Welcome to the Support Conversation

Speaker 1 0:00

Hey, what's up y'all? Welcome back to the Sit Down Talk podcast. My name is Kier.

Speaker 2 0:03

And I'm Noemi, and I'm back, she's back.

Speaker 1 0:06

She's back and we welcome you. Clap it up for you for being up in this joint Round of applause. If you are new here, welcome, welcome. Make sure you binge all of our episodes. This is a fantastic podcast, Probably some of the most high-level conversation that you're going to hear about love, partnership and relationships. Not just 50-50 conversations, Not just I need my man or a woman is supposed to submit.

Speaker 1 0:31

No, that's low-level bulls**t and we're talking above and beyond that because you deserve better. But if you are a group of people that we refer to, ooh, I'm in my bag today.

Speaker 2 0:41

Okay, come on.

Speaker 1 0:42

come on If you're a group of people that we refer to as repeat offenders. Bring that thing in, bring it in. Bring it in, bring it in hugs. Last week I didn't have e-hugged them, I gave fist bumps yeah, I mean gotta keep our children safe.

Speaker 2 0:52

Boundaries are important.

Speaker 1 0:53

Yeah, she don't know, y'all like that so today's episode um is a continuation of a conversation that we had before. We had a episode around needs what do you need from? Which is a question I know a lot of people ask in their relationships and probably don't get the answer that they're really looking for, so we wanted to expound on that. And I'm going to let Noemi give you more details, because she's brilliant at telling all this.

Speaker 2 1:15

So I mean, let's just pick up where we left off In that last episode. We're going to tag it somewhere up here below. I keep above. It's going to low. I keep above, it's gonna show up, you'll see it. Um, but basically in that episode we talked a lot about just how hard it is to even ask for what you need, and a lot of times we get stuck because, on one hand, there is asking for what you need and giving constructive criticism, but in the other hand, of course, there's a piece of defensiveness that gets there and I think a lot of people get stuck on. Okay, finally, I asked what I need Now, what? So this conversation is going to be like? What does support look like in real life, now that you've had that conversation? So if you haven't had that conversation already, go back to that last episode and then come back to this one.

Speaker 1 1:56

That's such a good thing to talk about because I think the way that we frame I know I'm always bagging on social media because I think social media deserves to be bagged on for all the good things it does it cripples us a lot too.

Speaker 2 2:09

For sure.

Speaker 1 2:09

But oftentimes on social media. When we talk about love and relationships and when we're having these conversations, we talk about it from the perspective of the person that needs something but not from the perspective of the person that's trying to help, and the truth of the matter is a lot of us are very challenging people to help.

Speaker 2 2:25

We are humans. We are all challenging people.

Speaker 1 2:27

We don't even know what we want and look, even if you're going through depression, anxiety, recent loss, all of those things the tough thing about partnership is the that and you have that and that deserves space and it deserves grace, and you are still responsible for being a good partner and it is your responsibility to be a easier person to give help to. So that's one of the things I know we're going to talk about, because I'm not always an easy person to help and I'm realizing that and I'm trying to do better and, and the thing is and neither am I.

Speaker 2 2:58

I think a lot of us get hung up on the fact that we don't know what we need, we don't't know how to ask for help, like yeah, but that's a lot of us, you know what I mean, and I don't. I think that it's very easy. It's very easy for us to, I don't know, box ourselves into these narratives about what we're supposed to be doing and how we fall short of that and what I hope by the end of this conversation, we're in a place where, you know, we're not necessarily striving for perfection, we're just striving to kind of get to the next goal, man that's that's such a good point.

Speaker 1 3:32

This, this obsession that we have with perfection, is something that I do not always understand, but I always try to lean into understanding. I don't strive to be perfect. I probably take it a little bit too far, because I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 2 3:44

He does not.

Speaker 1 3:46

Perfection for who?

Speaker 2 3:48

Like for me or for the world?

Speaker 1 3:49

Yeah, and the things that you give the world that you don't keep for yourself. I don't always find a lot of value in that, but I do understand a lot of people are looking for perfection, for sure.

Speaker 2 3:58

Yeah, I feel like I'm like that you know what I mean, I that you know what I mean. I definitely tend to be more on the perfectionist side than not, but a lot of it just has to do with how I was raised I was gonna say where does that come from?

Speaker 1 4:08

what are you trying to get it? It's perfectionism it's.

Speaker 2 4:11

It's not an active like. I want to be perfect. Today it is as a child. I'm not acknowledged in the same way unless I have something for the people around me to be proud of. I was that kid that was known to always do exceptional things. So, like normal wasn't accepted, average was never accepted for me. So I have kind of, I guess, grown into this habit of going above and beyond for everything, even things that don't necessarily require it, because that validation is still really important to me.

Speaker 1 4:44

Yeah, that's a worth value visibility thing. In the comments below. I want you to tell me if you are a perfectionist, which. This is an invitation, that's not an indictment, we're not. We're not getting on you. But if you're a perfectionist, what drives your perfectionism? What are you trying to get? How did you get there? When do you first remember being a perfectionist? What was happening to you at that point in your life? Just I'm curious to know. So just put that in the comments below.

Speaker 2 5:06

And I think that perfection really, and I think that perfection piece is so important too, because in partnership, I'm not going to say we're expected, I'm just going to speak for me. I feel like I'm sometimes expected to have the answers for things.

Speaker 1 5:21

Like.

Perfectionism and Its Impact on Relationships

Speaker 2 5:22

I should know how to take care of my family. I should know how to take care of my man. You know, you, you are very communicative. Like you, are very open, I should be able to easily help you. I should be able to easily show up for you in the way that you need me. And when you kind of look at that from a perspective like the perspective of perfection, when you don't get it right, right or when you fall short, it's devastating. You know what I mean. And then you create even more narratives about how you're not good enough, about how you should be. Oh, I know you hate the shoulds.

Speaker 1 5:51

You know how you should be better.

Speaker 2 5:57

You should have known. You know what I mean, and I feel like in partnership in general, when it comes to support, I think we have to look, instead of like whether this support need has been met and like contrasting it with that person's effort, and you gotta have to like, you have to find the middle ground, and I think that's where people get hung up on. It's like okay, your intention is there, but you're not doing it, so it's nothing, but there needs to be an acknowledgement of the action you know what?

Speaker 2 6:21

we're gonna get deeper into this. I do have an outline. You jive, you jive cooking right now. I got an outline because I know we we tend to go off on tangents people don't mind the tangents.

Speaker 2 6:31

True, I think that's a us thing I think sometimes I get in look, let's just keep it a thousand. This is a. This is a subject that we are currently working on. I feel like a lot of times we usually talk to you guys about things that we had just recently kind of gone through and I think, through talking about this conversation and seeing y'all's feedback, it warranted a part two discussion for sure and and the part two is happening in real time we are asking each other some of these questions.

Speaker 1 6:55

For the first, time on camera and we're gonna post it, so you're gonna get what you get I don't understand the gatekeeping of the marriage stuff. I do, I, I do Because you don't want everybody in your business.

Speaker 2 7:05

Yeah, you want to protect your marriage Like I don't know that. It's always gatekeeping, I think sometimes it's just protection because we're still raising a generation where we're not supposed to be putting our business out there in the streets. And here we are.

Speaker 1 7:16

I agree, but there is a distinction between protection and safeguarding and being dishonest, like safe, not perfection, I'm sorry. Protection and safeguarding and being dishonest and what happens is when the group of people are protecting and safe, honest, the when the group of people who are protecting and safeguarding aren't visible, with the truth that a lot of us need to hear, or just their perspective, we get the loudest voices in the room, which is the people who have the perfect marriages that look beautiful on the outside but on the inside they don't have the emotional touch points to really stand the test of time.

Speaker 2 7:48

So you're basically no idea how to love each other exactly, and you're basing your relationship goals on like a not true filter of what marriage looks like listen, I get it, I get it, I get it it happens. So, um, I'm gonna take it back into corporate america, or a bit, maybe not so much corporate America, but like teaching.

Speaker 1 8:05

You look good today.

Speaker 2 8:06

Thank you, baby, you look good often, but you look edible today. Ooh yeah, you hungry.

Speaker 1 8:12

Always that brother starving.

Speaker 2 8:17

That is not what we're talking about today. All right, let's get through this conversation, because we got things to do.

Speaker 1 8:21

Play with me if you want to.

Speaker 2 8:25

All right, y'all. So back in. Uh, when I was teaching, we used to do things like you know how people do pros and cons. We would always do like what's working in areas for improvement and I feel like, if you are going to have this conversation with your partner, even if you're thinking about having the conversation, always start with the things that are going well, if you ever go and be like, look, this is what I needed, I needed, this is how I need you to support me. You ain't doing this.

Speaker 2 8:45

I need you to it's never it's never going to go well, and I'm speaking from experience because I was that person and he ain't that person to be talking to like that. So it just you know.

Speaker 1 8:55

I love you, but there are limitations.

Speaker 2 9:08

But also I about to hear criticism about yourself. Like me personally. Like sandwich it give me, give me some positivity.

Speaker 1 9:11

You know what I mean. Then sprinkle in the criticism and then tell me I'm great again and then I'm good. That's all you gotta do for me. Can I? Can I insert one thing? I don't want to derail you. If you are one of those people who feels like you shouldn't have to do that, I shouldn't have to give you the compliment before I say the hard thing. I think that's a reasonable thing to think. I don't think you're crazy for that. But my question is always what does that take away from you? To give the positive first, what are you withholding? What are you withholding from this person? What do you think they're going to do by getting that? What do you think they're going to forget or take advantage of? Because oftentimes I'm not going to say you're wrong, but oftentimes that's a thought that deserves more consideration, because the person probably needs the thing that you're withholding from them. But you know, if they be in the ass, it's hard to remember that again. This needs to be watered too. It happens.

Speaker 2 9:51

That's real. All right, let's get the conversation started. So, like I said, we want to start with something positive. So I want to pose a question for you, mr Gaines Can you name maybe a moment in recent history, like the past couple of months, or something where you felt like, unexpectedly, that I was really supportive of you, or maybe something you were doing or something that you were going through.

Speaker 1 10:12

So I had a shoot in LA and Noemi was on set with me and I was talking to the camera and for some reason it just was a disconnect between what I wanted to say and what was coming out. And there's a room full of these high level executives it was full of people in that room and executives from the shooting team and executives from our management agency. It was just a lot of people in there and a camera this close to my face and I wasn't connecting like I do here on the sit down talk. And Noemi just said, hey, y'all. She saw there was a disconnect between what they were looking for and what I was doing and she said, hey, can I try something real quick? And they were like, I mean, yeah, and she took initiative and she said, babe, what they want you to say is boop, boop, boop, boop. I'm like, oh, I didn't realize that you just want me to do me.

Speaker 1 10:57

And after that boom, it flew like butter of you in that moment to take the initiative in a room full of very intimidating people you know very high level folks and say I know, I know this man, I know that y'all are talking, but he's not picking up what you're saying and you you made that connection and to me that made me feel really supported, because this entrepreneur space, the business space, when you're the brand and a business, the family kind of has to move around you. The family moves with my calendar. I hate it, but it's just the way it works. When you're the sole provider, a lot of times, especially when you're an entrepreneur, a lot of the effort goes to helping the business and I think it's easy to conflate helping the business with helping me and me. The business gets the assistance, but me the person doesn't get it. It just gets lost in the sauce. And I felt like in that moment you were supportive of me, the person and that felt damn good.

When Support Efforts Miss the Mark

Speaker 2 11:48

Yeah, yeah, I really appreciated that. Oh man, thank you, baby. Just a little tangent on that I had an out-of-body experience because after the shoot wrapped and we got home, like I was very proud of myself for speaking up, but like I don't even remember, I remember being frustrated. I got what they were saying but I didn't know why they just weren't saying that you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 12:11

They don't know me exactly, and it wasn't until like afterwards, when we went back to the hotel, I was like, damn, did I do too much, did I overstep? And I was in my head and we had a conversation.

Speaker 1 12:20

And what did I say to you? I don't even damn it was yeah oh, I think it was something in the vein of there is no overstepping when you see a need that has to be met and you're the person to meet the need and just look at the people around you.

Speaker 2 12:38

Nobody felt like you were overstepping because you bridged the gap.

Speaker 1 12:41

You're the only person in that room that knew me and you can tell that there was a disconnect and you stepped in. I know overstepping has been a theme in our relationship and I know it's sensitive but for those who don't know, overstepping has been a theme in our relationship.

Speaker 1 12:55

I will venture to say this this is my gender thing. Not an indictment, it's an invitation. I will venture to say a lot of men think that a lot of women overstep, and I get it. Y'all community is just different from ours. That in your community is not overstepping, it's showing love in our community.

Speaker 1 13:09

You're doing way too much. You need to fall back, and that was a theme in our relationship early on. It's not anymore and I don't feel like you overstepped, but I hope that you trust me to know that when you, when I feel like you're encroaching, I'll tell you in a nice way When's the last time.

Speaker 2 13:26

I told you you haven't, it's been years. But it's more of me kind of being in my head I hear that. And I feel like I really want to go back to that. When we talk about in more depth about the support conversation, because that's something that I've noticed is you tell me to fall back. I'm two states away now. I'm not even close, like don't, don't tell me, you don't want me, you will never see me again.

Speaker 1 13:49

It's a wrap.

Speaker 2 13:50

And I tend to overdo it in those ways because of past traumas, because of things that I've been through and you kind of touched on this I don't know if we talked about it right now or if we talked about it before we hit record, if we talked about it before we hit record, but like bringing in past traumas into the relationship and responding to those things as opposed to responding to what's actually in front of you, I think our past traumas can taint a situation and allow us to look at it a certain way when in fact, that's not the case at all it's not happening to you right now and that's not gaslighting you.

Speaker 2 14:17

That's just the truth.

Speaker 2 14:18

That's not happening to you right now Exactly, it's not, and it's something that we have to be not necessarily hyper aware of, because there's some issues with being hyper aware of anything, but just something to be open to, that being the possibility to always give the benefit of the doubt, like, is that where really what's going on or is that something else? And I think that's always a soft enough question to ask yourself whenever these situations arise. Soft enough question to ask yourself whenever these situations arise. But just going back to like what, what's going well with the support conversation I wanted to. I mean, I have a couple of examples of how I feel like you.

Speaker 2 14:52

For the first time, I took advantage of my husband being a therapist and I literally had a therapy session. In my head, one part of my brain is like, are you doing too much? He already got to listen to his patients all day. You supposed to be his wife, not his client, and blah, blah, blah. But I was just so low at that moment I feel like I I didn't deserve to get the therapist. You you know what I mean. Like that's your job. I shouldn't encroach on that part of like your life and your profession, but the fact that I could and you didn't make me feel bad. You didn't make me feel like I was annoying, like I was literally rambling for 45 minutes. Nothing feel like I was annoying, like I was literally rambling for 45 minutes. Nothing in the world mattered but me in that moment, and I've never felt like that with anybody before.

Speaker 1 15:30

Wow, if you never spelled that out to me, that way I would never know.

Speaker 2 15:33

In that moment. That was not dumping, so I don't feel like you took advantage of or encroached on anything.

Speaker 1 15:41

Is it funny to you?

Speaker 2 15:42

No, I was about to say y'all encroach on my wallet, I mean, but I don't got a job but it's nah, you do have a job. I don't got a paycheck, an individual paycheck, so well hell after we pay all the bills. I don't got a paycheck either, but it's fine.

Speaker 1 15:56

I'm always here to give you that and I'm always going to have grace for the space that you need to grow into this person that you're becoming, because you're starting to understand more about yourself. You're starting to see the world differently. You're starting to see yourself more objectively now that you're a parent. You're starting to see your childhood differently. When I married you, I didn't just marry you the person, I married you the past, the present, the future, the whole thing.

Speaker 2 16:19

So I'm one more time. I don't know what I said, so I didn't. I married. I didn't marry you for basically who you were at that moment. I married you for your past, your president, who you could. I said that in so many words damn, that's not a problem.

Speaker 1 16:31

That's not a problem.

Speaker 2 16:32

I always got time for you for that okay yeah, thanks, baby, but your unconfirmed suspicion there's so much you can't confirm that how many times have you been in a situation with somebody a friend, a partner, whatever and you've created this whole story in your head about how they felt and you thought they was mad at you, you thought their energy was weird, and X, Y and Z happened. And now you in your feelings based on what you think that person thinks about you, and then you have a conversation with that person that had nothing to do with you and they have no idea what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 17:02

They weren't even thinking about you the whole time.

Speaker 2 17:06

Listen and they have no idea what you're talking about. They weren't even thinking about you the whole time listen, and they didn't even think nothing negative about you like for real.

Speaker 1 17:10

Can I, can I give a practical example?

Speaker 2 17:11

really quick, so my best friend had her bachelorette brunch. You know situation, and it was a weekend where kira was out of town kira was out of town and your car started tripping my car started tripping on the way to drop the kids at the last minute. Uh, aunt's house, I was already late, it was bad. It was bad and this is like my best friend, yeah, and I'm looking at the time. So, okay, the car's not working, let me catch an uber.

Speaker 2 17:38

Cherry blossom season, it's in dc traffic not only was it going to take me 120 to to get there one way. It was going to take me an hour and 15 minutes, and I would have been there literally after it ended equally as disgusting.

Speaker 2 17:50

So I'm just like yo, like I'm not going to make it. In my head I was like, oh my God, like I feel horrible, like she shows up for me for everything and I can't show up for her for this. Like why did it not stay on top of my schedule? Like I w? I was just so in my feelings about it, so it was supposed to be a surprise event. So I call her cousin to tell her that I can't make it. So I call her the next day, go straight to voicemail. I'm like, okay, that's weird. I call her again to go straight to voicemail. I'm like, oh my God, like I already feel horrible, like oh my God.

Speaker 2 18:16

So then I call her the next day because I knew she boo. And I'm like, oh my God, she's fine, she's not mad at me, she doesn't hate me, and I was telling her everything that happened. She was like, girl, that's crazy, I wouldn't come either. And I created, you know, this whole thing that I had to do in my mind to make it up to her because I thought I was a bad friend, and it's just like it goes to show that like she's my friend for that reason she knows I wouldn't not show up for you know what I mean, like she understands my situation and she allows me to show up for her in the way that I'm capable for, like I'm capable of and like our friendship just works.

Speaker 2 18:56

And when you think about how long we've been friends it's been over 10 years like we've always had that friendship. You know we've always had that grace with each other. But you know it's kind of hard when you create these narratives in your head and they trigger, you know, certain insecurities that you have and you literally can create a whole world in your head that does not exist.

Speaker 1 19:13

A lot of people live in the world in their head that does not exist. And again, that's not gaslighting, that's. That's just an objective observation. But I'll say this and then we can move on. The only thing that's more comfortable and convenient and low-hanging fruit than living in the world in your head is not doing the work to confirm whether or not it's true that's hard and just living in that space, because it's easy to just live.

Speaker 1 19:39

You know, this is what's happening to me and it validates my feelings, and we're obsessed with our feelings being validated. I understand why, but sometimes we take it way too far and if you don't do the extra step to confirm whether or not what you think is true, you just it's not just a room in your head, it becomes a prison. You know, and you don't always.

Speaker 2 19:57

You fish don't always know the end of aquarium and what you were saying before about kind of like being in a prison in your mind and like not confirming whether, like this is actually your reality, if you're living in this delusional world. I think it's a great segue to the next section. And the next section here is you know, when it comes to supporting, I feel like a lot of us have good intentions. Often than not, we miss the mark, because all of the ways that we feel like we should support, we do support, we can support, are what's the word that you say. They're always related. You say something. They are. I don't know, I'm not going to talk like you, but they're related to our childhoods, they're related to our past relationships and I think sometimes we get so stuck on what it is we're doing we don't actually see whether it's actually working. So a lot of people like I was there for you, I did X, y and Z and the other person is like, yeah, cool, but that's not what I needed.

Speaker 1 20:54

Nor is that ever what I asked of you.

Speaker 2 20:56

So I think that, like you said, it's very hard to get to the state, I guess, where you're trying to confirm whether those things are true, and get to the state, I guess, where you're trying to confirm whether those things are true, and I kind of want to do that now.

Speaker 1 21:10

Okay, so like you know where.

Speaker 2 21:11

I feel like we're close. I know we about to get. Like I said, we're doing this in real time.

Speaker 1 21:14

I like that. Nah, let's do it.

Navigating Past Traumas in Relationships

Speaker 2 21:15

You might hear me you might hear me tri careful about my words, kira and I are very big semantics people, so the way that you say things and the words that you use matter we'll get caught up in the words and it's not even about the conversation exactly we don't want to do that. So I'm trying to to create. The question in my mind is are there any times that you can identify or see or remember where you know?

Speaker 1 21:47

I was trying, but I just wasn't hitting the mark hell, yeah, oh all right, come on, let's do it man you did something one time in the last house, I don't remember can we do recent?

Speaker 2 21:57

and this is why I'm asking. I want to get a temperature check on where we are now, and the reason why I'm asking this question specifically is because I don't want this to be an example of you're using us as an example to have this conversation with your partner for there to be dumping. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 22:13

We're out of place. This ain't dumping.

Speaker 2 22:15

Well, it's more so for the audience, because they won't be like well, not for me. Recently, I'm not sure, maybe not recently, recently, but like, let's just be mindful about the ways that we have kind of elevated in our relationship. Of course, and something that I can still learn from now.

Speaker 1 22:31

This is just the only example I have.

Speaker 2 22:33

That's fine.

Speaker 1 22:33

So we I don't know if I want to get into details what happened, but there was just a misunderstanding between Noemi and I and I was out with a with a group of friends, and she asked me to come home early. And I think I don't know if you were pregnant, but it was just a tough part in our relationship. Our baby was very young, I think he was like two or three. It was just tough. We were still trying to work through past stuff and trying to figure out current stuff and I was frustrated. I got asked to come home early and we had a big argument and you ended up you apologized to me, but you wrote it in a letter. Do you remember that? Yeah, because I just think saying that I would lie was a little tough. So you wrote the letter and I can tell that you were trying but you were trying to say, hey, this is my bad for doing this.

Speaker 1 23:18

This is the most comfortable way I can express myself In that moment. I just didn't have any grace for you. I didn't have the bandwidth, but I can tell you were trying. I think back to that moment often Because you're so different now. You, just you. Now. That would have never happened now. But not only that. You just look at me like babe, I'm sorry, you just drop your shoulders and look, and it just this big heartfelt apology. Like man, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 2 23:44

Go out next week take two days and you'll probably overdo it after a while, like nah, I'm good but I could tell you were trying.

Speaker 1 23:52

The reason that sticks out to me is because in that moment it wasn't enough for me. I wanted to ball that paper up and throw it in the trash like say that shit out loud dog, don't be whispering, apologies care needs his I'm sorry, loud, loud and immediate. I need, I need that I'm sorry to be just as loud as the accusation. Yeah or or. I ain't trying to hear it, I'm still like that.

Speaker 2 24:13

I'm a down at him yeah, oh, I feel all right about it. I know you do, baby, I don't feel no ways about it, but, um, yeah, that's that's. That's one example that pops out of my mind okay you do that so infrequently now yeah, I'm gonna tell you where I feel like I don't support you enough in my head and you tell me how wrong I am. Okay because I I still feel like I right. But I'm living in a delusional world in my mind and I'm trying to get clear.

Speaker 1 24:39

That's a good exercise. Let's go.

Speaker 2 24:41

When you were talking before about supporting the business versus supporting the person. I'm just going to free think.

Speaker 1 24:47

Get it out.

Speaker 2 24:48

I don't always know if I'm intentionally distinguishing between how I'm helping the business and how I'm helping you.

Speaker 2 24:54

I feel like because I love you and I care about you the source of all of this before the business, before the kids I've always loved you and I've always cared about you.

Speaker 2 25:02

And even before I loved you, I've always deeply cared about you. I've always cared about you feeling supported and you feeling like you had people. Like when I first met Kier, I learned about his mom, I learned about his dad, I learned about his relationship with his family and how things had changed from when he was, you know, a teenager till now and like that just created such a soft space in my heart for you, even before our relationship started. So I feel like I may not be intentionally distinguishing between how I support the business and how I support you. I know I support you because I know my heart supports you, but sometimes I feel like I don't do it intentionally enough that it's hard for me to kind of separate you and the business. Like we the sit down talk yes, I'm talking to my husband, but this is still cameras and you know headphones right there, laptop right here in the camera.

Speaker 2 25:48

There's a mic right here. So it's like, it's definitely produced and sometimes I just feel like the lines get so blurry between the two and sometimes I feel like you know, you don't feel as supported by me as Kier, the person as my husband outside of, like the father of these kids and I'm trying to help take care of. I actually agree?

Speaker 1 26:11

OK, I agree, but this is the thing. This is why I don't hold that against you. I don't know what I need. I can't even tell you where to start, because all of this is so new.

Speaker 2 26:20

And.

Speaker 1 26:20

I feel like sometimes I'm lost up under the business stuff. Yeah, I just went to Whole Foods today and the one was like oh my God, you're Keira Gaines, which we had a dope moment, but my life and the business has become almost inseparable. I can't tell you what I need, can't tell you what I need, I don't know, so I can't task you with a thing that I myself can't name identify and put my finger on. Yeah, I don't know how you can support me to be. I have no idea okay.

Speaker 2 26:47

I have no idea that didn't sting as much as I thought it would.

Speaker 1 26:49

And not only that but we can have this conversation later if y'all want. The popular reframe is your marriage comes first, the kids come second. Of course we feel that way. Yeah, that's not realistic all the time I can't.

Speaker 2 27:03

The kids are the priority right now, they are also the problem. Listen, we love these. You preaching now we love.

Speaker 1 27:15

You know that's. You know that's a whole thing on uh social media. The kids aren't the problem in your relationship. That are a yo. Okay, shut up, but you know what not shut no.

Speaker 2 27:23

Yeah, shut up this is a situation for your own relationship people don't talk about that as much. Oh my god, there's something viral going out. Is it bruce willis's daughter? It's somebody it's somebody that was just like I've never met a parent that loved being a parent and they were just saying, like parenthood is this like myth of happiness? And and it was just like listen, listen, I agree, I do not love being a parent I love my kids, I, I.

Speaker 2 27:48

She said parenthood is miserable. This is the thing. I agree with everything that she said. It is. It's miserable. It's the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. Like sometimes I want to do with these kids, I just want to be my man on the beach. Like I can't even go to cabo. Why can't?

Speaker 2 28:02

I go to cabo because it takes two flights and who's gonna watch two kids and, like I don't want to be jet lag on the way back like it's just not worth it listen and I'm gonna still be tired and the clothes still gonna be dirty and I'm still gonna have to cook when I come back. Like what, why?

Speaker 1 28:14

am I even that's crazy dog but that girl is also.

Speaker 2 28:19

I want to say she's like 24 25. I don't expect a 24 25 year old who's not married without kids to understand that, while kids and parenthood is miserable, it's also the most beautiful thing oh yeah the most amazing thing that I've ever done in my life. And at the end of the day, after these kids done run me raggedy, it's two o'clock in the morning I'm in there kissing them and they think we can't we in last night Cindy Cindy been kicking out and then we look at her.

Speaker 1 28:45

I'm like look, how beautiful two-year-olds get the smoke that three-year-olds deserve. Three is the hardest age to parent. They are not. They are terrible people, man. They're unreasonable. They got these emotions they can't regulate it's. It's like a. It's like an old friend whose personality's changing you can't have a friend break up because you still love them too much but where we, at yesterday, one o'clock in the morning, kissing her face and fawning over her in her room, tit towing she, she cooking us right now, dog, she cooking us.

Speaker 1 29:17

I wouldn't trade her for the world, though.

Speaker 2 29:20

I see somebody said it's about Sydney too. I was talking about how somebody was saying how one of the Gaines girls at the school is like a trip and they were like I know it's not Emery and I'm like no, it's Sydney. And I was like Sydney, sydney, sydney, up there, she up there. And they were like like no, she's just a future ceo and she just needs people I talked to the.

Speaker 1 29:41

I talked to the same lady. She is a huge sydney fan, but she don't know nothing.

Speaker 2 29:46

She don't know nothing about emory, but but I get it. That's the duality of sydney. I think that she's very difficult to handle as her parent because you know she asked questions, she wants clarity, she wants to know, she wants to do everything herself. You know what I mean and like if something don't make sense and like nine times out of ten that we say to kids don't really make sense.

Creating Realistic Support Systems

Speaker 1 30:09

Just get out of my face and you can't come if she, you can't convince her that something makes sense. If it doesn't make sense, she needs to see, needs to see it for herself. Let me see, yep, I need the evidence.

Speaker 2 30:17

Yep, and she remembers Earlier mommy. Earlier you said X, y and Z, like the tea thing. I told her she can get tea. That's why she was crying. She was like mommy. You said I'm like. I know I hate when kids hold you accountable, but it's too late. You know, maybe and I'm sorry maybe us trying to do tea before bed is the wrong decision. Let's try when we get home. You know what I mean, and that's my three-year-old.

Speaker 1 30:42

That's how I talk to my three-year-old a problem in this world and all the wonderful ways we spent this long not talking about kids.

Speaker 2 30:48

Let's, let's, let's end it and move on. Shawty a beast and move on. So you kind of gave me some insight on, I guess, ways or a way that me trying to support you kind of fell short. You ready to hear some?

Speaker 1 31:01

yeah, I knew this was coming I don't want y'all to think that this is just opportunity to talk no, I love these opportunities because if you don't tell me, I don't know, and I'm a person who it might sting, but I'd much rather it sting now than it be something that you internalize and then four years later our marriage all jacked up because it was never a conversation.

Speaker 2 31:22

Yeah, I don't think this is going to sting, but it's not going to feel great for a different reason. So you've mentioned, or Keir has mentioned a lot like in the past couple of months, that he's been having conversations with people and then he feels like he needs to kind of support me a little bit more, give me a little I don't know what the exact term was but just kind of like not acknowledging all that I'm doing, but like try to find a way to help me get to where I need to go, especially with all of these new roles that I'm, that I'm in and not really taking care of myself. And I agree, but I feel like for such a long time felt that way. But I felt guilty for feeling that way because I felt like you were still trying so hard and like what more could you do? So I intentionally didn't share the moments where I felt like that, because the one, not that I didn't think you could handle it, but I didn't see the purpose in telling you that you needed to do more in an area where there just wasn't capacity to do more. And I'm never in the business of making you feel bad for the sake of making you feel bad. I hate doing that. And my default answer, even when she's like babe, why don't you know, it's okay, I'll do it or no, it's okay, it's fine when it don't be fine. I don't know why I'll be fine when it's not fine. But I think, like you kind of opening up to me about wanting to do those things more freed me from, I guess, sheltering you from those feelings, and I think, like I'm, I'm feeling that in such a real way and like the things that I need aren't necessarily things that only you can do.

Speaker 2 32:53

I need more solo time in the house alone, to be alone for one, to clean for two and to do things that I think are fun for three. So it's like sometimes I want to be in the bed, I want to drop the kids off and come home and do nothing for the rest of the day and literally sit in the bed and watch the ceiling. That's one way that I want to like show up a little bit more for myself. Second way is, some days I want to watch my Netflix shows all day. That's different from laying in a bed, you know. And then other days, like I want to decorate the house or I want to clean up the house, like I don't feel like I have enough time, like I have one day on Wednesdays.

Speaker 2 33:27

If you do pick up and drop off, if I'm not tired to do all of those things, then I end up being way more burnt out than I would have been if I just did nothing. What I end up doing is I end up being stuck in this place where I don't move forward. So, like I wanted to organize the clothes in our room, I haven't done it because the times that I finally do have it, my body is so tired. Sometimes I sit for three hours and it's just like yo. Like this is not sustainable.

Speaker 2 33:52

I've been looking at my face and like I feel like I look old. I don't, I'm not old. I mean I am old but I'm tired. Like I'm tired, I'm dehydrated, I'm not taking care of my skin, I'm not eating healthy, I'm eating the kids cold chicken nuggets. Like I'm turning into the moms that the people be talking about, you know, on TV. So, like the support there, just one small aspect of the support, it's just time you know it's. I think sometimes, like the change in in care schedule, like sometimes you gotta pick up and just do stuff and we have to adjust.

Speaker 1 34:24

I mean on the last minute, and it's not always something that I would choose to do.

Speaker 2 34:28

No, he don't want to do it half of the time and most of the time I I am pushing him to do it because it is a good opportunity, but it's just been happening so often that, like that's less and less and less time for myself, yeah, and it's to the point where I'm not even showing up for myself the way that I want to.

Speaker 2 34:48

So it's just like I've always felt guilty about saying that to you, Cause I don't want. I know you already feel bad about it, but it's like we. There's only 24 hours in the day, so glad that we're having this conversation. But yeah, I kind of want to end it there and kind of see where you're you're at with everything I said, I completely agree and I think that everything you just said is so reasonable.

Speaker 1 35:08

It's so reasonable and I think it's something that's doable for me. I've been trying to deliberately build my capacity a little bit, because one thing I appreciate about you is I'll go off on a work trip and I'll come back and I'm dog. I've been traveling, I've been talking, I've been moving, I've been grooving and for some people you say that's not work, that's fine, I said the same thing when I had a nine to five, I said the same thing.

Speaker 1 35:30

I challenge you to be in my job for a month. You would want to jump off of a bridge.

Speaker 2 35:35

I, I don't even want to be, I guarantee you it's it's so much more than you think.

Speaker 1 35:39

No, you don't have to think this much. I've never thought this much at a nine to five, Like I kind of off sometimes you know off at your nine to five.

Speaker 1 35:47

It's fine. You off on your entrepreneur. You don't eat. You know it's different. That aside, I've been trying to build my capacity to take the kids out of the house more, but I think it's not a one-off when I do it, it's a one-off. It needs to be something that's more consistent, because usually we divide and conquer and with divide and conquer I take a kid, she takes a kid, and we get what we need to get done.

Speaker 2 36:09

Who that I don't know? Hold on.

Speaker 1 36:17

Let's also talk about that off camera, because I want to know exactly like I want to build in something in our schedule that makes sense, so you can expect the time that you'll get but also be realistic.

Speaker 1 36:23

Last two nights I've been so tired I've been passing out randomly. We're both. This isn't the type of polarizing relationship where one person does everything and the other person does nothing, we both pushing it to the limits in our individuals lanes. There's neither one of us have capacity for much more. But much to my point earlier, that's the tough thing about partnership is you don't have capacity and so what, and you're still responsible for me.

Speaker 1 36:49

In the needs of your partner, the woman needs more time. I have to find a way to give her more time. No, I I'm glad you said it out loud because I sense it. But I sense a lot of things that if you don't confirm it, I'm not just about to live in a prison of my assumptions and while, like I would, and while it might be easy to say well, all you got to do is talk about it. Do you know how many things we talk about a day?

Speaker 2 37:09

yeah, how many touch points and then to bring this up on top of that, on top of all the stuff about the kids, about the house paying what bill?

Speaker 1 37:16

who paid this? Did you cover this? Do you got that? What's this upcoming credit card bill? Who's due? What can we drop? Do we need a nanny? Could we go to your aunt? I gotta take her car in for service. My car got rear ended the other week. I got a trip. When I come back I gotta go to the barber shop. She gotta get her lashes done.

Speaker 1 37:31

She gotta get her bob trimmed. We is a million things and that's only a quarter of it. You can't always talk about everything. That's an idealistic perspective of a relationship, but I think you're right and I do want that for you because I see it. I see the exhaustion and I know when you're internalizing.

Speaker 2 37:50

My default is internalizing. I can't always pay attention to it. Yeah, because I got my own stuff going on and some stuff is our collective stuff, some stuff is her stuff. That's her stuff to handle. It has nothing to do with me. We are still two individual people, two individuals.

Speaker 1 38:03

She's not my mom. I can't put everything on her, some stuff that's my cross to bear. She can't do nothing for me in that area, even though it impacts our relationship. So yeah, boo, I'm glad you said that out loud and you know, I know you're working on it, but please internalize less and share more.

Speaker 2 38:21

Yeah, you know, I just you know, it's easier said than done, of course, and I'm here for it. I'm here for it, but just know.

Speaker 1 38:28

If it gets to a point where it feels like too much, I'll let you know.

Speaker 2 38:40

I think what support looks like for me in this area is I know you can see me from a mile away, but there's a part of me that still feels like I'm smarter than all men. You know what I mean. Like, I think, all women in some capacity just think like y'all just don't get it and I know everything.

Speaker 1 38:48

We don't give y'all enough credit it's an insane gender bias that a lot of women carry it is.

Finding Balance in Partnership Roles

Speaker 2 38:53

It is clearly an insane gender bias if you're watching this, you are aware you participate or it frustrates you. You know like it's one of those three things and I feel like support for me looks like calling it out, because it's not always me internalizing it. Sometimes it's me not just having the language, because I didn't have a mom who talked to me openly about feelings. You know what I mean. I didn't have that safe space where my default isn't to go into this delusional head space where I'm making up things like that's my go-to. I didn't even know that there was an option to not live there. So there's just a lot of things that are new. You know, I feel like I'm grown and I'm a mom and you know I'm married and there's some things like that I should know, but I don't and I don't know what I don't know.

Speaker 2 39:42

So I would appreciate it if you can just kind of call it out when you see it, because I trust you to continue to be tendered with me to continue to be open because, like sometimes, I didn't realize it bothered me until you said it that you had maybe when you were in Bermuda I forget who you were talking to, but you came back and I was like, yeah, I didn't know. He thought that.

Speaker 1 40:04

And look, I couldn't even think about that until I was in a hotel room by myself on a day where I didn't have to think about anybody but myself, and that was the first time I've had that in seven years. Maybe I didn't have to worry about I got this one night by myself, but tomorrow I had to jump back into husband and fatherhood. I had a quiet moment to just reflect and think about the way that I think, and my wife came up. A lot of things came up, but my wife came up and I thought about her and how I could support her. But I needed a moment, just away from the craziness of our life, just to be able to hear myself think.

Speaker 2 40:42

You know, so it's.

Speaker 1 40:44

it just speaks to the idea that relationships are this give a little, get a little. If you're listening to this, I hope you take this moment to self reflect and think about the things that your partner can be doing, but also take some of that stuff internal. What do you need in order to be able to hear what's going on with your partner? Because in order to get you that, they might need a little something, and in order to get the thing that they need you know it's just a you might have to give something in order to give something.

Speaker 1 41:12

You might need something from there it's just a cup that pours into a cup, that pours into a cup, that pours into a cup, in a, in a never-ending chain word to moana, you know that's violent and and I think I can do that thanks boo, yeah, I was just talking to one of these classmates um her day yesterday. I was thinking about taking the girls out saturday. Can I just get my one complaint off?

Speaker 2 41:32

go ahead, hold on, let me finish my laugh.

Speaker 1 41:37

I got to get this off.

Speaker 2 41:37

Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 1 41:39

Man, the kids are not fun to hang out with. They have so much work and I always end up coming home tired and blown because I don't have any time for myself during the week. And then they take my weekends. E takes my whole Sunday and then, if I get them out of the house Saturday, e and Sydney going to take my whole Saturday. But that's not to make you feel bad, it's just to say if I don't get that part off, I'll do this and I'm gonna feel away and then you're gonna be like, and then it's just gonna, it's gonna taint the thing on saturday.

Speaker 2 42:05

Are you gone saturday? Yeah, that's my, the balanced black girl and I have my baby shower.

Speaker 1 42:12

It's okay.

Speaker 2 42:13

Okay, it's in the calendar, I think so I'll check, but I'm gone from like five to nine.

Speaker 1 42:20

Okay.

Speaker 2 42:20

Like I'm gone later in the day.

Speaker 1 42:22

Okay, so what I'll do is I'll get them out the house early in the morning and I'll come back midday in time for Sydney's nap.

Speaker 2 42:29

Got you, if you could just give me a skid of free time, two hours just to decompress I'll I'll rest of the day I got you, don't even worry, I'll even wake up early and make them their favorite breakfast.

Speaker 1 42:40

I'll make chocolate chip pancakes, so they know if I could sleep in a little bit.

Speaker 2 42:43

Man, you're sleeping on saturday yeah, sleeping on saturday I might, I might take them to the circus.

Speaker 1 42:47

You're gonna be.

Speaker 2 42:48

You're gonna miss that, though that's cool, you sure I'm about to have a girl's day. It's gonna be elephants and stuff no, I'm cool, okay, I mean, I'm a little jealous, but I'm gonna take them to the circus.

Speaker 1 42:57

No, take them to the circus, okay, yeah, all right, we lit. Okay, all right.

Speaker 2 43:01

Now I'm excited about saturday so I do have another question for you. Um, so you mentioned before and I feel like there are a lot of listeners or viewers who can kind of relate to this is you know we're talking a lot about. I feel like I have a clear-ish idea of one way that I can support you, but I know that, like you're in a space where you don't really know what you need and I think that this is a difficult conversation for it to be back and forth if one party doesn't actually know you know what they need so what can I do to give you that time in this space? Because clearly bermuda was helpful. I think you're the type of person that needs solo time. That's not work related to really so tough, yeah, but it's just like I feel like it starts with just time and space, like and saturday morning doesn't count you being able to sleep in. That's not time for you.

Speaker 1 43:56

No I got it. I know what I need. Okay, I need for you. Nah, I got it. I know what I need. I need for you to give me. It's going to sound crazy I would have thought that a simp said this before I got married, but I need you to give me permission to like get up out the house on Saturday and leave and not have to worry about y'all sometimes.

Speaker 2 44:12

Got it.

Speaker 1 44:13

It can't be a weekday, because I always work, got it. It can't be a weekday because I always work, got it. I need saturday, babe, from eight to to four not from eight to seven. Just deuce out okay, or like, or from two on to the rest of the day. You good if I just need a half a day to myself.

Speaker 2 44:29

Yeah, that's why I do things that I like and I don't have to worry about y'all do you feel like I know you don't feel like I don't give you that time, but you need me to be proactive.

Speaker 1 44:39

Yeah.

Speaker 2 44:40

Okay, I get it, or else I feel guilty.

Speaker 1 44:42

I got it Because if I say babe, I need you to hold the girls down. Today, your face is going to be like yo.

Speaker 2 44:47

You know what? Never mind, I'll just stay here. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Speaker 1 44:50

And I'm going to say this I men in a space where men don't advocate. I'm looking at my calendar to pick some saturdays for you appreciate that sometimes we talk a lot about the men who don't do enough, this growing negativity, bias with men. Where men have become good men are invisibilized to the point where the narrative is so big on men that aren't doing what they're supposed to do that the men that do what they're supposed to do, we don't see them or validate their humanity. They don't exist. The men who are doing what they're supposed to do are like the A student in the class full of badass kids, where the teacher say, oh, I'm not worried about you, you're the A student. And then they focus on all the kids who aren't doing the right thing, but what they don't realize is that A student didn't eat this morning, that A doing the right thing, but what they don't realize is that a student didn't eat this morning, that a student needs your individual, one-on-one's attention, that a student needs you to realize that, even though their grades are good, their mental health is suffering. They need you to connect them to services, they need you to help them see a counselor.

Speaker 1 45:47

But but societally we worry about the men who are the toxic masculinity, and the, the black men who say I hate why? I know this is a 4c hair. And we focus on all of these men who are not doing what they're supposed to and putting bad representations of men out in public. And then they get to speak for all men somehow and that's really frustrating. And it's frustrating to be an invisibilized man. Tracee Ellis Ross said this about me. She said in that thing I put the podcast.

Speaker 2 46:17

Tracee Ellis Ross did an episode of a podcast that was about my life and it's crazy.

Speaker 1 46:21

It made me so emotional. I never heard my life read back to me before. But Tracy Ellis Ross said it's funny that I don't have the words to tell you what kind of man that Kira is without comparing it to something bad. That's where we are, and I get it. I get the frustration with men. I get it. I get the historic frustration, but are, and I get it. I get the frustration with men. I get it. I get the historic frustration.

Speaker 1 46:40

But the current conversation around masculinity and men one, that's how we ended up here in this country. And two, it's not going to age well. Women are doing an amazing job of building a community for each other. Specifically, black women are killing it right now. Black men specifically have a need gap. It's getting bad. We just found out there's more at the HBCU Just please let me get this off. At HBCU Howard, there are less black men enrolled than there are non-black students. Wow, there is a hope gap with men. Men feel hopeless, black men feel hopeless. That's what this ridiculous grasp of power in this country is about. That's another story. But this will not age well. It's not going to age well and I think that men are going to have a turn. It's going to be an emotional renaissance. At some point.

Speaker 2 47:22

Where do you think you fit into that In the mother?

Speaker 1 47:25

effing forefront.

Speaker 2 47:26

Yeah.

Speaker 1 47:27

I see it, I see it too.

Speaker 2 47:28

I see it, I see it very clearly. I just did this thing with BET.

Speaker 1 47:32

And me and rapper G Herbo were talking about mental health and I challenged a lot of his perspectives. I challenged, I challenge the perspectives of a lot of the men on set and I think men are this close, so close to this mass emotional breakthrough and when it happens it's going to require a lot of society that I don't think we have the fundamental tools to deal with. But I appreciate you seeing my humanity, babe, real talk Of course I appreciate you seeing me as a human Baby.

Speaker 2 47:56

You were a human before you were any of this. This is new, the Keir that y'all know, not new as far as he's changed, but this level of where he is, it's new. But I know you, the person. I appreciate that.

Speaker 1 48:14

I knew you before all of this. Not the protective provider, who's supposed to have nothing for himself. Be a husk.

Speaker 2 48:19

I knew you were just a fine man with a bow tie in the club because I was working in a community.

Speaker 2 48:24

I had to inspire the men who just got released from prison while trying to find jobs but you've been doing this for a really, really, really long time, but I what I will say, though, is, I think, like platforms like this, like while I do believe that you are going to be at the forefront of the modern mental health movement in general, but especially for men, and especially for black men, I think forums like this, like the sit down talk, the content that you put out there with your daughters I mean with our daughters, our babies you know the content that you put out there with me, just your day to day, like I think that we are creating language.

The Challenge of Parenting and Self-Care

Speaker 2 48:59

I think that we are creating I know we always say soft place to land, like I'm telling you that theme I don't know if that's going to be the name of our foundation or something, but like that concept is going to be something really. Really it just feels like us, and I just feel like we're creating space, conversations, words, language and everything for there to be fertile ground for that to take off, like I just think that we have to continue doing what we're doing now, being open and honest about what it really really looks like, in order for, like like I said, for there to be fertile ground for that to really grow from it. I think we're close I'm down, I think.

Speaker 1 49:35

I think it's going to take some time.

Speaker 2 49:37

I'm down I don't know if we'll see it in our lifetime, but I think things are changing. I think relationships are changing. I think that the relationship between I mean I'm just gonna say it black men and black women have been, I don't know, perpetuated in a certain way in media in general, not just social media. But there's another side to this that has always existed and it's finally getting some light. Like it's all black men and like you know what I mean, like that whole mentality. That's not true for everybody, that's true for some people, that might even be true for a lot of people. But one there's nuances. It's not a blanket statement.

Speaker 2 50:13

Two, there's so much that can be done when conversation is open yeah, I just I and maybe I'm just I know I'm a serial optimist, but I've seen it in my relationship. I see it in my conversations with my family, with my parents. Now I see it with my friends and their husbands. You know, I see it in a way that I've never seen it before, which goes to show me one that always existed, or two, is changing for the better, and both are good things to me.

Speaker 1 50:39

I agree, and another thing is that people are a little too chronically online I've never had a conversation. I've really have conversations with women in real life where it's a contentious, unproductive conversation. I rarely have that in real life. People are much more insufferable online than they are in real life. Get off. Stop having a conversation with people on threads.

Speaker 2 50:59

Have a conversation don't get me, let's, let's let's let us.

Speaker 1 51:04

Are we landing the plane?

Speaker 2 51:05

or we got some offline. I just, I just got one more question to kind of I got a couple questions I'm trying to figure out which one I'm just gonna pick I didn't mean, oh lord, I just didn't expect you to say that um, I really like this question what do you feel the most proud of us right now? Even though we're still figuring stuff out like at this stage in our life, we're about to be married for six years, y'all together going on 11 years it's already been.

Speaker 1 51:33

I think it'd be 12 in october no 11 11 in October.

Speaker 2 51:37

I'll start and I want you to end. I am really proud of the fact that I know I talk a lot about the business, but, like I haven't seen too many opportunities or examples where I feel like people are so a couples are so intimately tied business wise, that are also on the same wavelength emotionally, and I feel like this is a peak situation for things to go left. Kier has mentioned this before and he hates when people have like comparison conversations Like you know people that I talk to be like oh, don't you want to do social media too? I know you wanted to go into coaching. I know you want to do all these things. You know what of it?

Speaker 2 52:22

What is it like for Keir? Like do you feel resentment? I don't feel resentment. I mean, I can see how you can think that, how I feel is resentment, but I don't feel resentment. Like and one I know Keir hates when I say this too like you can't compare yourself to Keir Gaines, no matter who you are. This man is brilliant. He's a licensed therapist. I'm not a licensed therapist who's like he's brilliant for a reason, and I feel like when you have too many people that are trying to be the face of everything. That one, it doesn't work. And two, like people really downplay the position of the vice president, the, the vice, whatever the second yeah, the second in command like a ceo.

Speaker 1 53:02

Don't know how to send an email, but it's just like.

Speaker 2 53:04

Clearly, everybody's not meant to be number one, everybody's not meant to to be that. And if I'm not upset with being number one, why are you making me feel bad for being? I'm the best number two here. You listen, number one won't be number one if it wasn't for me. And look, number one, don't feel like you.

Speaker 1 53:19

Number two, number one. Feel like you. Number number one won't be number one if it wasn't for me. And number one don't feel like you. Number two, number one. Feel like you. Number one number one be.

Speaker 2 53:24

But I'm just proud that I get these conversations all the time from like well-meaning people, like I get the question, I get the, I get the curiosity around the dynamics of our business.

Speaker 2 53:38

But like I just love how it would have been so easy for me to be in my head about things. Like I just lost a really big brand opportunity, not because I did anything wrong, but it just didn't work out, and then I still got paid for it. And like I can totally see, or like even when we get brand deals in general, like a lot of the times if they come to me we still pitch Kier because the money's going to the same place anyway and we'll make more money if it's on his page and if it's just on my page. So I can see how, if I just really wanted to be an influencer, to be an influencer, how I can be jealous, resentful and all of those things, but like I really just want to promote a message and I feel like my message, my voice, my face is seen. So like I'm good and I'm just proud that we've been able to maintain this space, even though, like I could have gone left real fast, Trying to decide man, because that bothers me when people say that to me.

Speaker 2 54:38

Go ahead, go on for the tangent and then answer the question and we can land a plan.

Speaker 1 54:41

Go ahead, I would really appreciate it if women who have challenges around being in competition with their spouses and women who have challenges around their own sense of adequacy and value don't project those feelings onto my wife.

Speaker 2 54:54

I would really appreciate that.

Speaker 1 54:55

Yeah, I'm not number one. I'm number one A or number one B. You're number one A. We make decisions together. You're not my subordinate, you're my co-pilot. We do this thing together.

Speaker 2 55:03

Listen, you see him, I'm not far behind. I might be right there too. We shoulder to shoulder. That's how we rock.

Speaker 1 55:09

That's my philosophy. I'm never moving away from that. I love that.

Speaker 2 55:22

I'm at each other.

Speaker 1 55:22

We never, I couldn't even imagine being angry because they don't have nothing to do with us. I'm telling you you need to hop in a couple's counseling session. People have misplaced anger all the time yeah, because like somebody, they feel. Like somebody isn't like doing their share or the person is doing their idea just like me, like I don't feel like you, how you gonna save me? You getting jumped too but that same comparison and sense of inadequacy and sense of entitlement that I just talked about.

Speaker 2 55:43

No, that's real. No, I do feel that way it transfers directly into parent partnerhood. Not that I feel that way. I mean I understand how people feel that way.

Speaker 1 55:50

I'm proud of us because we're a team, we have a common enemy and it's the kids Period.

Speaker 2 56:03

Exclamation mark in the sentence. Let's land it. I'm good, um, that was a really good informative conversation, man. Can I say one more thing? Yeah, we're still gonna land this plane, so here is being super modest, but he has a course coming out on communication with couples what's it called?

Building a Mental Health Movement for Men

Speaker 1 56:15

again, take your um oh my gosh, I can't remember the name of my own course. I'm blanking right now. It's a course about couples communication. It's just about listening to understand. It's about saying the thing that needs to be said, but in a way that your partner can receive. It's a three module course and a lot of you won't find anybody selling a course for under five hundred dollars. Yeah, my course is going to be very inexpensive this course.

Speaker 2 56:39

So. So the last that I heard of this course, so the way that Kira and I kind of work together business wise, is the idea process is always.

Speaker 2 56:47

I mean, how did I just work on it yesterday? Listen, the way that we kind of handle business is we go through the idea phase together and usually I'm around for like the shooting I was around for the shooting of this but when it comes to like the editing and actually putting it out there, the final product nine times out of 10, I don't know what the final product looks like, I just know idea I pen to paper, he puts it together and then I help with everything afterwards. So part of the part of the course is there's these like quizzes that you can take, and it was my responsibility to do the quizzes and I I use like the script from the um courses and I I kind of use some of his notes to kind of build out what these quizzes will look like. And when I was testing them I actually took the quizzes. So I I basically took the course was it helpful for you oh my, and I'm just like.

Speaker 2 57:36

I know my man is smart and I know you know our relationship is good and like, sometimes I love that and this is this is a very like honest moment. Sometimes I'll be listening to what Kira be saying. I'll be like duh, you know what I mean. And one of the things that Kira does he really takes these like complicated concepts and gives them to you in little, bite sized pieces so that you're easily able to digest them, like that's. That's literally what he does, that's his model. But a lot of the time I don't feel like his content is for me, the person, because I feel like we've kind of elevated in our relationship. So when I was going through the course, I was like, wow, this is really helpful because I think you distinguish, like between communication style, expression style and like something else, and I was just like, wow, like I'm actually different in a lot of these ways, in the three ways that we're analyzing ourselves, but I'm also different from where I was 10 years ago to where I am now.

Speaker 1 58:31

That's the goal.

Speaker 2 58:32

And then I think, a lot of times, when we think of like mental health thing, you're like, well, I'm good, like I'm not aggressive, I'm, you know, let's say, assertive. But even if you do have an assertive communication style, there are things you need to watch out for. There's no ABC mark on you know, assertive is an A and aggressive is a D. You know, it's not necessarily like that. And to frame it in that way so that, like you know, sometimes people like I don't need therapy, I'm good, everybody needs therapy, everybody needs self-help analyzation, all of those things.

Speaker 2 59:04

So to be able to take the course essentially and then take something from it as somebody who feels like I don't necessarily need the course, was really like that was the mind blown kind of part for me, because I'm like, oh, this really is for everybody, not just people who are struggling in their relationships, and definitely still for people who feel like they have good communication. Communication is like a process. It's not like a one time thing that you do. It's always going to change. So, like I just was really impressed and I can't wait for this course to come out. I'm so excited.

Speaker 1 59:38

And it's also for people who aren't in a current relationship. So the course isn't out yet, but it'll be out very soon. It's going to be really accessible. I'm going to make it dumb cheap. I can't tell you the price. I haven't decided yet, but it's going to be less.

Speaker 2 59:48

We got to talk to our manager first.

Speaker 1 59:50

But either way it's going to be more accessible. Good luck finding a therapist on IG or anywhere that has a course for less than 600. Good luck to you, but that's gonna um. It's not out right now, but we're gonna put the link below. Just sign up for my mailing list and I'll send you. I'll shoot it to you once it's out. It'll be really good for you, but that's gonna be it for us today. Thank y'all for tuning in. If you're audio listener, thank you for listening. If you're youtube watcher, thank y'all for watching. Hit the subscribe button so we can know you family for real and then make sure you hit the notification button on youtube so you can know if all of our posts as soon as they post and make sure that, if you are an audio listener, you leave us a review or a message or a message.

Speaker 1 1:00:27

We have that capability.

Speaker 2 1:00:28

Yeah, we have a message where you can send us a text message, so we would love to hear from you but until next time y'all be good, and we'll see y'all then.

Speaker 1 1:00:36

take care, take care, thank you.