Welcome to the Sit Down Talk

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome back to another episode of the sit down talk podcast. My name is Kier and I'm Noe, and we welcome you. Clap it up for you for being up in this joint. Look. We figured out the mic thing. Low time off do a lot of good. If this is your first time here, welcome, we welcome you. Make sure you go back and you listen to or watch all of our episodes, depending on whether you're on YouTube or whether you're audio streamer, do that. But if you're one of the people we refer to as repeat offender that for those that don't know, repeat offenders are folks that keep coming back to the sit down talk time and time again let's go ahead and bring that thing in. That's a hug. If you're audio listener, that's a good to see you.

Speaker 2 0:35

I like that voice, like the asmr. Is that what it? Is um yeah, let's sit down the video, just like this asmr irritates me after a while.

Speaker 1 0:48

Okay, it's a certain microphone you have to use, but as soon as you go, oh god, that sounds gross now.

Speaker 2 0:54

I don't want to listen anymore.

Speaker 1 0:56

People listen to people chewing, which to me is torture.

Speaker 2 1:00

This is never mind he hates it, though, and like I a lot. I chew like a goat, the babies chew like goats, and we just like especially if we're in the car, we all know that we have to stop chewing Because daddy just gets quiet. We're like oh, we done, did it now?

Speaker 1 1:16

And I hate to be the one that, like I, don't like people walking on eggshells around me because I feel a way, but sometimes they be chewing and you can hear the spit coming in and out the gum.

Speaker 2 1:25

Okay, baby, baby, stop. I know, I know, but you're talking about it.

Life in the In-Between Seasons

Speaker 1 1:30

That's my experience. That's what I'm feeling in real life. Today is going to be a very dope episode. We really excited about it. We're talking about. We've been doing a lot of episodes about where our relationship is in real time and today is no exception. You want to intro that thing?

Speaker 2 1:43

Yeah, I feel like in a lot of our sit down talks we give advice, even though it's not super direct, but it's like coming from a place of experience.

Speaker 2 1:51

So let me tell you how things are working and what we're doing, and I feel like that's a lot of work and I feel like a lot of people who are listening to this do the work. But what does life look like in the in-between? And that's something I've been really thinking about, because I will say that Karen and I are in this really interesting season of our relationship. I don't think we've ever been here and we'll talk a little bit more about what that is later. But how did we get here and what does it feel like right now? I think we're on the cusp of a breakthrough in what our like lives as far as independent lives outside of who we are as partners, outside of who we are as parents, outside of you know who we are in this relationship, but like kind of going back to who we are as people yeah, not with our friends picking up hobbies like who are you outside of your family and your kids?

Speaker 2 2:39

the individual piece exactly, and I feel like we are getting there, but this is the first time that I'm recognizing it and it's a. It's a space that we've never been. You know, I think we've been climbing for, you know, clarity, climbing for some type of peace, and I see it on the horizon for the first time ever, with two kids where we are in our business and where we are in our marriage. We've never been here before, so, but I feel good about it for the first time after a long time.

The Seven-Year Itch at Year Five

Speaker 1 3:06

I feel good about it. I'm the opposite I feel good about it and I always have felt either neutral or good about it. But the difference for me is I finally see what people are talking about. Like they say the first year of marriage is the hardest. I disagree, at least not in my experience or couples I counsel. The first year is very challenging and it's a shock to the system. But saying the first year of marriage is the hardest is the same thing as saying the first year of parenthood is the hardest, like yes, because you haven't experienced a three-year-old yet, or 14 year old that's why it feels the hardest.

Speaker 1 3:39

But there is this difficulty that comes between, I would say, five and seven. From everybody that I talk about, you hear about a seven-year itch and for y'all that don't know, the seven-year itch is this space in a lot of couples marriage where they really think about divorce in that seven years. And at first I thought it was because of animosity or hate, and it's not. Sometimes it's because of the inverse of that. It's because of the mundane and the routine and just the repetition of it all and how you greet that and still seeing your person as a person that you can't meet with repetition. You got to meet them with specificity, you know, and that's a bar.

Speaker 1 4:15

Say that again I don't remember what I said.

Speaker 2 4:16

You can't meet them with repetition. You have to meet them with specificity.

Speaker 1 4:20

I said that yeah, oh that's all right, that's true, I like that, but it's it. That's all right. That's true, I like that, but that's true. And I think we're a year. We're going on year five. No, we're going on year six, and we're very intentional people. And if we weren't this intentional, I could see how all the busyness of life just starts to throw dust in your marriage and you just can't see the other person anymore. I used to be judgmental of that.

Speaker 1 4:45

I'm not judgmental because how can you not see the person right beside? Y'all go to sleep together every night, y'all wake up together, y'all own stuff together. That's the thing. That's the thing, and it becomes repetition, like, okay, let me check off this box, but your person is not a box, and sometimes just the inverse of that. You doing stuff for yourself is like let me me check off a box, but you're not a box, you're an individual and, like I said, you can just get washed in this thing. So that's something that we want to talk through today, to kind of get folks' heads up or maybe have folks reminisce and rethink about where they are in their own journey. Or even if you ain't married and you single and you just want to see what it's like we about to go through all that today we're talking about it in real time.

Speaker 2 5:25

Right, there was just a lot of gems and a lot of bars over here. So, um, I encourage you to go back and listen, because even like it was going so fast, but I think you brought up a lot of things, and I think the biggest thing was um, keep in mind, I've never heard this analogy before, so I'm hearing it most of the most of the stuff that we talk about are in real time.

Speaker 2 5:43

So basically, I have I'm having a mind blown moment and I'm trying to catch what just happened. I loved when you were talking about how, like you also have to realize that you're not a box reason you need to do in your relationship, in your life as a parent, whatever and I don't think a lot of times we give ourselves that grace when we're doing the work that we are. Also we.

Speaker 1 6:11

We have to be as flexible and as as open and as fluid in the kinds of relationships that we develop with other people in the same way that we look at ourselves 100 that's really hard it is hard I say this thing all the time if your goal is to take care of everyone and you don't take care of yourself and you feel that taking care of everyone, because you don't consider yourself in that number and we think that that level of sacrifice or martyrdom or abnegation is like of merit and maybe.

Speaker 1 6:39

But if your partner doesn't receive it or see it, or they got their own stuff going on, you can build, uh, resentment toward that person for not seeing what you feel is obvious. But what they feel is just another thing in the process of things that they have to be attuned to.

Advocating for Your Own Wellness

Speaker 2 6:54

So, yeah, it's man crazy yo, and there's layers to this so many. What care just explained is that's just simply the way that we are viewing other people. We haven't even started talking about how it reviews upon ourselves. You could be doing the work and doing everything that you got to do for your partner, but are you doing what you got to do to be good?

Speaker 1 7:14

that's why I hate 50 50 conversations because that's what y'all talking about 50. Like don't on this side that does not matter it, just we don't ever talk about it. It's not a thing.

Speaker 2 7:27

So shameless plug. I posted about this on YouTube and I believe I've. By the time that this comes out, I would have put it on Instagram. We were talking, I was talking about the concept of harmony over balance. You guys have heard me say it a million times, that's my favorite bar.

Speaker 2 7:40

You know, I just I love the concept no-transcript, like when you're looking for it, what does it look like when you're trying to do it? And that's just in my relationship with myself. That's not even the relationship with my man, it's just relationship with myself. That's not even the relationship with my man, it's just yo. It's a lot. But yeah, we're gonna go into a little bit more specific uh, uh I guess in-depth way to kind of start this conversation, because we're kind of all over the place right now. So we've been in this really interesting season, wouldn't you say in our really well, first, let me ask if you agree, because I feel like we're in a not weird, it's not weird.

Speaker 1 8:45

It's not weird. It's so new it feels like it's just, it's unfamiliar. Yeah, and it's. I thought that we had the tools to avoid this and we ended up falling into it anyway. Yeah, I don't mind talking about it because it's not embarrassing to me it's. I wish more people talk about it openly so that I could realize that I'm not. It's not embarrassing to me, it's. I wish more people talk about it openly so that I could realize that I'm not. It's not bad or weird. It's just a part of the process for a lot of people, yeah.

Speaker 2 9:11

So what season are you in right now?

Speaker 1 9:13

um a season where, like our connectivity takes more work for us to feel connected.

Speaker 1 9:19

It used to just be, you know, we just boom I saw vibing vibing has always been our thing and it's just been such a natural thing that now it takes more work. I saw this instagram post with this man and this woman just hugging each other. Man, and they said, um, purposely reconnecting with your partner because y'all are toddler parents. And wtf is this? And we talk oftentimes on this joint about how you know, we don't agree that kids aren't in the way of marriage. We don't agree with that. We don't agree that responsibilities aren't in the way of marriage we don't agree with that. We think all those things are in the way tremendously Like the huge impedances to just you all's mutual happiness in finding that joy in togetherness, because it takes you away from your person.

Speaker 1 10:07

And now, it's just like such a good way to put it all the stuff we gotta do, man, and just the talking about the stuff. Sometimes it's just like an association thing where if I see her she starts talking, my response would be like what, what's up? What's going on? What do I need to do? I ain't never been that, but I associate you talking with me with me having to do something. And it's not her fault. It's not her fault. Our family has logistics. This shit is like running a multi-international business, running a family. That's why so many people be resentful to their spouse, cause they don't.

Speaker 1 10:37

they run into business solo, at least they feel like they are but but we try to be connected, but the more if you listen here, you know I hate to be talked to like don't ever talk to me a day in your life. I love talking to her more than anybody on the planet. So it's like this weird juxtaposition of I need to talk and be in communication with my wife to make sure we're bonded and we're close and our family's good and all the logistics, but the other side's like god damn, I'm talked out. And then the other side of that triangle is don't associate our conversations with anything but work now. And you know there's people. All the work is fun.

Speaker 2 11:11

Have at it. I don't know anybody that said to me.

Speaker 1 11:14

People public facing be putting on a mask.

Speaker 2 11:16

I don't know them people. Yeah, I'm not attracted to those types of people, those types of energies.

Speaker 1 11:21

Listen, if there's an easy button there, I'm hitting it. You, those types of energies, listen, if there's an easy button there, I'm hitting it. You can do all the hard work and feel better about it afterwards. I want a life of more ease when possible. So it's that piece and I hate that. I hate feeling like that, but I don't know how I can not feel like that.

Speaker 1 11:48

So my part of it is trying to rearrange my brain, so that I not rearrange, but reframe my thoughts so that I have more grace for the soft spots where that stuff just needs to live. Yeah, I figured out how I'm figuring out how.

Speaker 2 11:53

Yeah, I definitely see a change there. I definitely see a change there in you. I I can't point exactly to what it is, but I see a better maybe not like overall happier disposition, but I see a better maybe not like overall happier disposition, but I see better. You know what?

Speaker 1 12:07

I mean.

Speaker 2 12:07

I see you figuring it out and I'm just giving you the space to figure it out and you kind of let me know what you need. And, similarly to what you talked about, you know the season that you're in. I feel like I'm in a season where, not like I can fall back because you didn't have it together, but so many of the decisions that we had to make as a family, as a as business partners require, like us, constantly checking in with each other and making a mutual decision. I feel like I don't have to ask you. Like even business wise, I can make decisions for the business without coming to you.

Speaker 1 12:44

I didn't always feel that way.

Speaker 2 12:45

You know, I felt like everything had to go like to both of us and I just feel like I've been able to fall back and work on myself, because it wasn't like I didn't work on myself because I didn't want to. It's just hard.

Speaker 1 12:59

It's a lot to juggle at once.

Speaker 2 13:01

It's so much to juggle. I'm busier than I've ever been. I feel good about the decisions that I'm making and the things that I'm taking on, but it is a much busier life than I expected. I've been out of my job for two years.

Speaker 1 13:15

Yeah.

Speaker 2 13:16

And the mentality back then was like hashtag soft life, soft wife, soft girl, soft mom Like I'm going to be chilling, there ain't nothing.

Speaker 1 13:25

Where's the soft? It's heavy on the life.

Speaker 2 13:28

It's heavy on the life, heavy on the life, heavy on the mood.

Speaker 1 13:31

Light on the soft.

Speaker 2 13:33

Light on the soft and I still want to be a good wife, though you know what I mean. I still want to be a good mom, like this business. If this works out, this is what we're going to be able to give, give back to our families who are descendants. Like this ain't no light. You know what I mean. This isn't something that I'm not going to put my all into, but, like in doing all of that, it's just like yo sis, like where are you and all of this, and I find myself blaming you, blaming the kids, blaming the business, like even saying sometimes like I don't even want to do this, no more, damn and you set me free telling me you blame me because I blame you too, I mean, and then I'm like it's not her fault.

Speaker 1 14:09

But yeah, man, I want to blame it on you. So bad, because it just it makes it easy nobody else to blame, like it's you. I ain't think about it like that.

Speaker 2 14:17

You're the only other person there I mean, but it kind of is it's your fault because why you had to go out here and be famous and be doing all these moves and keep me with them.

Speaker 1 14:24

Kids, 24, it's your fault why you want a self-identity like why can't you just let me cook like dog, like? Why do you want things for yourself exactly that I have to support? Just let me worry about me dog.

Speaker 2 14:34

Nah, I understand wow, that's a real moment. Yeah, thank you for saying that. You set me free when you said you blame me.

Speaker 1 14:40

I'm like damn, because I be blaming you too I just talk myself, listen back it's everybody's fault, okay I dilute it with reality everybody, everybody's been catching else, if I love you, you've been catching it.

Speaker 2 14:50

I just haven't said it because it's petty and it's my feelings. It's not real life. But is that what I'm doing? Yo, everybody's taking l's in my heart. What?

Speaker 1 15:01

a Kevin boom, boom, everybody going to die.

Speaker 2 15:12

But in you know, I think, saying those feelings out loud, and not only feeling those things, but like intentionally going to the people who I expected to be there or expected to do certain things that weren't necessarily done, like being honest with them about how I felt, not about blaming part, but about the I miss you, the feelings part yeah, like I miss you.

The Weight of Financial Responsibility

Speaker 2 15:29

I feel like I don't have any time to hang out with my friends like if I could, if I, if I did have more time. Like this is these are the things I want to do with you, or you know. I mean like planning smaller things. So, like one of my best friends, she has two under two right now and she's my ride or die. I can call on her and anything but she's dealing with the kids. She works for the feds.

Speaker 2 15:49

Like it's a lot going on and we've had to be really intentional about the time that we spend, even if it's a voice no, I mean 10 minute voice notes like hey girl, I'm probably not gonna talk to you for two weeks. Let me tell you all the crazy shit happening in my life right now.

Speaker 2 16:06

You know, or like sometimes we meet up. We made up at nine o'clock pm just to have one piece of wine together, because we still up to one o'clock in the morning stressing about our kids Might as well be stressed with your best friend on the couch sipping wine. Like I think that's just a little like it took so long to get here, but like doing those little things and I know you've been hanging out with your homeboys a lot lately like that has just been so good for me, like I didn't know that you can do this but you hit the nail on the head, though it's the moderation piece.

Speaker 1 16:39

It's not the fact that you can't do it, it's just that the way that you did it when you only had to worry about you versus the way that you do it when all the responsibilities are falling on top of you. It's two different ways. And the way that you can do it when the responsibilities are falling on top of you is a truncated version of what you're used to. It's it's not the whole thing. Like if you used to going to the sub shop and getting you a foot long. That's the four inch joint that they give free for valentine's day. Like. It's like. You eat it and then you're like, damn, I wish there was more and it. I think it takes you a while of eating a smaller portion of the thing you were used to to realize that sometimes you don't get full, you're just satisfied for the moment and it's changing the goal.

Speaker 1 17:19

But damn that, back doors until the thing that me and you talking about with us. Just realize that when you said it because this friend she talking about I saw her yesterday she was like I'm so sorry I haven't seen you in a while, stop I'm not that person, yeah you got small kids, I got small kids. We've seen each other. Right now, let's sit in this moment because we, yeah, we, oh man, I miss her so much, but I miss you so much too I miss you and I and I'm coming.

Speaker 2 17:43

I miss you. I miss the you that we can be together without all this stuff.

Speaker 1 17:46

It's this, but in the stuff is changing me Like I don't. It's another Instagram video. It's this British guy I hope we can drop it and he's a newscaster. He says when you become a man he said this is very important for men friends like you, just when, when the marriage and the kids responsibility falls on you, you don't get time with your friends. And I know we don't talk about that as a society because we frame men a very specific way, but you're not supposed to be happy, no yeah, or you don't take care.

Speaker 1 18:14

Men don't take care of their families. What do you need to hang out with your friends for? That's, that's the portion that you're choosing to see. I understand, but there is a. There are a lot of us who are loved by women, who would love for us to get out the house more. And he says, to the day I die, you know, I will always remember like there's nothing like being on the train with your friends and at 9 30 am the first of the bear he was like that will forever do something. The freedom, the world is yours to explore. You can do whatever you want. There's no responsibilities. And when he said that, he set me free because I'm like, damn, the responsibilities are crushing.

Speaker 2 18:48

Yeah.

Speaker 1 18:49

They're crushing. When we finish this, we got to go and pick up the kids.

Speaker 2 18:53

And I'm looking at the clock right now.

Speaker 1 18:55

I got to do like it's. We're constricted by the life that we built. Like it's yes, it's a home, but it is a f**k prison sometimes. The marriage, it is a hearth, but it is a prison sometimes. And it's not her fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault, yeah, and it's not my fault, and it's not your. How dare we want?

Speaker 2 19:14

to be successful and happy.

Speaker 1 19:16

Yeah, how dare we yeah, we could just make this joint be anything. We see each other. When we see each other, ain't no pressure. You go out and live. You're doing nasty deeds. I do my thing. That's that's so easy?

Speaker 2 19:27

yeah, but what's the purpose of building this?

Speaker 1 19:29

if you're gonna do that, I don't know I could be single and be single. Why be single and be married? Why go through all of this?

Speaker 2 19:36

and then you hurt people in the process including yourself. Including yourself and then hate yourself while you're doing it, because I never heard nobody. Them stories with those men and they always regret it.

Speaker 1 19:49

Every time they always regret it.

Speaker 2 19:51

They always regret it.

Speaker 1 19:53

The women too.

Speaker 2 19:54

Everybody. You always regret it. It's never worth it. It is never worth it.

Speaker 1 19:58

So yeah, that's the season, man, and that's just full transparency. But I think one thing I see in you is you're doing a good job of well maybe this transitions to the next thing we talk about because I feel like I'm talking a lot but you spent.

Speaker 2 20:13

You spent some bars, it's you the other day.

Speaker 1 20:16

This is a really good example of what we're talking about. So this month I don't know when this is on the post I'm gonna say this month let y'all figure it out, you know uh, this month I have a lot of speaking events. I'm not home at all at all this month thankful for the speaking events, but I think I got six in a month like it's going crazy and I just agreed to another one.

Speaker 2 20:35

That's right before one oh great so I don't know about that gotta get to the bag.

Speaker 1 20:41

Um, but one of my homies called me and he and I we're going fishing trips. He got two kids, he married he. We called me and he and I we go on fishing trips. He got two kids, he married. We just understand. And I hit him up like bro, I got a small window in next month where I can do a fishing trip. Let's set it up. He said, bet, we put it on the calendar. I blocked it off and I kind of just told Noemi. I said, hey, I'm doing a fishing trip this time next month. She, she was like all right, because we don't really ask the other. Well, we do, but we're just careful about making it seem like a drag to just live your own life. And the next day I had a doctor's appointment. Noemi called me. You mind me telling?

Speaker 2 21:13

the story. That's fine. I forgot about it until you just mentioned it. I think it's on point with what we're talking about.

Reconnecting When Disconnected

Speaker 1 21:18

Yeah, so the next day, noemi to talk, I said, sure, what's up? And she basically tells me. She says I kind of feel a way about the thing that happened the other day. You just made this plan and you go fishing with your friends, but I don't feel like you considered me Now backstory. I told her hey, I think we need to make some room for you to get some time away.

Speaker 1 21:51

You need some time away from us, point blank. And she said, yeah, okay, let's talk about it, but in the grand scheme of all the things we talk about, we can't always hit every point, and that was a point that did not get hit in the in the several weeks that followed. So she's saying yeah, I feel a certain kind of way because you did that and I don't feel like we're considering me here and I don't know what she thought my response was going to be. But remember what?

Speaker 2 22:05

I said that what did I say? You're just like, okay, cool, let's, let's find some time in the calendar. Yeah, she was right.

Speaker 1 22:12

I said, all right, I'll be home in 35 minutes, let's talk about it.

Speaker 2 22:14

Let's talk about it. He was home and I was home in 35 minutes and we talked about it and we just talked about it and we set a day.

Speaker 1 22:20

She got a spa day, all the stuff. Yeah, she got a spa day and she's gonna have 24 hours in this house by herself. Me and the kids gonna stay in the hotel room.

Speaker 2 22:28

We're going to school the next morning from the hotel, yeah, so and, by the way, the reason why is because my house is better than the hotel room, not because you about to be at the four seasons shout out no, we're going to the courtyard, but you know, sometimes people might be like oh, why can't you leave?

Speaker 1 22:42

I love my mom she better stay home, beautiful we have a beautiful bathroom, a beautiful master bedroom. And also you don't feel comfortable staying at them places.

Speaker 2 22:50

Yeah, I don't. I feel like I'm going to get kidnapped.

Speaker 1 22:52

Yeah, and I respect that. I see that. So we talked about it and that could have been a whole thing. But one thing I told her after that whole thing concluded. I said, hey, listen, this is. I said, hey, listen, this is a weird space that I'm in with responsibilities. There's a lot of noise going on in my life right now and I'm not always going to be able to see what you need the most.

Speaker 2 23:19

I need for you to be a fierce advocate for your own wellness, right now that's exactly what he said.

Speaker 1 23:21

If I don't see it, you have to say something or assume I do not see it. And she could have took that as you don't care about me, you're not paying enough attention to me, you're not attuned to my needs. And she didn't. She said okay. So the agreement we have is she's a fierce advocate for her wellness. And the agree on my side of the agreement is, if she says she needs time, we make it happen. Yeah, we make it. It's not a matter of if, it's just how. How we're going to make it happen, cool, let's make it happen. What is it going to look like? And I think that's to me. I thought you were right. I say, yeah, you're right, we haven't made time for this thing. It's not a contentious issue to me is what are we? What are we going to do to make this thing work? And I can see how that conversation can go left with so many people and I can see how that conversation can go left with so many people.

Speaker 2 24:07

So can I, but I see how it affected our relationship. For that conversation to go right, I did not. I don't see it I didn't tell you about this, but when I tell you it, it unlocked a trust that I have in you now that I didn't necessarily have before. That moment, in the way that that conversation happened, changed so much about how I live in our relationship.

Speaker 2 24:31

Help me out, because I don't see it sure, sure, I think like a lot of times. I hate to generalize, but I also hate not being authentic sometimes. But I just feel like men sometimes don't. Just because things are, they feel like things are easier for women to do versus them, that it's easy period. And it's not that we don't advocate for ourselves in relationships sometimes. Sometimes it's that because our partners don't see the things that we need as that important that they don't prioritize it as well.

Speaker 1 25:01

I can see that.

Speaker 2 25:02

And I think with motherhood at least for me it's so easy to become a martyr to your motherhood experience. So like, oh, I could take my time, but my child needs this, or the business needs this, or my husband needs that, and it's not even like big things. But, like even before, I was like maybe I shouldn't go to this spa because it's going to cost too much money and I can spend that money on something else. Like it took care to say like, not like.

Speaker 2 25:26

I put the money aside for you like what you, what you about to do, spend ten thousand dollars like no, like a spa day is a spa day. It's not cheap, but you don't, you know, I mean it's not undoable if you don't plan for it.

Speaker 2 25:36

I don't work this hard for you not to be that's what I'm saying like come on, fam, um, and I feel like, because business has been so crazy and so you focus that a lot of times you didn't see, not that you didn't see, but it was hard to prioritize this thing when you have this mountain of things and in the past you would have taken that defensively. It would have turned into an argument. This isn't who we are. We're both shocked at the way that it happened, because we've seen how much we've grown and I feel like I was prepared for the back and forth and when it didn't happen I was like oh, yeah, you sound as um.

Speaker 2 26:14

Actually, I wasn't shocked at all like how you said we're both shocked no I, I think you're a therapist and you see things a mile away, miles away, because I, I don't we just we have different amounts of forethought with different stuff that is absolutely true with conflict in our relationship.

Speaker 1 26:31

I have a tremendous amount of forethought. I can. I can see when it's coming. I can feel when it's coming. I know how to neutralize it. I know when to pay attention. I know when something's not important sometimes, yeah, but it's yeah. No, I, I wasn't shocked by it at all. I was shocked, yeah, it felt like you were expecting a battle and I had no fight for you.

Speaker 1 26:51

Yeah, you were right. We didn't talk about the thing I said. We want to talk about my bad. Let's handle it. There's no perfect time. There's only the time we have right now, so let's just do it.

Speaker 2 27:03

He's making a lot of sense.

Speaker 1 27:04

I'm still shocked, like my bad.

Speaker 2 27:06

You're absolutely right the part the kicker was I'm coming home right now, let's talk about it and look in the calendar. But, babe, like you've, I feel like you've been like this for a while, but we haven't had conflict in this way for a long time, so, like we haven't, the last time we had conflict for real, for real, for real was hawaii yeah, that was three years, but you know it helps because the difference between hawaii and this and you may disagree is I didn't feel unfairly blamed for something that I wasn't aware of okay, you know I'm saying like it's hawaii, caught you off guard.

Speaker 1 27:40

It caught me off guard because I wasn't aware of any accumulating stress.

Speaker 1 27:43

I didn't see it, I didn't feel it here it made sense but you didn't blame me, you just you told me how you felt you led with a.

Speaker 1 27:52

I feel like this because we have not this you didn't say, you said you were gonna and you promised, and then you didn't dip into the bag of the past stuff, and because every time this happened in the past here's all the examples and I understand how someone can feel like that's helpful. By the way, you may think I'm talking about a specific gender, but I'm not, because everybody do it, but that's not helpful, because now I can't hear what you want. I hear what you're doing, and what you're doing is you're blaming me for something that I don't feel is my fault. So the space that I have where I can kind of figure this out with you collaboratively, I don't have that because you don't feel collaborative, you feel adversarial. So now I don't feel like I need to talk to you. I feel like I need to protect myself from this characterization that you're putting on me, that I do not see. You know, it's the. That's where the blame thing does not work it doesn't work and people it feels hopeful.

Speaker 1 28:48

I just talked somebody through this in counseling. I'm like I know this feels like it's hopeful, but where's the evidence that it's helping you? And they were like it's not. I'm like, yeah, let's try something different.

Speaker 2 28:56

But um, you sound like my therapist your therapist is a beast.

Speaker 1 28:59

I never met her before, but she's a beast, yeah, I didn't really, I didn't remember.

Speaker 2 29:05

She told me to say that I talked about this specifically in therapy and she is called an eye. Is it called something? I statement yeah, so she made me go through this exercise and practice the eye statements that I'm gonna good job knowing these therapists and when you said, I said it like that. It's like I didn't even realize I was doing it and I need to call her. We need a session some people.

Speaker 1 29:23

Some people tell me what their therapist saying. I'm like, oh, your therapist sucks, but you, every time you tell me some of the stuff your therapist says, my therapist a dog don't ever let her go?

Speaker 2 29:32

no, I won't, she's a dog.

Speaker 1 29:33

She's nice with it yeah, she's incredible, just from what you gave me back. She, she knows what she's doing.

Speaker 2 29:40

Yeah, she's a beast she's a psychotherapist, so that's how like yeah she's a beast man.

Speaker 1 29:44

Your therapist is excellent, but yeah, I'm glad that we avoided I was so ready to go back and forth with you and the fact that you wanted to fight so bad I don't want to fight.

Speaker 2 29:54

That's the thing. I'm with you, listen, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, but I don't want. I don't want to fight with you. I don't like to fight with you. I don't. You know, I don't like who I am when we get into petty arguments, because that's not me. You know what I mean and that's just my emotions and that's me. Not putting names to the ways that I feel and trying to internalize everything.

Speaker 1 30:15

You know what? That happens a lot with folks, man, where they turn their internal inability to change or touch or name the thing to somebody else's problem.

Speaker 2 30:26

Yeah, that's why we started saying everybody was catching l's in my life, everybody was catching them.

Speaker 1 30:31

That sucks, man society don't help, because you're going instagram and all the content is just farming for victimization. So bad. You're such a victim of your circumstances.

Speaker 2 30:39

Everyone's doing everything against you or your friends aren't showing up for you and friend break like yo, maybe you're maybe you're too much y'all.

Speaker 1 30:45

Maybe you're asking for too much're at. Maybe you're too much y'all. Maybe you're asking for too much from people.

Speaker 2 30:48

Not you're too much, but you're asking for too much from people right now or you're not speaking up, you're not saying words, like people don't live their own lives, are going through their own real talk if you go through. Some know that there are five people going through 10 times worse than you.

Speaker 1 31:02

Everybody has their struggles everybody got their struggles and not everybody communicates the same way and you're not. Your emotions are paramount, only in your mind. Like other people are cool to consider it, but it's not their responsibility to all the time. You need to be okay with that fact and the idea that when they can't consider you in the moment, that's not some type of indictment on their level of friendship or their level of camaraderie or who they are to you. Like hey, we just talking about this with a therapy client.

Speaker 1 31:29

Every time somebody does something that brings you displeasure, when you begin to label them, you start to become a hard person to be human around. Like if I'm not totally interested in everything you want to be interested in, or if I cancel too many dates, or if I'm not the the responsive friend you need me to be in that moment. Now, all of a sudden, you pulling back and you know you falling back and then not communicating. People think, because they spit their emotions out, that they know how to communicate yeah, no, you're just expressive you're a poor communicator.

Speaker 2 31:58

That is very emotionally expressive this is in your course, oh yeah.

Speaker 1 32:03

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll put the link down for the wait list below.

Speaker 2 32:07

But he basically has a communication course for couples. But honestly, the more that because I'm helping him, you know, with some of the work with that, the more that I'm reading it and basically taking the course for free, I'm noticing that it's like a really good tactics for anybody like just communication in general, like you just got to be.

Speaker 2 32:25

if you're a good, a good communicator period, you can be a good communicator to your partner, to your friends, to your family, to yourself and to you that's the part where, if you didn't care everybody else and you didn't take care of you, you feel to take care of everybody.

Speaker 1 32:39

But I know we're going off. Yeah, let me go back to our notes.

Speaker 2 32:43

I liked where we were going yeah um, oh, this is a good one, this is a good one, and I want I want you to answer it for me and then I'll answer it for you, um, or vice versa, whatever, but I wanted I want us to answer it for each other. But it's like when did you notice that we both like this was heavy and we both needed space outside of like, like this is everything that we're going through. It's not something I can help you with, it's not something that you can help me with, which is why you wanted me to be like a fierce advocate for like what I needed, right, and I guess, like, when did you? When did you realize? It's like, okay, this is actually heavy and if we don't do something about it, like we in some shit.

Speaker 1 33:22

That's a good question. I noticed it, we in some. That's a good question. I noticed it. I've been noticing it for a few months, but a part of me was just afraid to really wrap my arms around it, because then, once I know something exists, I feel the responsibility to do something about it and I'm a person who needs to.

Speaker 1 33:38

I'm an emotional person, so I need to feel my feelings before I start moving or I move in a direction that's not true to how I feel. So I'm still in the part of feeling this whole thing and I didn't want to move too quick. So I want to say I've been thinking about it for months but it really dawned on me like in the last couple of weeks where I just started to feel disconnected from you.

Speaker 1 33:59

And it's like what's the difference? Why do I feel so disconnected? And it's just stuff, in a way, and the more. When I got some space to think away from y'all. I was like damn. I feel different in this environment where I don't have all the stuff in my face. It's like, oh, it's the stuff, it's the stuff and it's what was the stuff for you. Financial responsibility.

Speaker 2 34:23

We don't talk enough about financial.

Speaker 1 34:24

Everybody talk responsibility. We don't talk enough about financial. Everybody talk about the sole provider. Yo man, it comes with some mental stuff and even when you talk about money for, for the person who left a job, what are they supposed to ask you for? Every penny?

Speaker 2 34:35

they get an allowance.

Speaker 1 34:36

Can I have a pittance, please? More, sir. You know it, the relationship becomes different that way. But also, you can't just be like hey, just start swiping just don't tell me the swipe because I'm a swipe yeah, so I, I gotta, you gotta, have that in mind, and I was talking to your friend you're talking about, because we talked about when someone's a sole provider and that person was talking about their partner and saying and I'm dang, we're going off on a tangent because I want to ask you the same question but they said you know, when someone is the sole, the sole financial provider, it's a mental pressure, like it changes.

Speaker 1 35:09

It changes that person fundamentally. And when she said that I was like damn, yeah, it does, because four people in a house with two incomes the money spends different than four people in a house with one income. The money spends different. Just think about toilet paper. Think about toilet paper. Think think about toilet paper.

Speaker 1 35:28

How many people you got in your house how many people, how many butts you got in your house, you know. So I think that's when I realized and I'm still coming to the realization I'm just in the place to do something about it?

Speaker 2 35:37

when did you realize? Um, it's, it's kind of like an uncomfortable story, but I realized it after reading a lot of the comments about how not sad I looked. But it was something to the tune of like I wasn't, I wasn't happy, like people noticed that I wasn't. It was different than how I was before. And I think one of the things that I love to do is I like to scroll on my story, like whenever I have like a whole bunch of people, new people following me, I always go and scroll to see what would they see if you were seeing me for the first time? And I saw like the drop off, like I saw like 2022, like not boss, but confident. You know, 23 was probably like my highlight year. 24 was like oh, this is getting real. And 25 so the end of 24, 25 has been like am I happy? Am I not happy? I'm not who I like. I don't feel like me anymore and it's like.

Speaker 2 36:32

I typically don't take comments in general to heart, but when there's truth in them and like I I believe I'm a masker, I believe I'm an internalizer, so it's like I felt like it wasn't as tight as it used to be. You know what I mean, like people are actually seeing the crib was slipping.

Speaker 2 36:48

Pretty much, pretty much, and I felt like people were seeing what was actually, yes, happening in real time, but I thought I was doing a good job at hiding it. So it's like it's one thing to like. I'm a type of person, I'm a power through, I'm a figure it out, I'm a hustle my way through, and I'm in this new season where I'm just I'm really trying to be present. I'm really just trying to feel life as it happens, Like I don't want to be this old lady and I don't know what life feels like, because I'm trying to uphold like a certain image or a certain idea of myself, and I just, you know, I felt like the audience knew me better than I knew myself, and I've been trying to to like understand how I'm feeling, and one of the things that kept on coming up was like these things that I want to happen for me aren't happening for me, and you know the more I kind of looked into why that is the case. When you were like, you know, when we were talking about the whole I need a day thing, when you're like I need you to be a fierce advocate, and it's like I am. You know what I mean.

Speaker 2 37:47

I just didn't know that I could in this season because of everything that's happening, it felt very selfish in the moment. So for you, the person that I was, I was prepared to hear that I was selfish. I was prepared to hear that you know, we're building this business and this business belongs to both of us and this is just a sacrifice we got to make. It's not personal, like I was prepared to hear. You just need to wait a little bit longer before we can focus on you, and I think for so long I expected that focus back on me to look like it's something active from you, not something that I had the permission to be active, you know for.

Speaker 1 38:24

Dang, I didn't know that. Let me. In my communication with you, have there ever been moments that you could think of where I responded that way?

Speaker 2 38:33

No, it's not so much that you respond in that way, but you have responded in a way where the additional ask or the additional space for conversation was just so heavy and it was already heavy so it's never that like I thought that I wasn't important.

Speaker 2 38:49

I just thought that you were going through so much that how could I ask you, like it's heavy on you, the same way it's heavy on me? You know what I mean. Like I just thought it was just people talk about in relationships, where we have these seasons where it's just, you know, heavy, and I thought this was that season. So I've been preparing to be in that season for the past couple of months. So the like drop off to do what you got to do was just really unexpected and I think you know maybe I'm misinterpreting where we were, but that's the feeling that I got from you. I got the feeling like it was just so heavy that like I don't know if this is a good decision anymore. I don't know if this is, this lifestyle is sustainable, and like while I think the business has the potential, like maybe we just don't have the things that it takes to hold that up.

Speaker 1 39:40

I see where you're coming from.

Speaker 1 39:41

Yeah man, we look at that thing so differently because yeah, it's always heavy, but to me, my thing is, no matter how heavy it is my. My obligation always goes to you, even above the kids. I have a responsibility as a parent and I'm going to take care of the babies, but I only got so much bandwidth for them. Little bambas, the business. We created this thing and I have an obligation to it, but I only got so much bandwidth for it. The business is separate from me. Being the therapist, I've invested a lot of time into this. I only got a certain amount of bandwidth. You're the only thing that I walked into a space with, fully understanding that it's going to change a million times. I don't know what the change is going to look like, but I'm dedicated to moving with it in a way that makes sense for me and makes sense for you. So it's different, like you're the only family that I chose, knowing exactly who you were when I got into it. Them kids are surprised. We know what they're going to end up like.

Speaker 2 40:37

We still don't know what you know I'm saying my family of blood.

Speaker 1 40:40

You know what I'm saying y'all been was crazy too I love them, but they, they crazy as hell. I didn't choose them, I just got dropped off into their arms. You know what? I'm saying so it's just, it's different. But, yeah, it is happy and no, I don't want to have those conversations with you sometimes, but I think it's worth it and I think I need to, and I will always make space for yeah you know.

Speaker 1 41:02

But I understand the apprehension, man, it's. I don't know it's. It's so many factors, man like. Even for the longest I thought I never been a happy wife, happy life, kind of dude. But the older I get, the more I'm seeing how there's so many men who just believe that their family's happiness is their happiness and they seem happy but really they're just kind of content and then they morph into these beings that don't feel like they deserve things or happiness or really have an individual personality to themselves. And I can't be that like I'm not. I've been a dynamic personality my whole life. I've been. I'm never just one thing. I've never been one thing and I can't be relegated to that for the happiness of other people. But that doesn't mean I don't have to meet the needs or you know what I'm saying no, understood, I just I gotta, it's learning to juggle both.

Speaker 1 41:52

Actually, it's more than both. It's learning to juggle everything, and you drop the ball sometimes.

Speaker 2 41:58

Yeah, and that's okay, yeah, it's all right, but you gotta pick the joint back up you know and just try again.

Finding the New Version of Yourself

Speaker 1 42:04

That's the thing. I'm only a quitter if I stop trying. It's crazy man, it's crazy, you really got like if you want marriage advice, make sure you like that person love loving, not in marriage.

Speaker 2 42:17

Loving make sure you like that person for real you gotta like them as a human man.

Speaker 2 42:21

Yeah, outside of you, outside you know what, speaking of that, how you were saying, how you're a dynamic person and you like to be outside I don't like to be outside as much as you. No, no, I want to be outside all the time with you, but like when you're outside and you're free and you know what I mean like you let the day just kind of go where it goes, like you always come back happier, like it reminds me of the cure that I fell in love with that was a freak, but the care you fell in love with only was responsible for himself understood however, it was a free man comma.

Speaker 2 42:51

However, for so long I felt like, since you can't be that person anymore, you'll never be that kind of happy me too until now yeah, you know what it is and you said this at the top of the episode.

Speaker 1 43:04

You said something about you don't feel like yourself, and I always challenge that notion in my own head and it falls alongside this notion of happiness that I have.

Speaker 1 43:15

Where it's the question is less do I feel like myself and more is less not feeling like myself and more just unfamiliar with this version of myself and you may experience that where the things that used to make you happy don't make you happy anymore and you feel like you just got to press that button hard. If I do more of this thing, maybe I'll feel the happiness. And I think what we fail to realize me, we being you and us is that the button don't hit the same because you're different now, like that thing does not do it for you anymore, and then you have to find another thing in your parenthood journey, your personal journey, your marriage, all that, and I'm so different yeah, yeah, what it takes to take care of me is different.

Speaker 1 43:56

It's like I fell asleep when I became a husband and father and I'm starting to wake up and I think I'm the same person since before that coma.

Speaker 2 44:02

Nah, bro I want you to speak a little bit more about finding this new version of yourself and reconciling who, who, that person- I want you to talk about it too, because I want to see what you're going through, so I can you know um, but where I wanted to go is I really I really want to touch on briefly before we end, is how do we connect it back to us?

Speaker 1 44:22

I think we talked what I want to touch on you briefly, oh my god, my God, grow up, sir.

Speaker 2 44:27

I got to go. I got to go in like 10 minutes. That's all we got. Oh, you're making me uncomfortable. I was going to talk about how disconnected how we've been and how we can connect it back to us, but it seems like that's not an issue. So what was the question?

Speaker 1 44:47

well, that portion, that's one portion we haven't been disconnected in I feel like we have really yeah, for real yeah I would say how so, but I don't know if we want to have that.

Speaker 2 44:58

No, I'll be keep it yeah yeah, it's just um. Sometimes I feel like I'm a chore like I'm talking about sexual.

Speaker 1 45:06

Oh, I'm not talking about that. That's what I was talking about. That's not what jesus woman I was talking about emotional disconnection oh yeah, I feel emotionally, yeah, I mean I feel that makes sense I don't feel sexually disconnected that's what I'm saying. That's like the one spot, that's one of the tenets of our relationship.

Speaker 2 45:20

I think, like any, any, anything that we talk about, listen I'm when that might get hit.

Speaker 1 45:26

Listen we on that to wrap this.

Speaker 2 45:28

I don't even care what we're talking about anymore. I got things to do, but um, sexual disconnection is not something that I ever feel I think that's just natural that that.

Speaker 2 45:41

That has a lot to do with how we got together, how we stay together, how we going to be together, like I think that's just a department that's not really of concern and it's not hard. It's not hard for us. We're very connected naturally there. But I feel like the emotional connection is what takes work and the reason why there's no resentment. There is, I think, because we have grace, we're emotionally intelligent. You know what I mean. But I also think we, we have emotion, high emotional iqs.

Speaker 2 46:07

I can recognize when. I can recognize when something isn't about me, but it doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. So it's like there comes a point where it's like, okay, I get it, you know this isn't about me. I might be feeling some type of way about x, y and z, but then then there's a point where it's like, well, I'm no, we, I don't want this to continue, or maybe he's not aware that this is happening. So let's talk about it. Which is why, like the conversation earlier that we talked about came up. But the emotional disconnection, I don't feel it as much now, but I felt it for a long time before now and I think it kind of goes back to the heaviness. I think it also goes back to like you really killing it business side, like on top of your cause, on top of your responsibilities, like you've definitely leveled up as a businessman, and I think that just took a lot of your energy.

Speaker 1 46:52

And.

Speaker 2 46:52

I think that you're really good at knowing. Okay, this requires a lot of my time, this doesn't require as much, but let me do something to sustain it here. Like, I know that life shouldn't be a balance, but the way that it is similar to balancing you're good at. You're good at. You're good at that, and I think that I maybe wasn't, um, clear enough about what I needed from you emotionally, but there there was a disconnection. I needed more and you thought we were good, but I didn't want to bring it up, Cause it wasn't that we're bad, it's just that, like, hey, I need more time from you, but I know you have no time.

Speaker 1 47:26

That's such a tough place to be.

Speaker 2 47:28

And I, like I said, I don't feel like that anymore because I think I also was relying. I was relying on you to fulfill a lot of some emotional needs that I can figure out myself. So it's just like now.