Acknowledging Gratitude in Relationships

Speaker 1 0:00

hey, what's up y'all? Welcome back to the sit down talk podcast, and today we're going to talk about something that it got people in their burlap sacks. It got people in their duffels. It got people in their bag.

Speaker 2 0:12

This conversation has a lot of folks up in their feelings and we're going to be talking about gratitude in relationships, not just the grand gestures but the everyday moments that too often go unnoticed.

Speaker 1 0:23

And and you know, like the whole. Why should I thank you for doing what you're supposed to do, mindset or the whole? What do people say? Why should I say thank you for you doing the bare minimum? You heard that conversation. Yeah, today we're going to talk about that.

Speaker 2 0:39

We got to remember that acknowledgement isn't extra, it's essential. And if you've ever felt unseen in your relationship, this one's for you yes, it is, and welcome to it.

Speaker 1 0:49

This is a sit down talk. Let's go. Today we are going to be talking about relationships, because that's what we do on the sit down talk but talk about relationships in some way but it's it's something more specific than that.

Speaker 1 1:03

I just posted a video today, actually, and I just I've been changing my content up on Instagram a lot and it's just really me mic'd up. I take this camera, I put it somewhere and I just go about my day. Sometimes I'll talk to the camera, sometimes I don't. I got hours of footage of me doing absolutely nothing and saying nothing. It's not exhilarating to watch nothing and saying nothing. It's. It's not exhilarating to watch, I'll tell you. But when we do catch a dope moment, though, um, I posted, and I posted something today and it was just around showing your partner gratitude and I didn't think it was real remarkable.

Speaker 2 1:34

But you never do.

Speaker 1 1:36

I know it's just, it's just my brain doing what it do, but the response has been tremendous and I thought it'd be well. We both actually thought it'd be a good idea to bring it here to y'all today I'm so sorry.

Speaker 2 1:48

I really was trying to pay attention to you, but the scruffy like I hate it.

Speaker 1 1:53

Salt and pepper, like you look so fine right now.

Speaker 2 1:56

I was like, oh my god, he can roam. I know you hate it, but you look amazing, right you just it's effortless I don't like hair on my face. He never did, and anytime you see hair on his face, it's usually because I asked him for it. Remember when it was long when we first started dating, but it don't connect right here.

Speaker 1 2:14

Yeah, it connect right here. I feel like it may connect eventually, because every year it creeps closer and closer.

Speaker 2 2:20

Yeah, I'm saying but it's the salt and pepper of it. It's like I didn't realize how much gray you had until you let your hair grow out and it's like, wow, I really love, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 2:30

This ain't why we here. My bad, I hate having this hair on my face, but I'm too tired to do anything. I'm too tired to go to the barber shop.

Speaker 2 2:38

This is a scruggly, struggly, struggly, scruggly Damn. I know the word. Why am I struggling? It's a rough time for us right now y'all, let's move into this conversation. Don't focus on how we look, just listen to us.

Speaker 1 2:54

Okay, okay, okay. Shout out to the audio listeners.

Speaker 2 2:56

Let's set the stage, so we'll go ahead and drop the post right here. So you have some context.

Speaker 1 3:05

You know a phrase I used to say before I got married that I'm not a fan of anymore. Why should I praise you for doing what you're supposed to do, or why should I praise you for doing the bare minimum? Thank you for doing that is an acknowledgement and a recognition, and I don't care how small the task is. I'm going to say thank you for that, even if, within our understanding, that's the thing that you decided to take ownership of. My wife quit her job to be a full-time stay-at-home mom, and sometimes I got to work crazy hours and she'd be having to hold the girls down solo for hours at a time. And even though that's her job, per our agreement, that's her responsibility. I always take the time out to say thank you and I take the time out to acknowledge that it was hard.

Speaker 1 3:39

Just from counseling couples, people invalidate their partner's experiences all the time, but how hard can it be to? All you had to do was stop, and I get it. I'm about to put this back in the jar and I get it. When we don't feel acknowledged, it's hard to acknowledge other people. It's hard to do for you what I don't feel like you do for me enough. Sometimes people have this attitude of nobody clapped for me, so why should I have to do all that for you? And what recognizes they're perpetuating the same pain that they felt. If she don't eat the sandwich, I'm going to crash out dog. I already know I be pulling in some crazy hours. I work a lot. My wife always acknowledges that, even when I want to quit. That validation just takes me so far and for that I appreciate her. She actually ate the sandwich, by the way.

Speaker 2 4:21

She did. Which one was it? I think that one was four, because if it was Sid, I know she licked it maybe, but she didn't eat it.

Speaker 1 4:24

I don't remember which kid that was for.

Speaker 2 4:26

It was probably Emery.

Speaker 1 4:27

They've been jumping us lately.

Speaker 2 4:28

So who knows?

Speaker 1 4:29

It might have been Eve.

Speaker 2 4:30

Sydney's weird. She doesn't eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She licks the peanut.

Speaker 1 4:33

She split it and licks both sides.

Speaker 2 4:35

Does she ever eat the bread.

Speaker 1 4:38

Or she eats it for the last. Just felt like a failure as a parent. Like, who does that? Like why are you?

Speaker 2 4:44

why you gotta be like. That is the kid that. What is it? You march to the beat of your own drum that's not even a drum.

Speaker 1 4:52

She just beating the hell out of her upside down bucket yeah, and she don't care.

Speaker 2 4:56

Okay, okay, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, okay. So I know. So, like for real, for real, for real, for real, let's get serious. Like I know that at the time that you were creating the post, like of course, you couldn't have seen that this was happening, but like out of everything that you posted that clearly stood out to you. Why did it?

Speaker 1 5:16

I think it was just on my heart in the moment, because I feel like so much of our relationship would be harder to navigate if we just weren't careful about acknowledging the small things that the other person does. Yeah, because it's easy. Sometimes we do feel like a married couple, but to me sometimes we feel like co-workers at a part-time job. Yeah, man and trauma bonding, yeah, and we be actually what people say is trauma bonding isn't trauma bonding. That's a different thing, it's common enemy intimacy common enemy intimacy.

Speaker 2 5:49

Yeah, that's what we're, oh 1000% did. A common enemy okay, we learned something new. Stop using trauma bonding.

Speaker 1 5:58

That's not actually what it means men, men always be like women, be trauma bond. I was like ah, that's more common enemy intimacy. I see where you coming from you, the enemy bruh yeah, yeah, common enemy. Intimacy is a problem, but that's for another episode uh, damn, we rabbit hole so much I forgot where we at what inspired the? Post what was what was it?

Speaker 2 6:16

what was it about what?

Speaker 1 6:18

I guess what you were talking about, the concept that really stood out for you but, yeah, I find myself saying thank you for a lot of things that I never thought I would, but it's. I just feel like it needs to be acknowledged. I think me having the advantage of seeing couples in their hardest moments I see the mistakes that people make and it's like, ah, okay, I don't want that.

Speaker 1 6:38

You know, you, you do a counseling session for a couple who's been married for 10, 15 years and you see how just not them not seeing their partner for so long like it's nothing in a moment like doing, like this don't, and I'm poking her arm if you can't see it already bothers me you see what I'm saying. It bothers her now, but if I did this for 20 years, that I'd be like it'd be painful you know what I'm saying it doesn't feel painful in the, but those small things add up over time and I don't want that to happen.

Speaker 1 7:06

Resentment is too easy. Resentment is easy man, it collects fast. It's like dust, like it just be there all the time and I think I'm trying to avoid that as much as possible. And plus, I appreciate it, I don't ever want to watch the kids by myself you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 7:22

I?

Speaker 1 7:23

mean, I do it, of course, time out, and we gotta say this because it's the internet no amy be going on vacations, she goes on trips she held with her girls all the I always.

Speaker 1 7:33

I watch the kids all the time and it's not like I'm babysitting them, but I'm looking after the kids while we're not both in the house and it's not a problem. Go do your thing, bully your life, but I don't like to watch them in the house. I like for us to be out in the house. It's painful for me out the house is painful for her so yeah, that's accurate, yeah yeah.

Speaker 1 7:52

So I see you doing something that I know would be hard for me and even though it's, it's not as hard for you, it's not hard in the same way. I just want to let you know I see you. Thanks, baby. You held the kids down for two hours. They were were screaming and being crazy. You ordered me lunch too. Thank you, a good groove now that, like those issues, don't matter to me, nor do I see or acknowledge them anymore.

Speaker 2 8:32

um, but let's just kind of take a step back, because I definitely feel like you and I would have issues about me not being like saying thank you and acknowledging you know some of the efforts that you made, mostly because because, like my childhood, because things weren't you know what I mean A big deal to me. But do you feel like you struggled with saying thank you? I don't remember. I don't remember that far. I feel like you've pretty much always been good with that, like, were you conscious of that?

Speaker 1 8:59

No, I think I, because you say it. I think it's just who I am, even Emory, and Sidney say it all.

Speaker 2 9:02

Thank you.

Speaker 1 9:03

Thank you.

Speaker 2 9:03

I'm sorry. I say I'm sorry a lot and you say thank you all the time.

Speaker 1 9:06

Yeah. Yeah, I purposely don't say I'm sorry. All the time I try to save it for when I actually am. If I say it, I really mean it.

Speaker 2 9:21

I say it, I've been in like. That response is not I don't want to say encourage, but I feel like it's unequally kind of placed on us than it is on men, especially in the workplace. I can see that yeah.

Speaker 1 9:36

I can see that and for me it's probably a little bit of like an inverse similar thing, because sometimes you walk into a room, you a tall, dark-skinned dude, people will automatically assume that you have a tone or tenor or they make assumptions about you before you open your mouth, and I like to show people like I do have gratitude for these things when I go to a restaurant I say hey, thank you.

Speaker 1 9:58

And then somebody bring me the bill. Thank you, brother. Somebody bring the food, thank you. I don't take for granted anything anybody does. My motto is nobody don't have to do for anybody. You're supposed to treat me with kindness? No, I'm not. I don't have to be kind to you. Kindness is not a given. I do not think kindness is a given in this world. I don't think that you are. You're not entitled to kindness. I think if someone does show you kindness, that's a beautiful gesture that deserves acknowledgement. Um, I don't know if you ever been fishing, but the ocean is terrifying. There's no kindness in the ocean. I'll be hunting in the woods, man them, fox the foxes, be tearing them squirrels up. There's no kindness out there. So I, it's I. If it's coming my way, I want to show, I want to go out of my way to show appreciation for no matter how small it is. You know you don't owe me anything, maybe.

Speaker 2 10:45

I got an entitlement thing.

Speaker 2 10:47

Yeah, I hate entitlement, because I'm like I don't know that I feel that strongly about it and even like when you said, like no one's entitled to kindness, I just find that that's so harsh. You know what I mean and like maybe that just has something to do with the way that you know I was raised, or like just my childhood experiences. Like I do believe that everybody is entitled to kindness, because I don't think that you need to spill your BS over on other people that it doesn't affect. I feel like kindness should be the baseline, but not even to go into a rabbit hole there. I feel like it's different in relationships, though. Like I feel like at a restaurant, if you the waiter, I do expect some type of like attention and kindness, but in a relationship like especially when we're thinking about things that your partner is supposed to do as a parent, as a partner or whatever, I think that's where it gets kind of tricky.

Speaker 1 11:34

Hold on. Can we wrap a hold on that? Because I think that's a good point In my mind there's kindness, which is one extreme, there's being unkind, which is the other extreme, and in the middle there's just like this, in not indifference, what's a positive form of indifference, kind of like just basic human dignity understood that's. That's what I feel like. Everyone's entitled to a level of basic human dignity.

Speaker 2 11:56

I don't have to be kind to you, which is the kindness I feel like on this side. For me would be the validation and acknowledgement.

Speaker 1 12:03

Like you, gotta be kind but you don't necessarily have a different scale.

Speaker 2 12:07

I see, I see, I see why you just think the way you think but it's also my baseline, like I feel like in general, like if anybody were to ever meet me in person. Usually the first thing that people say is no, he's so nice. Like that is my.

Speaker 1 12:19

My baseline is just yeah, I thought she was fake on me first. Yeah, I get that, I thought she was failing. Are you being so nice, especially in dc? But that's another thing I'm not, I'm not from. Dc is a totally different baseline dc boston and new york, but you know what jersey?

Speaker 2 12:35

jersey isn't that nice either, but like I genuinely feel like that's just who I am. I've always been that person. I've been told that I'm too nice my entire life, like like for my family, for my friends, but like that's just who I am.

Speaker 1 12:48

Like that's just that is my yeah, that's my baseline.

Speaker 2 12:50

I'm OK with that, but I don't hold that standard to everybody.

Speaker 1 12:53

Yeah.

Speaker 2 12:53

You know, I mean, I don't necessarily expect everyone to be as kind as I am, but I do expect to be respected.

Speaker 1 13:07

So you.

Speaker 2 13:07

Your other point was the kindness in a relationship, you are entitled to kindness in a relationship. I agree with that. Yeah, I'm like why are we in a relationship if you can't? If it's that hard for you to even be kind to me, you can't be kind I'm out yo.

Speaker 1 13:14

But you know what, though? Some dudes like like their women a little mean yeah, that is true some dudes like their women a little mean and I think a little condescending, a little petty I can't stand those qualities don't do that to me, and when you come to me because that's what the other dudes like and you do that, it's I'm, I'm real harsh.

Speaker 2 13:32

I cut off real fast I always say talk to me nice that's crazy.

Speaker 1 13:36

The world is ugly enough.

Speaker 2 13:37

I don't want that shit at home all right, that's real right.

Speaker 1 13:41

What are we doing here?

Speaker 2 13:42

no, no judgment, no judgment, no judgment lord judgment. Lord judgment a little bit okay, so like, okay. So then like how, going back to the relationships, because we've gone on too many rabbit holes- but it's just like, how do we get here? In relationships it's just looking at the, the comments. This is clearly a thing in relationships. So, like, how did we get to this place? Like I'm not thanking you for what you supposed to be doing? Like, where does that come from? Oh, because it's so common.

Speaker 2 14:10

I'm sure it comes from people's like super personal experiences, but it's a big enough concept that so many people relate to that. Clearly there's some generality there, right?

Speaker 1 14:23

Yeah, I think it has to come from somewhere.

Speaker 2 14:25

I'm asking your therapist brain by the way.

Speaker 1 14:27

Oh, that's a better question for a sociologist. I'm not sure If I had to guess, though. I'm about to say that's probably a better question for you.

Speaker 2 14:35

I think, okay, let's think about it, let's talk through it.

The Importance of Validation and Acknowledgment

Speaker 1 14:37

I think I got a little hypothesis or whatnot. I think that just with the diffusion of the internet and us being able to read the thoughts, views and opinions of millions of people, right at our fingertips, which I don't think the brain was ever designed to do. Um, I think that people find communities of thought and things become popular like look at even the way we talk every. Remember when everybody in the country used to talk a different way or have different slang. Do you remember?

Speaker 1 15:07

you, oh yeah, and it's different now everybody talks the same because of the internet, like look at, even like the rhetorical things like I'm no better than a man, or uh she ate that she ate, she ate down.

Speaker 1 15:20

Like everyone talks the same way now because we're all getting influenced by the same like 100 trains of thought. So I think just like that'll work on something like you ate down or period pool or whatever. If it works like that for sayings, it can work like that for attitudes and mindsets. And I think that people are exhausted by people.

Speaker 1 15:43

I think that both men and women are exhausted with each other in the constant magnification of the things they dislike in the other side and just like internalizing things that sometimes have nothing to do with you, but you take it as an offense and you're drawn from your personal experiences. I think that all those messages have made people build up a wall to say this is what I just will not tolerate. And because of that it sets Well, because we're also like in 2024 and everything is so Damn. Happy New Year.

Speaker 2 16:16

Happy New Year.

Speaker 1 16:17

Everything is so big and grand. I think people baseline their expectations a little high sometimes. So what's a good example? Because I feel like I'm not hitting home with my words.

Speaker 2 16:28

Yeah, let's make it personal.

Speaker 1 16:30

So in my family all the gatherings the women cook. I don't know what the men do.

Speaker 2 16:35

They don't really they just kind of they show up yeah.

Speaker 1 16:39

It's not a lot of them, but they just kind of show up and eat. You know what I'm saying. They'll clean stuff off and move tables around.

Speaker 1 16:45

Some of them don't really do nothing if I saw my baseline, as women are supposed to be in the kitchen cooking at events, and I say, and then when you're here, and since my baseline is women are supposed to cook, and you're cooking and you're doing all these things, and I see it as that's what you're supposed to do and I don't say thank you. You know I'm saying I don't acknowledge it, I don't acknowledge all the effort, because I think that's just in your wheelhouse of duties. I think that's like the problematic piece of it all.

Speaker 1 17:12

I expect you to do that. Therefore, when you do that, you met my expectation. That's what was supposed to happen. There's no reason for me to give you anything extra. You're supposed to do that again and again and again. That's your job, what you think? Do you understand what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 17:26

I do. I think what I'm noticing is like I just can't relate to this and I think I'm really trying to but I can't relate to not feeling validated and acknowledged at this point in our relationship I mean, mean yeah.

Speaker 1 17:44

And I'm trying, I'm really trying to, but I go above and beyond.

Speaker 2 17:49

Right, which is why I said I can't relate Like. I'm trying to find a connection to this.

Speaker 1 17:54

Think about the people you know who don't feel validated in their lives and in their experiences and all the stuff that they do.

Speaker 2 18:01

Can I tell you why this is hard and all the stuff that they do? Can I tell you why this is hard? I have an amazing circle to where I can't speak for my friends and the people I know and their like marriages specifically, or where they're coming from. But we do a lot of acknowledging and validating and making sure that we all feel supported. It goes back to what you said before in the, in the in the post, and making sure that we all feel supported. It goes back to what you said before in the post. It was like nobody clapped for me, so why should I clap for you? And I just feel like it's deeper than that. It's not about the other person if you feel that way. It's about you not feeling acknowledged and a lot of that times I think it's about people not feeling comfortable to speak up and saying, hey, this is something that's really difficult for me. I would like it if you acknowledge that.

Speaker 2 18:48

And, I think, expecting the other person, you know, expecting the other person to understand why this particular instance is so important to you, without context, like that's just a recipe for disaster, it's a recipe for failure. It's a recipe for failure. So I guess, going back from that question, why is it that people don't feel that they are worthy of validation?

Speaker 1 19:13

and acknowledgement, because that's really what it comes from man. There's so many answers here. I mean, I think one side, maybe people don't think they're worthy of validation and acknowledgement. I think on the other side they may have a partner who's reluctant to give them validation and acknowledgement. I was on on the podcast with dr becky we were talking about that with kids, like why do people feel like validation is dangerous?

Speaker 1 19:33

and I said I think people don't want to one make that other person soft or like destroy whatever resilience they have by clapping for them at every opportune moment yeah, I know that's so against everything that I stand for and it makes it my. I feel my body getting tense even just thinking about that's the way a lot of people work, and it's, I mean, we, also from a generation. I don't know if your parents were like that. Well, you shared that they've been like this before in some ways oh, they never acknowledged me.

Speaker 2 20:00

Yeah, like the validation babies.

Speaker 1 20:03

Man, why should I acknowledge you for something you supposed to be doing?

Speaker 2 20:06

was a mantra. I hear you want a cookie, yeah, you want a cookie. Yeah, chocolate chip, love those, give me three of them, please maybe that's why I'm so against. That is because, hey, people respond to things differently because I didn't get that acknowledgement and validation. I mean, I did get it, but it was usually from somebody else telling me how proud my mom was. But hey, people respond to things differently because I didn't get that acknowledgement and validation.

Speaker 2 20:30

I mean, I did get it, but it was usually from somebody else telling me how proud my mom was of me. You know what I mean, or what my dad told them about me Never said to me directly and I think because that affected me so much. I don't know. Let me know if I'm wrong, but I feel like I've done a good job of saying, hey, I need to be acknowledged here.

Speaker 1 20:41

Nah. Yeah, let's get some context, You're the person that I learned that from. So Noemi does a really good job of saying hey, I really need like I'm feeling low right now. My confidence ain't super high and I need some words of encouragement. I need you to tell me I'm doing a good job and I think I need a hug. I never heard anybody put on a menu exactly what they need to feel better.

Speaker 1 21:05

But I think this also goes to answer the question you asked me, like how we get here is because I think a lot of people feel like that's a dumb thing to advocate for. Or you're being childish, or you're being needy by asking for those things. I got one of my homeboys, my man, dayo dayo, be like hey guys, I'm a little self-conscious about this. I'm gonna need some extra claps right now, and dayo was like he's a dude you know he's a Nigerian dude.

Speaker 1 21:32

I've really learned that from him. Bro will ask from the bros what he needs and I was like, damn, that's so smart. So that's I. Kind of I stole that, like I think that's a brilliant way. My mind doesn't naturally work like that by itself. I feel like that's dumb and childish to ask for something I'm not supposed to expect that? I'm supposed to just do it and and not really require that out of anybody, but be excited when, when and if it happens, yeah, or be mad when nobody acknowledges it silently mad too, not hourly man no, that's real, that's real.

Speaker 2 22:06

But even going back to, I guess people think that it's like asking for that. It's so dumb, so simple, so childish, like I think that that's probably the most like the best way to show vulnerability in any relationship, in a friendship, in a romantic not even just ask for the things you need admitting when you're feeling low, admitting when you're vulnerable.

Speaker 2 22:27

Admitting when you're self-conscious. Admitting that something hard for you, admitting that you need a little bit more acknowledgement somewhere. And yes, that is hard, that is really hard. I would not be able to do that with you if you didn't feel safe.

Speaker 1 22:38

That's God dang. That's the point I was about to hit on. I think you need a partner that you feel safe to do that with, and while we're talking about kindness being a requisite of a relationship, I think another requisite of a relationship is I need you to actually see me as a whole person, not just what I can do for you Not what I can do for you, not this manifestation that you've been asking God for, not this notch on the pole between you and like this checklist of what validates your adulthood or your manhood or your womanhood, because we all do it.

Speaker 1 23:14

I think you need to see me as a person first, don't even see me as a man dog. See me as a person first, like I just need you to see my humanity. However, that's not a skill that every relationship is going to have, going to be able to demonstrate great strength in in the beginning.

Speaker 2 23:28

So especially if that wasn't the catalyst to y'all getting to where y'all are now, and that's why I said you're peeling back the layers, because a lot of these questions can't be answered if you don't have that trust, that vulnerability, that honesty, that openness. Like you started. It's starting wrong already. It wouldn't mean I'm starting wrong, but it's starting hard starting off hard yeah, and it's like you can't answer that question, like you can't get there without safety so so what does real talk?

Speaker 1 23:56

because, safety is a triggering word for me, because I find that some people will do this thing when they'll say something that's rude or off-putting, and and then when you address them, I don't feel safe. Now, you don't get to do that. You know you can't hide behind victimization when you're the aggressor. Sometimes you got to acknowledge the thing that you did before you can crouch into the warmth of victimization. So wait a minute, wait just one second, and let's talk about this.

Speaker 2 24:25

Let's pause real quick If your mind just exploded right now. And second, and let's talk about this, let's pause real quick if your mind just exploded right now. And this was a lot.

Speaker 1 24:33

Please tell me how you feeling in the comments, because all I saw was I don't I, I, I don't hear what anybody else here I know, but just you just be spitting.

Speaker 1 24:39

I'm like wait, wait, wait, whoa, but it's but I just see the gaps in between, the way that people, like, see things in the way that things are actually playing out in front of them, and it's not that their feelings or their perspective isn't valid. It's just that it's incredibly distorted and when you're experiencing things in real time, you're not going to be able to zoom out enough to see it that way. And that's not an indictment on you as a person. That doesn't mean that you're incapable. It doesn't mean that you're less than, doesn't mean that you're incompetent. It just means that you're human, and I think that's one of the things you got to embrace before you can even take any of these steps that we talking about, before you could develop any type of real substantive emotional awareness.

Speaker 2 25:20

You know so what does I mean? We're just gonna go into this conversation. Let to go into this conversation.

Speaker 1 25:27

Let's go into this conversation.

Speaker 2 25:28

So, like I feel like you've always been the type of person to be honest about how you feel, and let me tell you what I know. Let me tell you what I mean, because you're you're looking at this from the way that I am and I just feel like you have always been empowered to like do what feels right for you, Like in relationships. Like if it's not working, you're free to like I'm out, like I'm done, Like you don't. You don't lock yourself into certain situations. And I felt like for me it's been different, Like I've definitely been in romantic relationships where I knew I wasn't right but I still stayed anyway and I made the best of it, or what I thought would be the best of it, and I wasn't as open, I wasn't as vulnerable, I wasn't as outspoken about things that bothered me or hurt me or things that I just didn't like in general.

Speaker 2 26:27

And I can honestly say that, like you were the first, like who you know me, as I haven't been for anybody else. Like you literally got the best of me. Like you didn't. You didn't get the soft spoken, I'm unhappy or I found something out and I'm just going to act like I don't know. Noemi.

Navigating Relationships With Vulnerability

Speaker 2 26:45

You don't know that, noemi. So I had to deal with a lot of that BS before I got to you. But I will say that when I met you, something about you that always felt safe. And I'm trying to figure out.

Speaker 1 26:55

I've heard that.

Speaker 2 26:56

I've been hearing that my whole life but I mean I it's just something about you and that's why I say that you are maybe not as vulnerable, or I mean you're more vulnerable now, like you weren't as vulnerable then, but you were very confident about what worked for you and what didn't work for you. You weren't about to like be in a situation that wasn't beneficial to you.

Speaker 1 27:21

That's the part. That's what I don't understand no, go ahead.

Speaker 2 27:24

No, it's okay.

Speaker 1 27:24

That's because of the baseline of how I look at love. First, I'm gonna let y'all in on something. This is vulnerability. I don't do this, but I have challenges around avoiding attachment big time. So to me, love isn't something I aspire to ever. Love is something that, if it made sense, I fall into. But I didn't aspire to love anybody or to know someone deeply or to be deeply known. I've never. I care about that now because of this one, but, like globally, I still don't care about any of those things so it's.

Speaker 1 27:57

It didn't. The idea that I need to have love like this in my life never had a gun to my head and forced me to be in a situation that didn't feel right Now. The inverse of that is, I think I ended a couple of those relationships very badly, man. I didn't handle those. I didn't do it well. I was like, oh, this ain't working, it's time to end. You don't do that to people. And I did that more than once and I regret it to this day. You know, I think about it sometimes. I wish I would have handled that differently. Definitely glad I'm not in a relationship glad.

Speaker 2 28:28

Just just to be clear.

Speaker 1 28:30

I'm glad that it's not. I'm glad that it ended, but I'm not proud of the way that I ended it. Um. So yeah, I don't. I can't see that. I can't see me being in a situation where I'm not happy or where I where I feel all these negative feelings towards somebody and I push through. But now that I'm married and got kids and a house and all these bills and if something happens between me and you, it's not just like we go our separate ways, like stuff gonna be messed up, real bad it. I I think I care about that more now, you know, but yeah, before, like why, if you, why would you be in a relationship with somebody?

Speaker 1 29:06

and this ain't judgment if this is you, because I got an answer for you why would you be and I know the answer, I'm just saying why would you be in a relationship with someone who doesn't like you, who you don't like?

Speaker 2 29:16

familiarity. Yeah, you know, not wanting to start over. Yeah, not knowing, thinking that it's worse out there. Yeah, you know what I mean Not having examples of positive relationships. Am I looking for a unicorn? You know what I mean. I remember growing up like you don't get married for love, and it's like but I love, love, I want to be in love. I want a piece in love.

Speaker 2 29:41

I want to be in love too, and I think a lot of those mindsets are why I stayed, because it's just like, well, you know, this is just a season. I mean, people stay for various reasons. But I just say all of that to say that there was something definitely different about you the longer. I mean. I don't know if you were like that in the first year, I don't remember, but there was something about you that just felt safe. It felt like I can share my insecurities with you without you throwing it back in my face. Man, I think I know what it is. What is it?

Speaker 1 30:17

I think that people will almost always do the wrong thing with power and autonomy. You give people power, you give people autonomy. They'll do the wrong thing nine times out of ten.

Speaker 2 30:28

That's just the way I feel.

Speaker 1 30:29

No, I agree, you can argue with me in the comments, if you want.

Speaker 2 30:31

I'm not changing my mind, just look at the news.

Speaker 1 30:35

It'll tell you everything you need to know, especially now, man it's getting crazy and it's going to get crazier, but I've always felt powerful.

Speaker 1 30:43

I've always felt like a powerful person. Yeah, yeah, I've always felt powerful, just in my own mind and body. So when I get power or I get autonomy, I never felt a need to take advantage of it. You know, or? And man, I remember quick story, quick story. My mom told me this when I was little man In the cafeteria in elementary school. Elementary school, the tables who, like they, play a game or something, and the tables who won would, um, get a prize. And my mom used to tell the story about one day I think I was in the first grade and my table won a prize, but I think we might have cheated. I don't know, or yeah, I think we might have cheated. And my mom was like, aren't you happy? And I was like, nah, because I feel like we didn't deserve it.

Speaker 2 31:22

Yeah, you've always been that kid, I've always been that way.

Speaker 1 31:25

So I'm very much. I'm the same person with one person in the room, that I am with a million people in the room, that I am with nobody in the room.

Speaker 2 31:35

And I think that helps. So here is in fact a unicorn. I'm not a unicorn. I'm not a unicorn.

Speaker 1 31:40

Maybe I'm a unicorn in this particular way, but there's tons of unicorns out there. I'm not that special.

Speaker 2 31:45

Well, this is the thing. Just because there are other unicorns out there doesn't mean you're not a unicorn.

Speaker 1 31:51

I'm one of them, glimmery ones, I'm just saying, you're a unicorn too.

Speaker 2 31:53

Not even that, not even that. Why can't I fart?

Speaker 1 31:55

rainbows.

Speaker 2 31:55

Because you don't.

Speaker 1 31:57

I'm the person who knows you best in the entire world? Not too much.

Speaker 2 32:04

But I said you're a unicorn. I said you're a unicorn. You said no, I'm not. And then you said you're a unicorn.

Speaker 1 32:09

I'm a unicorn.

Speaker 2 32:11

You're a unicorn, and that's a good thing.

Speaker 2 32:16

I think you being a unicorn has definitely helped me get to a place of security and just confidence. Like I feel like I've always been like a pretty confident person, but I was that person that, like I said, didn't really get much acknowledgement. So like hearing you acknowledge me and hearing you, you know, congratulate me for even small things, like going back to the post and you're like I'm a stay at home mom and like in my mind it's like, oh, it's like whatever, like I'm supposed to do these things, I'm supposed to you know, whatever, but just acknowledging you, acknowledging like how hard the day-to-day it's hard it's hard enough.

Speaker 2 32:55

Just being a stay-at-home mom, let's just be honest. But then going from like a pretty lucrative career to where you know I had titles, I had, um, you know raises, I had these meetings where they told me I was awesome and all of these things and it's just like the year reviews.

Speaker 1 33:12

Yeah, they never give you five stars that's not true.

Speaker 2 33:14

I always you got five. I was a star at my job.

Speaker 1 33:17

They never gave you five. Because they gave you five, they had to pay you more.

Speaker 2 33:20

So everybody got four aside from the couple of microaggressions that I've experienced, that I've spoken about, crazy work. I was a star employee for sure you know, and it's like I kind of expected to carry on that that title into motherhood oh man, for real I did it's dumb, I know I know, I don't think it's dumb.

Speaker 1 33:42

It's just surprising me that you, I think it's dumb. I know, I know I don't think it's dumb.

Speaker 2 33:43

It's just surprising me that you, I think it's just the first time that I've said it out loud like I've never been in a situation academically where, like, if I worked hard I got some type of like acknowledgement for something, and it's just like a mother who won't sydney. You've seen the girl. Stop being weird. You're my bestie. What you?

Speaker 2 34:06

you see me yeah, apparently you know, give you receipts that you don't have to job man and I just I don't know like it's just been a really hard transition, guys, but you've been really really helpful in that. You've been really really helpful in that. So, thank you, I want my marriage to work man I want my marriage to work too and it's it's.

Speaker 1 34:27

It don't take much from me to acknowledge that you know it. Don't take much to say, dang, that, look hard for you. It's sometimes some things I don't think they wouldn't be hard for me to do, but that don't mean it's not hard for you.

Speaker 2 34:40

I have very recently gotten on this train, because I, admittedly, was one of those people. I guess, not that hard. Yes, just do blue, blue, blue, blue blue. And he'd be like my brain don't work that way. Yes, it does my brain, just do this.

Speaker 1 34:56

I remember one time a couple's counseling you were talking about, like I have. I have really profound issues with organization, not as much as I used to, way better, but still like organization is just hard for my brain. I've mentioned it here a million times and I'm the organization queen.

Speaker 1 35:10

I wrote the book on organization and I remember one time in couples counseling and she said something about organization and then, like the therapist was really organized too and he was like, yeah, you just got to learn to be more organized. And that man that made me so enraged. It's like if I could, I would. I don't like people oversimplifying things just because it's really simple to them. Um, but yeah, that that, yeah, you've grown in that area a lot, because they'd be like oh all you got to do is boop, boop, boop.

Speaker 1 35:37

All right, dog, but I didn't even see it what you don't, what nobody, what people don't know, is when you do things like that, you become an unsafe person to be around and it's not unsafe like you're dangerous. It's unsafe like you're not safe. It doesn't make me feel good to be around you and be vulnerable knowing that me showing you that side would just easily get bulldozed because you're only seeing your perspective in the way that you meet the world. You don't really see the way that I'm meeting the world and all the challenges that I'm undertaking because of that. And that's not unique to us. Like that happens to everybody all the time in every relationship parent, child, uh, friend relationships, uh, romantic relationships, co-worker relationships it happens all the time. I just don't always have the patience to not, you know, to stick through it, but with you, you know it was worth it.

Speaker 2 36:26

What made? What made me feel safe? Because clearly I wasn't safe when you stopped doing that.

Speaker 1 36:31

I think I remember when that happened. I don't know. I don't want to get too deep, but I also feel like this whole thing is deep. You, your mind, like maybe about four years, three years ago, your mind, like maybe about four years, three years ago, your mind just started like expanding in this different way. You used to be a very like the way I see the world is the way the world is used to be that way. And then, like you, started meeting more people I saw more of the world and, yeah, you just got introduced to more trains of thought.

Speaker 1 36:55

And then you, you slowly started backing off of that and now you're not like that at all. You're like like, hey, that was good for you, it's good for you. I got a different brain, I made a complete change.

Speaker 2 37:05

Yeah, I even see it Like things just don't bother me anymore, like they used to. They just don't Like what? Oh, I didn't mean to.

Speaker 1 37:13

No, you good Like what.

Speaker 2 37:22

Like, for example, of the things that would frustrate me in the beginning of the relationship was like.

Speaker 2 37:24

You know how I say like you just don't be seeing messes and you just want it used to bother me so much. Just like I thought and we've talked about this in the sit down talk before where I just thought, like I care about it, why can't you just care about it for me? You know what I mean like, if you care about me, like why can't you just make this a priority for me? If then, if then, if then and then, also just like this magical thing, like you think people just see because you ask them to see, and they've never seen that before in their life. Like it just doesn't work that way. And I think, like once I stopped taking it personally, because that's really where it came, came down from. It's like if you cared about me, you would. And, um, once I realized like it wasn't personal, I also got to know you better.

Speaker 2 38:05

I know more about how you grew up. I knew more about you, know how you handle stress. Like I know when you're like there's certain qualities about you, certain things that you do, that really magnify themselves when you're stressed and a lot of the time dismissed. You know what I mean. Maybe not dirtiness, but it's definitely like he's shooting. He has to wear five different outfits. He's not going to fold them back up right now in between the shot list, because he has to submit this in two hours, like that's not going to happen, and then, when he's done, he has to edit, then he has to send it. He realized he didn't eat them. Clothes are still on the bed and before I'd be like if he really loved me he would, whereas now it's like it will take him out of his routine.

Speaker 2 38:44

It will completely mess up the flow of his day for him to stop and do that for me when it'll take me two seconds to do it, and I think that's that's kind of like the mindset that I've adopted in our relationship, instead of like if he could, he would. If I can, I'll just do it.

Speaker 2 38:59

You know what I mean and I just feel like that a little bit, man, that's like my philosophy in our relationship and I've used that in my family, I've used that with my friendships. I don't know how helpful it would be for everybody, but it's freed me from the stress. I will tell you that.

Speaker 1 39:14

I think that's very challenging for a lot of people. Let's assume that our relationship is on some unicorn stuff.

Speaker 2 39:21

Okay, assuming that our relationship is on some unicorn stuff.

Speaker 1 39:22

Okay, let's hand that to people in a way that they can digest it, because a lot of folks aren't. Because the reason you can do that is because I give enough on the other side when you don't feel like you're doing all the work. That's not present in most people's relationships.

Speaker 2 39:37

Well, let me just clarify there are some, there are some instances where I do feel like I'm doing all the work you know, and I like with, with the kids. You know what I mean, even though, like, of course, like I, I go out with my girlfriends and I, you know, whatever, I have my alone time, but I don't have much alone time. You know what I mean. I, I have to make time for that. I have to, I have to plan time out for that. And usually on those days where I have the time to go hang out with my girlfriends, I'm tired, I'm taking something, I'm taking away sleep. You know what I mean. I'm taking away an event, I am overexerting myself for the hope that this will give me the self-care that I need.

Speaker 2 40:15

So there are definitely parts of my life where I do feel like I'm doing too much, but it's not because you could and you should. It's because we're we're in a season of our life where you're doing a little bit too much when it comes to work. You know what I mean. Like I don't think I don't look at it like you have the space to take things off of my plate. I kind of look at it like it is what it is and I think, um, I just want to clarify that because, like, yeah, we're unicorns in the way that we address each other, but I don't know that we're unicorns as much as like our effort. Do you agree? Do you disagree?

Speaker 1 40:48

No, I don't disagree. The only thing about effort is that in one relationship, even though effort is one singular push, it's defined two different ways by two different people. So how I perceive my effort versus how you perceive my effort may be completely different. But no, I don't. I don't disagree with you. No matter how much effort you put forth, if your partner doesn't see it, acknowledge it, validate it, appreciate it, then after a while I don't know how sustainable it would be for you to continue to put that effort forth.

Speaker 2 41:21

I guess. I guess what I'm trying to get at is like I want to give you guys something practical, something to take away from, but I also don't want it to be that all of the pressure goes on your partner to do or not do something. There has to be a happy medium and I think, in order to get acknowledgement from your partner of how hard, like your efforts are you have to do the same for them.

Speaker 1 41:48

Yeah, you know what I mean and I think like that in the content. It's hard for me to do for you what I don't feel like you do for me enough, or what I feel like the world hasn't done for me enough right.

Speaker 2 41:57

but like going back to what you said and I think I actually agree with you now in the beginning he said like you're not owed certain things just for the purpose of wanting them, and I think here, like there were definitely moments in our relationship.

Speaker 2 42:11

Yeah, there were definitely moments in the relationship where I felt like Things were too heavy for me. I could bring them to you and I can express them to you, but the heaviness didn't change to you and I can express them to you but the heaviness didn't change Like, and it's not because you didn't care, you just couldn't. You know sometimes like, yes, you might want a lot of more help with the kids. If you're a stay at home mom, you want to be able, for when you know your partner comes home, you can just give the kids push them.

Speaker 2 42:35

But sometimes that's not the case, like on Mondays, I know, because you have clients and you have your meeting, and even though I get home at four and I am ready to pass off the kids, we don't have a nanny. He's not out till five and that hour on Mondays is always the hardest hour of the week.

Speaker 1 42:50

I can imagine I hate you during that hour.

Speaker 2 42:53

Yeah, I can imagine I hate you. I hear you laughing oh that sucks when you're in your book meetings and you're having like a good time and laughing, and like I'm over here wiping butts and you know like I'll be pissed, I'll be mad, I'll be jealous, I feel all of those things. But I think like for me, I just kind of allow myself to feel that in a moment, like it just kind of is what it is. But it's just something about your response when you come back. You know what I mean. Sometimes you're like babe, I know I'm supposed to take the kids right now, but I need like another hour. You know what I mean.

Speaker 2 43:22

Just like like I have to be okay with the fact that life's just gonna be ghetto for me, sometimes like it's parenthood no, I don't think anybody has it easy and I think in certain instances things might feel like they're easier for the other person. But like if I go off on him because I am upset and jealous, because I don't have maybe the freedom to do the hobbies that I want to do, or maybe like I'm sick and tired of smelling butt all day. You know what I mean. Just like different things endless cheek smells man yo, and it's not.

Speaker 2 43:54

They don't smell good, no more after some time, after about four or five maybe like eight months after eight months when the poop start changing and they start eating real food. It's just wild.

Speaker 2 44:04

But anyway, I think at that moment I have to acknowledge that, like me, being upset isn't because he's not doing enough um or whatever it's, it's a me thing. You know what I mean and I think that's where the happy medium comes from. Like half of it is. Maybe your partner could be doing a little bit more acknowledgement or meeting you where you are understanding where you are. But we also have to acknowledge where our stuff kind of fuels a lot of those negative emotions not saying that it just has to be bold.

Speaker 2 44:35

Yeah, I mean, I don't know I don't think.

Speaker 1 44:37

I don't think you're wrong, I just it's hard to hear I think it is hard to hear, but I think it's hard for people to execute.

Speaker 1 44:43

But if this what you want, this is the price that it costs I think emotional intelligence is on a spectrum and it's a vast spectrum, yeah, and I don't think we really pay enough homage to how, how wide it is, from the lowest point to, like, the highest point, and that we fall in different places on that scale, in different places in our lives. Your emotional intelligence and your romantic relationship may not mirror your emotional intelligence as a toddler parent, which is way different than your emotional intelligence as a teenage parent. It's, it's it's different, different. A teenager's parent, rather teenage Teenage parent, is different. That's 15 with a baby.

Speaker 2 45:24

That's a tough break. That's a whole other conversation.

Speaker 1 45:29

But yeah, I feel like it's tough right?

Speaker 2 45:32

How can I?

Speaker 1 45:32

say this yeah, because there's a lot going on.

Speaker 2 45:34

Why don't you say it and then clean it?

Speaker 1 45:35

up Because people, because folks be in relationships with people who really don't care, like they don't. They don't care or they've given up on the relationship, but they don't have the courage to say let's uncouple, because either it's too much to lose or they don't know how to not be together anymore. So I get that part too. I just I'm trying to say something that's general enough to be helpful but specific enough not to be like can I offer something yeah, and you take.

Appreciating Efforts in Relationships

Speaker 2 46:03

Take what works and throw away what doesn't. I like to think about things in practical examples. Like I'm not and this is no shade to you or anybody like I'm not a professional speaker. Like I, I like to speak how would that be shade to me?

Speaker 2 46:17

well where I'm about to go and it's just like I like to. I'm not somebody that really enjoys like I wouldn't read a self-help book to like practice it. You know what I mean. It would be more of a how can I apply these to my practical life? So, like with this, I would look at like what's something practical that you can do to see if you're even in a place to take this next step in your relationship, and like what would be helpful for me would be like write down the things you want to be acknowledged for but make your partner do the same thing. Like you can't do this on an Island, you can't do this by yourself. You can have all the best intentions, but if you don't, if you don't have the climate in your relationship for this to actually work, it's not going to work. It's going to feel like it's going to be a waste of time and you may feel even more invalidated than you do now.

Speaker 2 47:03

And I think, starting with the hey are there, is there anything that you like me to notice or thank you more for?

Speaker 2 47:10

And just starting with that conversation and then hearing those things and you said this in one of the many viral videos that you had was not many like talk about it or pose the question, but talk about it later. You know what I mean. Give yourself time to think about. Like you know, maybe there was something that happened last week and instead of going off on your partner, this is a perfect opportunity for you to just bring it up, like instead of saying you know, you made me pick up the kids every single day. Last week you told me you was going to versus. Like I really like it. When you realize that things are really heavy for me and you offer to pick up the kids, like tone and how you say things matter, and I think those are basically addressing the same need, but going to your partner in a different way that doesn't feel combative, that doesn't feel aggressive, that doesn't put them in a position to be defensive. I mean, they could be defensive anyway, but I think it's a much easier way to kind of bring that up.

Speaker 1 48:07

Does that make sense? Yeah, it makes sense. It makes sense. And if you are in a place where you don't feel like you can not be combative, or if you hear that you're combative and you don't really, you don't pick up on that. That's not the way that you feel, you don't see that in yourself as it's happening, that's OK. I think that before you get to a step of saying like, this is what I need from my partner, this is what I need from you partner, I think it'd be a really good idea to go internal and start thinking about what you want to hear versus how you want to feel. You want to hear versus how you want to feel, because sometimes you can say, well, I want you to do these things, but it's not going to really change the way that you feel. And I'll tell you when someone hears that I need you to do these things in order for me to feel this way, and then they do it and there's no change in your behavior. It's going to cause tension in your relationship.

Speaker 2 48:59

Because now you're vulnerable. You didn't get what you wanted.

Speaker 1 49:07

Now you feel some type of way. Now it's like man and on the other side it feels like now it's never enough. It's never enough. You said this is what you wanted, and now I'm doing it, and you still have an attitude, you still feel overwhelmed and now I'm starting to feel hopeless. That's a dynamic that I see a lot of the time.

Speaker 1 49:19

So, like, really really think about how, how you would like to feel, before you think about what you want them to do. There's this thing all the time when we're working with people who have issues with like forgiveness or something bad has happened between you and another person and you want that acknowledgement and you, you, you really not fiending, but you, this is the thing that is really a blockage between you and some real healing. Like I need them to say sorry and acknowledge the thing. I need them to do it. And then, when they do it, you realize that you don't feel better and you've been spending all these years just cycling in your mind they better apologize, they better do this thing, they better give me the recognition. Ten years later they do it and it doesn't change anything in the way that you feel. That is a deflating feeling.

Speaker 1 50:09

So, in order to prevent that, in this little relational scenario we're talking about, take some time and think how do I want to feel? Do I want to feel seen? Seen? That sounds too whimsical, that's stupid. I don't want to feel seen. I want to feel appreciated. I feel appreciated for what? Do I want to feel appreciated for what I do in the house? Don't want to feel appreciated for who I am? Don't want to feel appreciated for how I change? The answer might be all of those things, but that's a lot to require somebody to give you at once.

Speaker 1 50:39

I think a good thought pattern is A perhaps I'm asking for too much. I think it's okay to think that sometimes, perhaps I'm asking for too much out of this person right now. But think about how you want to feel, and I think that's a really good start to put in your thoughts on paper or just getting your thoughts somewhere outside of your mind, seeing them maybe somewhere, reading them, reflecting on them, and then it gives you a better compass in which to walk towards, because how I'm going to help you if you don't really know how you need help and you're the person that's experiencing the big emotions? I can't figure it out for both you and me. So I think that's some of the work we gotta do ourselves sometimes. You just something like babe, you've been working real hard lately. Thank you so much. I remember you grabbed sydney one time and you you had emory and syd. Y'all hugged me at the same time. I was like thank you for the house, and I don't even see it.

Speaker 2 51:31

as this is a house I built for y'all, I see it as a thing we got together.

Speaker 1 51:34

But you're like thank you for this house. Sometimes you be like babe, thank you for this life, like it could be it's. I appreciate it, but like a billion of those does don't matter as much as just one of those words from you wow, I didn't know that, yeah it means so much.

Speaker 1 51:56

So when you like it's hard, like sometimes I do want to quit, man, really talk to a content creator like you think you want to do this, go follow Raven Alisa's podcast. She keeps it up. She keeps it a bill. Knowing that my efforts and the things that I do in the office with the door lock, and things that touch so many parts of our lives that you don't see it as oh, you the man you supposed to be doing this, that's just. It gives me a little bit of extra pep in my step and it helps me push through. And sometimes I want to say, man, all this.

Speaker 2 52:28

I know we talked about like invisible loads and everything like that. But for you know, people who are the primary breadwinners of the family especially, stereotypically, men and husbands like people don't talk enough about, like that pressure. They think that just because you're at work and you're not dealing with the kids, that like you're not doing not, not, not that you're not doing anything, but like making the money isn't as hard as rearing the kids man.

Speaker 1 52:56

One time I came back from a speaking engagement and for some reason, every time I speak I'm down I'm dog tired after people out talked out man, because afterwards I meet with everybody.

Speaker 1 53:06

I stayed into the last person, leaving shaking hands. I'm talking to folks, I'm hearing life stories, like it's a whole thing. And you were like and I came home and you ain't even shoved the kids in my face. You said baby, go spend some alone time. I know you're tired, man. Well, you're not easy. It could be for you, but I've been with these kids all weekend. You ain't do nothing but you on the plane, then you went to some speaking event. Then you came back. You didn't, do you?

Speaker 1 53:28

got to sleep last night oh, man, you acknowledge the fact that my work is work.

Speaker 2 53:33

Man, I I appreciate that thank you for saying that means a lot. Yeah, that means, I don't think you understand, how much that means if it was, I didn't know how much it meant to you, but I will continue, continue to do that.

Speaker 1 53:47

It means the world to me, man, yes, yes. What about you?

Speaker 2 53:54

For me. Well, let me speak to that really quick. I think that I really noticed being at home, like ever since I quit and, like Kira and I are in, we're together a lot without the kids while the kids are at school. We may not necessarily communicate but, like I have a very clear view of what your day-to-day looks like. I also handle his calendar, so I actually know everything that he's doing. I know when everything is due, I know how long the meetings are.

Speaker 2 54:21

We used to take notes. I know everything that's going on and even though those are things that excite me and that I kind of like wish I was doing, I can't imagine doing that and the responsibility of making sure the mortgage is paid and the responsibility of making sure that tuition payment is there and making sure, like just the money conversation alone would stress me the F out. So I think that me kind of being home and seeing it firsthand and seeing how it affects you, like I can visibly see how it's different, like especially when I'm so happy and it's like I have my dream, like I don't have to work, I don't have to do those things, and when you see those two very different emotional responses to the same thing like you. Can't help but notice it.

Speaker 2 55:05

You can't help but notice the shifts. But I do notice, like when we do little special things for you, how much better you feel, or when I do kind of go out of my way to make sure that you have time, how much better that makes you feel. And selfishly I do that for us too, because when he gets that alone time, when he gets that breathing room, when he gets that freedom, he comes back tenfold for us. I feel like it's cyclical, like back tenfold for us, I feel like it's cyclical.

Speaker 2 55:29

That's why I do it. I see the benefit of doing it, but it also took time. You know what I mean? It took time. It took you actually saying those things out loud. I've never heard you express it the way that you have now, but you have said things to the tune of that, which is why I do it, and I think for me, the moments that I really feel validated and important in a relationship is it is that stay at home mom conversation. I've had many conversations with people asking me it's just like oh, you don't have to be a lawyer anymore, your life must be so easy. What do you do? Just drive the kids to school and like, oh my God, that's the most invalidating.

Speaker 1 56:03

Yeah, that's crazy.

Supporting Each Other's Breaks

Speaker 2 56:04

What I'm doing now is 10 times harder than the bar, 10 times harder than law school, even 10 times harder than working in the classroom. I used to be an elementary school teacher. Those kids go home, they go home and I hop in my car and I go to happy hour with my friends and I don't got to think about them anymore until the next morning, especially if your lesson plan is already done. You know what I mean. Like it doesn't carry over in the same way as a stay at home. Mom, mom, there are no on and off hours. It's not like I clock in. You know when I clock in when I hear mommy as I said, he wakes up mommy every day.

Speaker 2 56:41

It really just depends on no. She goes to boat. Whoever doesn't come fast enough, she goes on to the next. But I am to this day. Our kids will walk past here and ask me for like I could wake up at noon, come downstairs and be like Mommy. Can I have a snack? Your father is right there.

Speaker 1 56:59

I've been up with you since 630. Like, what are we talking?

Speaker 2 57:03

about.

Speaker 1 57:03

Speaking to me. Why are you even the craziest work of all time?

Speaker 2 57:09

and like people don't always look at stay-at-home moms, especially moms whose kids are at school. They're like what are you doing all day as a job? And it's like here will always be like no, babe, like take some time. And it's like but you went to sleep, you woke up at 6 30 am with me, like you're probably more tired because you have a meeting at noon. But he kind of looks at it like I might have this meeting at noon but she's gonna be with these kids all day. So this 30 minutes, this hour, this two hours, this break that she can get, is worth it and it's so helpful to have somebody who recognizes those things, even though it's not the same. The kids aren't the same with you as they are with me. You can chill with them on the couch and watch a movie. I have never chilled on the couch and watch a movie with the kids.

Speaker 1 57:53

Nah, they don't do that for me. That was my time, yeah, but either way either way, like it's still different.

Speaker 2 57:59

It's very, it's very different. I can't multitask with the kids. I can't. Like it has to be a hundred percent attention with them all the time and I just feel like it's different expectations with them and just you acknowledging that you not competing with that because technically, you stay at home too. You know what I mean. You stay at home too. I do content as well. You know what I mean. Like we're kind of leaning into a lot of like the same kinds of roles, but that unspoken acknowledgement of both of us needing a break. It's not even the work that we do, it's the deserving of rest and I think that's that's the key. That's the biggest thank you that you've given me.

Speaker 2 58:39

Um, that has meant the most to me in our relationship the biggest thing is the rest, because sometimes I'll be in my room, I'll be up and I hear the kids, I hear the commotion and sometimes I have to stop or I'll leave. And he'll be like what are you doing? Like why are you here? Go back to them they're good, we don't.

Speaker 1 58:56

We don't both have to suffer we don't both have to suffer.

Speaker 2 59:00

I'll take this one please, yeah, please, I'll take this one you give me. You know, whenever, whenever care needs to go. What was? It was one night. You was with the kids all day. You're like, babe, I have to go. I'm out.

Speaker 1 59:09

I gotta go. Are you good days in a row? Are you good? And I was like I took the bama to the museum. It was a whole thing we called public transportation. It was crazy. Yeah, you, it's um, but you didn't even say that.

Speaker 2 59:20

He was like, he's like, babe, I need a second, and I think that was like seven o'clock and I called him around like 11. I was like, hey, you alive, you all right, you don't need to rush home. I just, you know, I didn't hear, I haven't heard from you a couple hours. We'll make sure you good, did you? Did you run away?

Speaker 1 59:35

no, I didn't go off on no permanently.

Speaker 2 59:37

That's not what no, no, but like why does it have to be that? You know?

Speaker 1 59:41

I mean like why, if you're gone for a couple hours, you're gone for a couple hours, it's fine yeah, I think we we built a space where that can be a thing, just by saying, all right, this thing may not be hard for me, but it may be hard for you and I don't know, I don't like that it's not hard. I mean I don't like that it's hard for you and that we can't get it done, but I'm gonna give it some space to exist in our relationship without judgment yeah, we can't both be miserable yeah, I'm telling you, man, and that's key, we can't both be miserable.

Speaker 2 1:00:07

Yeah, I'm telling you, man, that's key. We can't both be miserable. That's the tagline.

Reflecting on Takeaways From Conversation

Speaker 1 1:00:10

Okay, it's like an action movie. When we both running through the woods and one of us fall and you try to come back for me, I'm like no, save yourself. You better save yourself and run. Let me get attacked by the monster. I'll slow him down for a little bit. I'm really interested to know what you all took away from today's conversation. In the comments below, tell me just one little thing. You took away either an aha moment, something that stuck out to you, something that you disagreed with, something that just rubbed you the wrong way or rubbed you the right way in a very consensual way.

Speaker 1 1:00:44

Make sure you hit the notification.

Speaker 2 1:00:45

It's 2025, duh, it's you right, you right, you did it right, you did it right. You got you right, you did it right, you did it right you got it, you better do it right you did it right. You better do it right?

Speaker 1 1:00:53

um, if notification button to know of all of the stuff is the stuffs and also the follow button or whatever that button is on YouTube, because all the social media platforms have too many goddamn terminologies, yeah, we'll put all the links to them. Yeah, so do the thing and then make the thing. Do the thing so that we can know that you did the thing and the thing could be done. Until next time.