: 27:41

I was taking it that way anyway, I just thought it was like a phrasing thing, but we can. We can phrase it like that. So one thing you're super good at is not allowing like you don't. When the kids piss you off, you still react like in a way that's playful a little bit. Yeah, I don't think they ever think they make you as angry as they do no and it's amazing how you do that.

Speaker 1: 28:02

You find a way to say why are you stepping on my foot? And the baby done stepped on your foot like five times.

Speaker 2: 28:09

You told her not to and you make it like a playful situation because they're so sensitive to tone and I know like I'm short and I get annoyed very easily and I would hate for them to like I also get over things easily so I would hate for them to like really be upset about something that's not that deep. So I try to match my my annoyance with what I think they can handle without being too upset you are masterful at that.

Speaker 1: 28:39

Um and one area of improvement for you? I don't know you might not agree, but getting the kids to do what you want them to do without bribing them yeah, it just don't be working for me.

Speaker 2: 28:54

It kind of leads into what I think you're good at. I think that the kids genuinely enjoy doing things that you enjoy. So really like you like just being outside yeah, you know what? I mean, like I'm not going to the bouncy house because I got a silk press, I'm not going outside because I have a silk press.

Speaker 2: 29:11

I'm not running outside because I have a silk press. Like I am like that girly girl that I don't like to get dirty, I don't like to sweat. My ideal situation with my girls is to lay out on the beach all day, every day. Like I don't like labor, I don't like to do anything. You know, I like to sit and read books and be by myself. Why can't they sit and read books next to me and be, and then be by myself? I'm also a mother that breastfed them for two years each. Like I walk into a room and nobody else exists, they want to crawl back into my uterus like it's just. It is wild. It does not matter. They could be, they could be with you for a week straight and be like mommy. I don't love you. The minute I'm sitting down in my bed and they walk into a room where they're going straight to me in my bosom.

Speaker 1: 29:59

It's a full time job keeping them out of her butt crack.

Speaker 2: 30:02

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 30:03

It's a full time gig.

Speaker 2: 30:05

So no, I agree with you. I think I think the answer to the room for improvement things. I agree with you. I think I think the answer to the room for improvement things. I think I have to do a little bit of a better job. Trying to find things that I enjoy, that they all like. Trying to find a thing for us, like the thing really be like getting our nails. It always costs money.

Speaker 1: 30:21

Like I have to find something free.

Speaker 2: 30:23

It's never free, Like every time y'all go out we spend a thousand dollars smack and it account gets smacked. It costs $100 an hour to be outside.

Speaker 1: 30:32

It does not, it really doesn't, I promise you.

Speaker 2: 30:36

But I haven't. I have no, honestly, like I just haven't found things that I also enjoy. I don't enjoy any of the things that they want to do.

Speaker 1: 30:44

What's my area for improvement?

Speaker 2: 30:46

Um, your area for improvement is with parenting, is like accepting that this parenting thing is always going to be a thing.

Speaker 1: 30:58

Oh yeah.

Speaker 2: 30:58

You know, because you'd be like I'm just going to hang out with them on Saturday, Like why are you still upset? We went out on Saturday, they it's an everyday job.

Speaker 1: 31:06

It's an everyday thing, it's never enough.

Speaker 2: 31:08

It's so crazy and you wake up every morning for the past eight years like. I gotta do more.

Speaker 1: 31:13

Like, yeah, like it's every day. What was that movie with Drew Barrymore when every time she woke up, 50 first dates? Yeah, that's being a parent.

Speaker 2: 31:21

You're treating parenting like a job. This is your life, this is your everyday.

Speaker 1: 31:28

I don't accept that.

Speaker 2: 31:29

Yeah, I can tell I'm struggling with that.

Speaker 1: 31:31

That's where we need to improve a little bit. They need so much all the time. Yeah, and when I got it, that's cool. Yeah, but when I don't.

Speaker 2: 31:38

Can I add to it really quick yeah, please Like them Saturdays that you, of course you're tired Like you don't do that in a day, you do that over the course of a week.

Speaker 1: 31:52

I got to learn to chill man.

Speaker 2: 31:54

You get energy and you be like I'm going to go for like a 15-mile run. It's like no, just go for one and chill.

Speaker 1: 32:02

It's like when you ain't got money, you spend it like you're never going to have it again when I got energy. I'm like oh, I'm up today, I'm gonna do it all, let's go.

Speaker 2: 32:09

Let's go for three hikes I hate everybody and then go to the pool and then get pizza, and then get ice cream and then stay up till 2am, but them days be so lit. Yeah, they be lit until you wait, it's like. It's like going too hard in the bar or at the club.

Speaker 1: 32:28

Now I'm going to learn to dial it back. I'm not but I'm going to try. I won't, but I'm going to try to try, though Maybe it works like that because you yeah that's okay, I think trying to try works.

Speaker 2: 32:39

But I think it works because we're so opposite and I feel like I don't know that it's always going to be this way, like I'm definitely when you out with them all day, what am I doing? I'm home and I'm ready to.

Speaker 1: 32:50

I got the energy to do all the things Like, maybe I'm just not that parent. It works for us man, I feel like it works. All right, let's do some rapid fire because I want to get through more of these. These are deep. I wasn't expecting them to be deep. They always get deep on us, man.

Speaker 2: 33:03

We just had a fun episode, so I'm I didn't expect to like think this much answering these questions.

Speaker 1: 33:09

Ooh, what's the best thing about child marriage?

Speaker 2: 33:13

Ooh, can I answer this one first? Oh, it's going to sound so cheesy, but hear me out. You.

Speaker 1: 33:18

Something cheesy with love, come on.

Speaker 2: 33:21

Why you got to be all of that. Never heard of such a thing. Like you, don't have to be that extreme. That's what you need to improve on your sarcasm.

Speaker 1: 33:29

that's dead, it's never gonna happen.

Speaker 2: 33:31

That's who I am. No, um, what was the question? My favorite thing?

Speaker 2: 33:35

yeah, favorite thing about our marriage, my favorite thing about our marriage. Yes, it's cheesy, but like he's really my best friend, like we are, we are like homies in the best. We are homies in the best way. Like you know how. Like if you're a woman listening to this and you got girlfriends, but you know like you got that one girlfriend that you can just kiki with and it's like every time you with them, you think you're going to come home at one time and you come home like the next morning. Like you, just you can talk to them all day. You run into so many different tangents. You have the inside jokes. They understand you. They finish your sentences Like it's no pressure and always a good time. That's how it is with me and him without the kids. Like that 's, that's just how it'd be so much fun. And I think sometimes I'm surprised that it's still like that after 11 years two kids oh, and two kids and a business like we.

Speaker 2: 34:27

We literally work together every day and like there are definitely couples that work together.

Speaker 1: 34:32

Y'all understand what we talk about that business. So that's the third child oh my gosh.

Speaker 2: 34:36

But like when we do finally have time to ourselves and like it doesn't happen often, but when it does it's always such a good time. Like I can't believe, like I still like you. I never like nobody this long and I don't be like you. I said he don't like people. Like I like to talk to new people, I like meeting new people, but I want to be by myself. Why are you talking to me? Why are you looking at me? Why are you asking me for something?

Speaker 1: 35:02

why are you over there looking at me?

Speaker 2: 35:06

but I and I hate being around people that suck too much of my energy out and um, I really love like. You're just a homie for real mine is along the same lines.

Speaker 1: 35:17

Um, I still look forward to having fun with her. I still look forward to fun. We got some vacations coming up this summer, man. They give me something to look forward to. I'm so wait, do the people not say lit anymore. I heard it wasn't a thing babe, I ain't been in style so long. I don't even pay attention to my this summer is about to be popping.

Speaker 2: 35:33

I mean that's worse. Popping is worse.

Speaker 1: 35:35

Listen, we old, we old damn it yeah whatever we say old people, stuff I'm going to just put this one out there. No, I got to.

Speaker 2: 35:43

No, what baby.

Speaker 1: 35:45

Okay, it says I've the summer of last year, I didn't even see that. She's seven months pregnant. Do I confess?

Speaker 2: 35:54

Say it again. I'm sorry, I interrupted you.

Speaker 1: 35:55

No, it just says I've had a crush on my manager since the summer of last year. She is seven months pregnant, do I confess? I'm not going to answer yes or no, I'm just going to say this what do you want out of that situation? What do you genuinely want to happen? And then, what do you expect to happen? And then my final question you may need to gather some other like brains for this, just to get different opinions, but what's what's practical in that situation? Is this for her or is it for you? What, what, what you want, man? This person's about to have a baby that I don't think is yours, if you confess that is it. Are you trying to embark on a relationship with them or are you just trying to get something off?

Speaker 2: 36:37

That's a really good distinction to make.

Speaker 1: 36:39

Yeah, I don't know what motivates your desire to tell them this, whether you're looking for a relationship or whether this is just something burning on the back of your mind. But when people have a lot of stuff going on, sometimes it's not helpful to add another thing. Or you're talking about this as your manager. That adds a dynamic where that could be quite inappropriate in the workplace and you don't really know whether or not we come across thinking this like hey, I really like you, but then it's, it could become an issue of. That doesn't come across the way you think it does and it comes across as more, I don't want to say creepy, but undesirable or maybe forceful or inappropriate. It's just I don't.

Speaker 1: 37:19

I just don't see the nutritional value in that confession. But you know the situation better than I do. I just had to address that in case you were watching. This is a two-part question. It's really good. The first part asks me how do I avoid being a therapist to my wife? And then it asks Noemi, how do you avoid being a lawyer to Kier and collecting evidence in defense? That's a great set of questions right there, a lawyer to him.

Speaker 2: 37:51

But I definitely think that we take the skills that we've learned from those professions and find ways to add value to our relationship using that. I think that usually when I'm having some type of an emotional issue, I always go to him for, like you know how you get a second opinion for, like a medical issue, I go to him to get a second opinion like am I tripping, am I not? And not to validate what I'm feeling, but to really use his expertise to say, like you know what maybe the issue that you think is might be something deeper, it might be something unrelated to this person, this thing, this problem. And I trust him and I use him, you know, I use his skillset to help me, you know, figure those things out. And I feel like my brain is very analytical and I always rush to pros and cons and you know I ask a ton of questions to get clarity and I feel like that helps a lot, either with the business or with logistics, with the kids.

Speaker 2: 38:48

You know, like even with the whole saying that you spend the whole day on Saturdays and you take them to 15 different things. I'll clear my schedule for the evening because I know the minute that kira comes home and puts his head on the table, I mean puts his head on the couch, no matter what he says he's about to do. That night nothing is going to get done. But me having that foresight and the analytics, you know the information I can figure out what we're doing that night, I can clear the next day so that he doesn't have to wake up with the girls Like I have the foresight to look into things that way.

Speaker 1: 39:18

That harmony helps so much with us Because we had to practice that it's pretty seamless. It wasn't always like that at all. It took a lot of tough conversations and getting it wrong in order for us to get that harmony right, and one of my motivations is the fact that I don't want to always be at work.

Speaker 2: 39:36

A therapist is what I do.

Speaker 1: 39:37

It's not who I am. I'm not just a dude that has a specific skill in a specific area, just a boy just a boy, just a boy, just a boy. Listen, there's a whole thing on twitter about how that phrase don't hit the same. Yes, it does. Thank you, I appreciate you sometimes I have to remind myself that too just a boy man, I'm trying to figure it out, like everybody else a lot easier to acknowledge as a mom.

Speaker 2: 39:59

I will say once I became a mother I saw it so different. I love you differently now because I imagine the way that you were loved. I imagined, you know, if I look at you like, you're just a boy who grew up like, how would I love that boy if they were behaving like this, if they were feeling like this, if they were going through something like this.

Speaker 2: 40:18

That's why you, the GOAT man, you make it easy to love, because you give me grace and you give me space and you don't fault me for being a little behind and figuring stuff out emotionally.

Speaker 1: 40:31

You just let me do my process and I appreciate that you give me enough for me to give you enough for you to give me enough. It's like it's a symbiotic relationship why'd you choose me?

Speaker 2: 40:41

I saw that one. Why'd you choose each other?

Speaker 1: 40:44

uh, let's end on that. Why did you choose each other?

Speaker 2: 40:46

I don't. Yeah, let's end on that.

Speaker 1: 40:48

I don't have a profound answers for why we, for why I chose you. I'll tell you what. So if you've been here for a while, you know that me and Noemi have different love philosophies. Hers I'll let her describe hers but, mine is based on practicality. It's not about anything whimsical or sexy when it comes to love. It's not about romance. It's about what makes sense. It's not about feeling butterflies or being swept off of the feet.

Speaker 2: 41:14

Don't ask him. If I give you butterflies, he's like what are butterflies?

Speaker 1: 41:17

none of that is important to me. What's important to me is whether you and I have the material to maintain a successful partnership over a long period of time, and for that, for me, it takes somebody who's self aware. Like you had. A lot of dudes say man, I want a friendly and submissive wife. I was never I mean friendly to me, sure, but I was never big on the whole submissive wife thing. I was. I. I needed some. I needed a partner who was more so. I needed intelligent, I needed intellectual, which is different, completely different thing. I. I needed someone who was brave, I needed someone who was confident and I needed someone who had great emotional regulation skills. That was important to me. And you have to be able to hold a great conversation and I have to be physically attracted to you. That's a lot of things. Yeah, it is a lot of things yeah, it is.

Speaker 2: 42:14

You feel that way about me. What, all of those things, what, for real? What?

Speaker 1: 42:19

you, I married you. I don't you talk this, this because you only know this version of me. Yeah, how many of my frat brothers, my friends, any homies, I have forever walked up and like kira really got married. That's crazy. How often do you hear?

Speaker 2: 42:33

that All the time, nobody ever thought that.

Speaker 1: 42:35

I never thought that.

Speaker 2: 42:36

To this day. To this day.

Speaker 1: 42:39

I still I'm not, and we can talk about this later. I'm not the biggest advocate for marriage. I'm not. I'm not a huge advocate for marriage, and we can break that down later on down the road.

Speaker 2: 42:51

And we can break that down later on down the road.

Speaker 1: 42:52

Next season We'll touch into all of that I'm an advocate for this marriage because it makes sense and it's healthy and it's fruitful and it moves forward and it's considerate and it's compassionate and there's so much love and understanding there and it's something to learn.

Speaker 1: 43:09

It's something to learn all the time and the space. Just it feels good to be in, it feels good to contribute to, it feels good to be in, it feels good to contribute to, it feels good to grow, it feels good to grow within. It just feels good and I could have been. I could have been an idiot when it was that time to decide whether or not this is what you want to do or not, you could have I almost was, I almost was, you know I kind of of was.

Speaker 2: 43:31

Anyway, you know we made it through.

Speaker 1: 43:33

But I knew that if somehow I didn't make a conscious decision to be with you, that I'd be comparing every woman I ever met to you forever.

Speaker 2: 43:42

And that's such a horrible feeling. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 43:45

And then the person you do choose has to live in the shadow of this woman they've never met. And you'll never admit it and it'll just take space in your relationship. So I met and you'll never admit it and it'll just take space in your relationship. So I ain't want that. And you had all those qualities and I never met anybody who I could talk on the phone like that for hours with. I mean for hours and not get bored with the conversation, and it feels stimulating and it feels gratifying.

Speaker 1: 44:07

So, yeah, all of that was really important to me. Um, I started us off saying it wasn't that deep and it ended up being very deep, so that's how I knew you was the one for me.

Speaker 2: 44:17

What made me choose you was it was a couple of things. It was more about a feeling than it was about like specific things. It was no, it was specific things and those things just meant so much to me. One of the biggest things was you know, karen, I started off in this situation ship and we would get into little arguments and silent treatment and I'm not talking to you no more, because we weren't official. So it was like something didn't happen.

Speaker 2: 44:47

Something happened that we didn't like and I think the first thing in our minds was like F it, I'm not in a relationship, I don't got to deal with this. I got options. I got options, I ain't got to worry about all that. And of course, those situations happen. Those little spats happened, but you always were willing to apologize and get it back, like in the beginning of our relationship. I never did that. I was like he ain't going to call me, I'm not going to call him, but he always ended up calling a couple of days and you were always like let's talk about it. I've never been in a relationship with somebody where that happened ever.

Speaker 1: 45:25

I know you was just protesting Like. This is ridiculous.

Speaker 2: 45:29

Let's just talk about it, and I think for me, the reason why it was so important is because I've I've I don't want to say always, but I haven't dealt with somebody that was like that. That was like you know what. I don't think that this argument is that big of a deal. Let's talk about it. It doesn't matter how big or small it was, it was just. It was protest met with protest. There was no meeting in the middle, and you kind of taught me how to handle that in a more mature way and it just made me feel safe about going through life situations like you didn't act like a child, I know, just just for lack of time and wanting to explain it, but I felt like you acted like a grown person and human being. I'm a grown man, big grown man. That was one of the reasons why I chose you, and I think another thing was just the way you love me, like you love me, so he's always loved me so loud.

Speaker 1: 46:25

That's such a lovey-dovey answer.

Speaker 2: 46:27

I'm so lovey-dovey, but like my mom always said, you know, make sure you're with a man who loves you more than you love him. And it sounds it's deeper than just the words.

Speaker 1: 46:37

But it sounds crazy.

Speaker 2: 46:38

Yeah, but I think people will understand what I mean when I explain it. It's like you love you. You're not. Your love isn't conditional. The way that you show love isn't conditional on how you feel. You could be upset with me, but still show me you love me, you can you. You love me by giving me grace. You love me by letting me make mistakes and not holding it against me. You know what I mean. You love me by understanding that I'm human and I'm not perfect. You acknowledge the ways that I try and fail and you highlight the fact that I tried, not the fact that I failed, and then you celebrate my wins when I get it right.

Speaker 2: 47:13

You know what mean. Like all of those things really matter. All of those things really build a level of trust that, like I've just never had with anybody and this was before we were official. So I'm just like the qualities that I have in you and the qualities that we need to work on in order for this relationship to be long lasting, and looking at the two, like going with you, I felt like there was more of a probability that will make it work and the things that I didn't like didn't feel like deal breakers to me like, I guess for me it made sense too. You know what I mean, I guess. I guess we're saying the same thing. I just have a really lovey-dovey, razzle-dazzle way of saying it, but essentially it's the same yeah it made sense, it, it.

Speaker 2: 47:57

It didn't make sense to go with anybody else. It didn't make sense to end the relationship like for real. For real, were there moments where I wanted to?

Speaker 1: 48:03

yeah, but it didn't make sense to yeah, that's the practicality piece for me like how much sense does this make at the end, when it all falls down? How much sense does this make for the long run? Now, if you're watching this episode and you're trying to think about how much sense it made, or you're trying to think about the questions and compare it to your own perspective of us, probably somewhere along the way you realize that we didn't give you a hug at the beginning of the episode oh, shoot, it's all good damn my bad. Spring that in, because we're about to disappear for the summer.

Speaker 2: 48:34

Damn. Why does it sound so morbid?

Speaker 1: 48:36

It's not morbid. We disappear for the summer. We'll be back, we're not disappearing.

Speaker 2: 48:40

We're taking a break. We're going to see you after vacation.

Speaker 1: 48:43

So I want y'all to take this time Definitely lean in the family, lean in the self Lean, lean in the self identity, lean in the self-respect um lean into the things that feel good, get a hobby get a hobby, walk outside, decenter things that do not make sense in your life and that do not positively move you forward.

Speaker 1: 49:08

Don't ignore your feelings, you know. Don't just push past your pain. Pain is a signal telling you hey, you need to pay attention to me right here and take care of yourself, because when we come back at the end of the summer we want to see y'all happy and whole.

Speaker 2: 49:20

And we're going to put that ass to work.

Speaker 1: 49:23

Put it to work, boy.

Speaker 2: 49:25

Emotional gymnastics. This is your time to take everything that we're giving you.

Speaker 1: 49:30

Look at us challenging the audience.

Speaker 2: 49:31

I'm giving you summer homework. You got a summer project to complete. Kira's not giving you homework. I am. Can I speak?

Speaker 1: 49:41

Go ahead, reclaim your time. Go ahead your homework.

Speaker 2: 49:44

Whether you've been watching us for seven years, watching us for seven months, or this is your first episode that you're seeing, go back, Take everything that you've learned from us, all the things that are in your emotional toolkit Apply it. Apply it little by little. Just watch a video. We have a lot of videos for you to catch up on.

Speaker 1: 50:03

And the way that we create these videos.

Speaker 2: 50:05

You can absolutely watch them more than one time. I would say take those little things, take those little nuggets, apply them over the course of the summer. And let's debrief when we come back.

Speaker 1: 50:15

See what they do for you. Yeah, see what they do for you. I got to catch a flight. I got to be out of here at like 5 am. Yeah, it's already like 10 something, I think, I don't know. That's not the right time.

Speaker 2: 50:25

Oh, not yet. Okay, it's not that bad. Immersed, hey, we are really excited to see y'all at the end of the summer. Take care of yourself, take care of the spaces around you, and we all let y'all down. Wait, oh my god. Bye, guys. We'll see y'all later. Okay, okay, okay, bye. Thank you you.