Parenting Struggles and Tangents

Speaker 1 0:00

up in this joint today. Say what it do. Say what it do if somebody happy to be back. If this is your first time here, welcome. Make sure you go back and look at all our old episodes. Also, make sure you tune in on spotify or wherever you stream your podcast. Why did I struggle with that? But if you are a group of people that we affectionately refer to as the repeat offenders when she started touching her face you know I'm cooking on this intro bring that in.

Speaker 2 0:32

Bring that in look how long your arm is. Are you using a?

Speaker 1 0:37

new body wash, is that what?

Speaker 2 0:39

that is, it's a natural essence and a natural deodorants.

Speaker 1 0:45

They work, man, we've been on when they work, they work.

Speaker 2 0:47

You just got to get to a place where they start working, because when they don't work, they don't work I thought maybe it's also a brand thing.

Speaker 1 0:54

I thought I thought the funk would but you, I think, also.

Speaker 2 0:59

It's just your body has to rid itself like once. I feel like natural deodorant. It took a while, but I had to continue to use it so that my body can get used to it. I think no, like I'm serious why is that funny?

Speaker 1 1:11

this is a wild intro going nah baby, nah baby, kick your piece of artisanal, come on, see, see you making fun of me like for the past man.

Speaker 2 1:24

Whatever, let's do this damn vlog. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 1:27

I've been making fun of you, babe.

Speaker 2 1:28

Yeah, you've been having fun, just little things that I like just laughing at. Like me, not like I did something funny, but it's like who I am is funny to you. Like I don't get the joke. That's why. That's why you can't control your life.

Speaker 1 1:50

No, it's just a funny perspective to me. It's you funny, you say funny, you funny. And you unintentionally funny, like you'll make a joke and then be like oh yeah, I get that, but you'll say something that's on the top of your mind that you think is just a total, like normal stream of consciousness, and it just be hilarious. It's not who you are, it's your approach to life you're just weird and it it amuses me oh, that's what you think.

Speaker 2 2:19

I'm saying yes you're weird and I'm amused by it. Do that weird thing you do again. You don't really think like that, do you? Nobody thinks like that.

Speaker 1 2:26

Okay. Okay, I see how you could take it that way. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make fun of you, babe.

Speaker 2 2:34

Maybe you've been making fun of me for 10 years. What Nothing new. It's just been especially strong and pungent this week. So you a hostage now I mean baby, like that's just, that's just what comes with the relationships, like I'm just making you aware, but you've been doing this since we've been together we're making fun of you.

Speaker 1 2:53

Yeah, you want me to stop?

Speaker 2 2:54

no, but I just, I'm just telling you it's, it's real, it's real rough this week. Let's tone it down a little bit, all right let me, let me pull my claws in it's okay, we don't have much interaction with people it's just gonna happen.

Speaker 1 3:06

I wasn't aware. Um, yeah, I'm gonna be easy on you and today we're being easy. Damn, made me feel like a bully it just got way deeper than all he does is attack me, oh man oh yeah, I did laugh at the uh the little plug, the plug I laughed at the plug because it was such a funny invention.

Speaker 2 3:29

I wasn't laughing at you but you were laughing at me, forgetting it. He was like you got it from tiktok shop, oh, like you got that on purpose. Like that's just that's just a wild thing to get in my mind.

Speaker 1 3:41

It makes complete sense, like I think it makes complete sense too. I just never, see, this is tough because, like real talk, I I completely see how she can acknowledge that, but, like I also know my wife and I'll say something, sometimes she's like oh, so you like?

Speaker 2 4:00

you think.

Speaker 1 4:01

You think I'm a bitch or something like wait what, but you get no care because you think I'm sarcastic, you think I'm a bitch or something like wait what, but you get no care because you think I'm a punk. It's like no, not at all.

Speaker 2 4:09

No, that's what you think I didn't. I have never said that in those exact words I'm just trying to think of the scenario in which that was said and I I don't see it, I can't pull it from my, my memory nah your version that it'd be different.

Speaker 1 4:23

It'd be like um, I'll do something, like I'll uh I'll do like this and you'd be like don't do that, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 4:30

You said are you, are you sorry?

Speaker 1 4:32

like, yeah, I didn't know that that would make you feel that way, or he'll tickle me.

Speaker 2 4:35

Kira has known from the dawn of time that I don't like being tickled. And like he'll like, like, like, do this and and then like he'll also like, just tickle me. I think it's on purpose, like, how am I supposed to know when you joking? When it's on purpose, if you know I'm tickled? It's like oh, I was just touching your arms.

Speaker 1 4:54

You're doing a lot right now with the touching my pit, cause you know I'm not ticklish but, I'm ticklish adjacent.

Speaker 2 5:01

But even with you being ticklish adjacent, I would never touch you there.

Speaker 1 5:04

You don't, but you do Let my feet be out and the way me nose. Don't touch my feet, dog.

Speaker 2 5:12

Like I don't like that. That's my get back for you tickling me.

Speaker 1 5:14

Me tickling. You is my get back for you touching my feet.

Speaker 2 5:16

Do you know the reason why I don't like being tickled for real?

Speaker 1 5:26

Because it's going to make you pee yourself. Yes, and that is sheer embarrassment. Why you want to embarrass me? My bladder is weak. When's the last time I tickled you on purpose, because sometimes I do get close, like I'll do something.

Speaker 2 5:30

You never tickle me on purpose anymore, but I'm just, you know I'm it's it's too close to my pits. Let's get started on this conversation. Listen, I'm getting myself in the mood for this talk because it's a serious talk, so I gotta get all my giggles out, the few that I have today. Baby girls is in a mood and we had to do some damage control, but we're good now. At least for now we can see if we get another call from the school what were we?

Speaker 1 5:58

what two in the last hour?

Speaker 2 6:01

crazy business being a parent okay, let's just do one more tangent and then let's move on. How many times do you think she made it to the nurse in april?

Speaker 1 6:12

there has to be an emory gaines wing of the nurse's office. Like we get these emails every time she goes to the nurse's office. We get a little alert and as soon as I see it bling, I know no, amy does the same thing, I do. What is it now?

Speaker 2 6:29

yeah and so and we always think it's emory. I remember it was like twice it was sydney.

Speaker 1 6:33

It's like, wow, sydney but you know what, though? I used to get so annoyed as a teacher because, you know, before you have kids, you have all these ideas of what you would and what you do. I used to be so judgmental of parents who can't who, when I worked at school, something be wrong with their kid and they come in what's wrong with you? Now I took off work for this. I'm like, oh my god, you don't care about your child. You savage beast. How dare you not coddle your precious baby and tell them I love you, everything's gonna be all right I didn't understand that when the nurse calls your phone from the school, it's it is it.

Speaker 1 7:12

You get enraged. It's this mix of enraged and disappointed and hopeless.

Speaker 2 7:18

It's like this trifecta for me I have the school nurses private line saved as a number, like it's not even like the school name is the nurse, because I and then you don't want to not take it seriously, because sometimes it is like this broke her leg, like last year and then rebroke the joint again. Yeah, but it's and then almost broke her arm a couple weeks ago oh my god, oh yeah, let me tell y'all.

Parenting Styles and Discipline Discussion

Speaker 1 7:44

So if you're watching on youtube, you might see people walk past. Uh, we're having the house cleaned today and you might hear her she'd be, yeah, she'd be getting busy, so you might, if you might hear vacuum or something, but uh, you know, never mind now all right, let's get started.

Speaker 2 7:59

We're gonna do a parenting q a um. These are some things that Kira and I have been talking about for a while, and we did plan on talking about them first. Do you want to just flesh it out on the podcast?

Speaker 1 8:13

Yeah, no, let's just, let's just talk through it.

Speaker 2 8:15

Okay, so the first question that we have here is how do you navigate differences in our parenting styles, particularly when it comes to discipline and reward.

Speaker 1 8:26

Oh, so Noemi and I, we have these little powwows, and a lot of our powwows lately have been around parenting. She and I don't have the same parenting style, we don't really go about it in the same way, but it doesn't really cause a great deal of conflict in our relationship, at least not right now. Um, but we were just asking each other questions to figure out where we are. Sometimes I talk to her and be like man. I feel like I'm not doing a good job as a father. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I feel like this is too much and she'll look at me and say same, all right, so it's not just me.

Speaker 1 9:05

But we so busy in the day to day and just trying to maintain our own lives and sanity that we don't really check in on each other as far as where we are as parents it's just kind of like this is a part of the job. You do your job I do my job.

Speaker 2 9:13

We fall into place. We fall in line.

Speaker 1 9:15

Yeah, we fall in line but that we don't always check in so when we? Check in. I'm usually surprised that we're in such similar but very different places in our individual parenthood.

Speaker 2 9:28

We don't do. I don't think we do consistent like parenting check-ins. Like, I think, because we work so well together, it's kind of like when you're at work and you have a colleague and there's like synergy and y'all just they pick up where you leave off and it just kind of works. It's like that's kind of where we are, but I think it's different because we're raising children and I think when conflicts, like I think a perfect example is like when Emery's tummy hurts, so like there's something like are we going to be the kind of parents that are going to tell her to push through because we know it's because she misses us, or is it going to be? Are we going to be those parents that are going to take her to the er or the urgent care every time that she complains about something?

Speaker 1 10:08

and some yeah, and sometimes we're not the same. A good example is when she hurts herself yeah, she wants an ice pack and for a long time I was super no, like nah, you don't need an ice pack, you're okay. And noemi's mindset sometimes is more like what's an ice pack?

Speaker 2 10:24

when I hurt it, it makes her feel better and you know my thinking around.

Speaker 1 10:28

That is very different what that does versus what noemi thinks it does. We're thinking in two different tenses. I'm thinking future, she's thinking present it's just.

Speaker 2 10:36

It's a great example.

Speaker 1 10:37

Yeah it's not always the same and I know, even talking to my homies who co-parent or have a visceral relationship with their child's mom, no matter where they fall, or even my homies who are women and have those same relational dynamics, I find that they don't, sometimes they don't really think about my situation as co-parenting because we live in the same house.

Speaker 1 11:00

It's like, yeah, that's, we still got to figure out how to do that thing as one. So when we sit, we ask questions and we were having a conversation about where we at like, damn, we need to take this, the sit down, talk and kind of finish flushing through this conversation because we we have it periodically but um I always figure out something to make me want to go into it in more detail.

Speaker 2 11:21

Okay, we just don't be having the time yeah and the sit-down talk is something we do when we only have the time. Yeah, if we got a free two hours. We, we, we pod yeah, true, that is true and I love that about us. It keeps the pod like light but deep at the same time, like it's not like I. We don't take it so seriously. We do it for the love in the community and because our life is so serious y'all are in a house like y'all are in the kitchen with us, we in the crib.

Speaker 2 11:55

That's our, that's our actual kitchen. This is not like a model whatever. This is a pot. Right here there are dishes in the sink. We home like this for real yeah, we were talking about discipline.

Speaker 1 12:06

Um, we talked about gentle parenting and one of the things I said was that with gentle parenting it's really it's badly mischaracterized, because gentle parenting is not allowing your kids to walk all over you.

Speaker 1 12:20

Because we do, we do certainly do not believe in that it's not a lack of authority over your children, because we certainly don't believe in that. But gentle parenting, in my mind, is parenting your whole child, away from shame and guilt. It's allowing them to feel those feelings so that they have experience with them, so that they know how to regulate their emotions through those feelings, not overly protecting them from those feelings, and become adults who can't process that at all, which represents a lot of us today, myself included.

Speaker 1 12:51

For a very long time, but in general, parenting is also using discipline as a tool and not a punishment. And and I, we, and it's the word, gentle, it throws people off because it makes you like. Okay, hon, breathe into a pillow sack, like sometimes. I told you to do something and I need you to do it. Don't talk back. Do what I told you to do, because I told you to do it. I think that's a perfectly fine thing to say to a child that's this period at the end of the sentence the end.

Speaker 1 13:18

But also there needs to be some sense of reason and some sense of validation. If I'm, if I'm saying I'm parenting the whole person, I'm giving you equal parts of this family you got you gotta share a voice. You gotta say your opinion matters, your likes and dislikes matter. If I'm doing all of that, then I owe you some level of an explanation at some point you know, so it's just you know picking and choosing where those points are.

Speaker 1 13:41

So with discipline, I don't. I don't know. I think I gotta go back to my childhood. I got a question for you and I know you asked me a question how would you say you were disciplined? Because, compared to my friends, I probably got a whipping twice in my life. I've been grounded maybe two handfuls of times.

Speaker 2 14:00

You were a good kid.

Speaker 1 14:01

yeah, I ain't do much, um, but I also I I was an outside kid. My mom I'm outside at 8 o'clock, I'm coming back in 8 o'clock all day. I might come in to get some water she never knew where I was. I'm ripping and running, riding my bike, catching snakes, being bad. I don't have that same parenting style, I feel like, because my mom was very loose, I could do whatever I wanted. If I wanted to smoke cigarettes, I mean, I'm not going to say she wouldn't care. No-transcript. I don't necessarily want you to feel bad, but I want it's OK if you feel bad about that thing. I'm not going to jump in and save you from that necessarily, unless you're beating yourself up too hard. Yeah, I think you need to learn what it feels like to do something and feel bad and work your way through that emotionally with me guiding you. I can be a helicopter parent sometimes, if you think so, in my mind not compared to other people.

Speaker 2 15:20

But just in my mind, let's be careful with language, then. Like I don't, because I feel like it's always like a good or a bad thing, like either you're bad if you're a helicopter mom or a parent. What did you say? Yeah, I don't, yeah helicopter parent.

Speaker 1 15:33

And just for reference, moving through this episode, when we talk about different parenting styles, it's from a non-judgmental perch. If there's no good or bad, there's no. You're not a bad parent if you're a helicopter parent you're not a good parent if you're not a helicopter.

Speaker 1 15:47

You're not a good parent just because you gentle parent. Yeah, like, those things are mutually exclusive. So, just moving through the episode, just understand when we talk, we don't talk with a sense of judgment about those things. They just are. Yeah, they're not necessarily good or bad, but yeah, I think that's my discipline style. I'm big on time out. I don't pop, I don't hit, I don't give spankings. Sydney is two, so she doesn't really. She's just now starting to understand consequences. I don't believe in punishing kids that can't understand consequences. But Sydney, sometimes she'll hit, she'll scratch, you know she's a two-year-old.

Discipline and Parenting Styles

Speaker 1 16:21

She gets physical and what I do is I don't pop her hand, I hold her hands and I grab them, just to the point, just uncomfortable enough, and I get really close to her and we have a little conversation. But even talking about that, babe, it's so weird talking about the way you discipline your kids in front of the world, because people are so judgmental of other people who do things differently than them and have a different lived experience.

Speaker 2 16:52

True, I actually welcome the difference, because I I'm only here at one perspective, so if you think you could do it better than me, teach me. Nah, if you think you could do it better than me, come in and do it Well no because, but I mean in real life, like you ain't coming to my house, but like if, if, if you think that the way that I'm handling a specific situation is wrong or you would do it differently, tell me how you would do it and I'm always open to trying that are you literal right now?

Speaker 2 17:16

I'm being literal so if you hear what I, what I'm saying, you're like actually knowing me.

Speaker 1 17:21

Maybe you should try this, okay huh and I'll tell you exactly how it went well, what does this person have to know? You, are you down with the unsolicited? I?

Speaker 2 17:28

mean in the comments, like let's say, we talk about a situation, okay, okay, now I'm with you.

Speaker 1 17:32

Yeah, I thought you meant like unsolicited advice, somebody coming up and saying, nah, girl, that's what you need to do.

Speaker 2 17:36

No, no, I just mean in the comments don't, please, please, don't give other parents unsolicited advice, no, but I'm just saying I am opening it up to being vulnerable, to talking about about the way that I parent, to talk about the things that I do. I don't think that I'm perfect, but I do think I'm constantly trying. So even if you're if it's some hate cool, If you're going to say something I'm doing wrong, just make sure you follow up with some feedback on what I should do better. And if you don't, then it is what it is. But I know this came with a question in the beginning.

Speaker 2 18:07

Yeah, I don't like when people like judge parenting styles, because parenting is hard enough and I feel like a lot of like the loudest judgments that I've heard are from people who don't have kids yet or for people who have, like teenagers, and it's like I think that the toddler phase is such a unique phase they're like I don't ever want to remember this I don't want to remember this, I just want to move on to the next phase.

Speaker 1 18:33

Man Go ahead.

Speaker 2 18:35

Wait before I know you asked me a question that I never got a chance to answer but I don't remember what the question was.

Speaker 1 18:40

It's. How were you disciplined as a kid?

Speaker 2 18:43

Oh, okay, I think that I'm a lot more lenient on my kids than my parents were with me. I that I'm a lot more lenient on my kids than my parents were with me. I was raised very, very strict and I think when most people think of discipline, they think of like behavior management. So for me, discipline was structure. So when I say strict, it's like there was an organized structure of the way I was supposed to do things and expectations on how I was supposed to act okay and discipline for me was I was always, I was only disciplined when I veered off of what those expectations were for me.

Speaker 2 19:18

So like, for me it was expected for me to get A's and if I had to be, I had to explain like it wasn't like. You know, baby, do your best, your best is an A. So if you didn't do A, you didn't do your best. So why, why didn't you? So like I grew up having to be defensive of like well, you know, I got an 80 on this test and it was kind of difficult and I asked for extra help. Like I had to have like an explanation. I had to be like did you ask your teacher for extra credit? I have to do all of those things. So like it was very strict, um, academically and there were high expectations. And then for me, behaviorally, it was very much like I was that kid that sat at the table hands crossed, didn't speak, because I didn't want the teacher to tell my mom that I was like not behaving in class did I ever get spankings?

Speaker 2 20:06

I didn't know that oh yeah, it was very, very, very shit, like I was expecting this like elementary school all my life that's like I couldn't leave. I had to make my bed before I left. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 20:18

Like no dishes in the sink.

Speaker 2 20:20

I had to iron my clothes the night before, I had to hang my clothes the night before, like everything had to be structured, like if I woke up and my stuff wasn't organized, I got in trouble because my job is to do that the night before. So, like it was just very, you know, like this. But it's not like I had spankings. I didn't really get spankings, it was more of a like. My parents didn't scare me into doing these things. They told me that I wouldn't be successful in life if I didn't do those things.

Speaker 1 20:53

So it wasn't like a you're gonna get beaten if you don't do it. It was like you're gonna be homeless on the street. Do you want to be a bum? One of her cousins. One of her cousins asked her son when he started tripping do you want to be a bum? Do you want to be a bum?

Speaker 2 21:02

no, like that, that was me growing up. It was like I don't want to and like we would go to, like certain neighbors, like you want to live on the street. Like this, like it was very much like a reality that if I didn't make my bed, I will not have a job and be homeless but that still is fear in some ways. Well, it just wasn't like physical, like I wasn't like I was.

Speaker 2 21:23

I was afraid to go home because my parents will like lock me in my room and ground me and like when I got in trouble, my punishment was never physical punishment. It was always like I had to read a book and write a report on it. Oh God, that would be.

Parenting Styles and Values Transmission

Speaker 2 21:38

I take that If I got in trouble and it wasn't even a report that I sent to a teacher, it was a report that I had to write my parents would check it and ask me questions. There's a part of me that likes that. I think that it had a lot to do with how successful and how like well I kind of manage things in like corporate America, but it really didn't give me any room for creativity and I think, like with my kids, the reason why I say that I'm lenient is like I'm definitely still a stickler, like academically, but for me it's like I'd rather spend my energy and putting my kids in the best schools with the better resources, where they can have the academic support. But those schools are also like a lot of the times, play-based or Montessori like, where it's built into the system the academics and the creativity and emotional awareness is built into the system, so that it's built into the system the academics and the creativity and emotional awareness is built into the system, so that it's not all on me.

Speaker 2 22:32

And I feel like with my parents. We didn't grow up in the best neighborhoods, didn't go to the best school, so they had to do all of that stuff at home. Yes, so it's like you know, I I think that the value system is similar, but the way I enforce it is different. Like if he doesn't make her bed every day, I don't make my bed every day I'm not gonna make her you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 22:49

I'm not gonna put her on this like set of expectations that I can't even like get to myself, but we will work together to create a routine. How do we create a routine so that you can make your bed in the morning and you can pick your clothes out? But I look at it as this is a way for to make your life easier in the morning, versus mommy said you have to do it, so you have to do it and you don't really understand how it's helpful yet you know I used to hate this term.

Speaker 1 23:11

My mom used to say do as I say and not as I do, because I'm a person that you, you gotta model something for me to buy into it.

Speaker 2 23:19

Um yeah we've all heard that. Yeah, especially the millennials have definitely heard that it just it, it.

Speaker 1 23:26

It doesn't really work. It didn't work for me, but what's funny is I'm finding that that is a reasonable thing to say. Sometimes, because I don't have these habits that I'm trying to instill in you, and even though I know that looks weird, I'm asking you to do something that I'm not doing myself. I want you to be better. I want you to avoid this loop that I'm stuck in and trying to claw my way out of desperately. Better. I want you to avoid this loop that I'm stuck in and trying to claw my way out of desperately. I just recently had to come to terms with my you know. I got a weird relationship with that thing yeah, that's why I do it with E.

Speaker 2 23:56

So like, if I'm putting my clothes away, we put our clothes away together. Yeah, if, if let's say we're put, we're picking E's clothes for the week, we'll go together and pick out Sydney's clothes. So I try to make it more of a, even if it's something like do do as I say and not as I do, because I'm trying to be better, but we can figure it out together. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 24:16

That's kind of more.

Speaker 2 24:17

I like that caveat yeah because I think you can expect your kids to like wanting your kids to be better than you, especially when it comes to habits. I think that that's a natural and necessary thing for for parents If that's what they want to do. Sometimes that's that's that comes with, like the phrasing, but I think that if you make it like I said, a collaborative, collaborative effort with your kids and like I think that this habit is great for our family to have, so let's all figure it out, I like that that?

Speaker 1 24:48

yeah, ideally that does work in every situation.

Speaker 2 24:51

Of course, you're not going to be able to do that of course, of course not but ideally yeah, but that being an anchor that you strive for or like that's just the fundamental thing that you want to try to do in your family, and it applies to more situations than it doesn't yeah I think that's okay it's funny to me that we both we kind of move opposite of our upbringing yeah and I find that a lot with my friends.

Speaker 1 25:16

They move in the opposite direction than their upbringing. But if you ask them if you would change anything about your upbringing, sometimes a lot of times they say no I just I find that to be a little interesting rewards can I speak to that really quick before we move on to rewards.

Speaker 2 25:29

I think a lot of that is circumstance.

Speaker 1 25:31

What you mean.

Speaker 2 25:32

Like I feel like if I was in the financial situation, if I was an immigrant, if I was in my parents' situation, I would do the same thing that they did, but I'm not in that situation, yeah man and I think that's what makes it different. The values are the same, but the way that you apply those values depends on things like socioeconomic factors, depends on capacity, depends on emotional and mental wellness, depends on whatever else you got going on in your in your life depends on the personality and character of your child.

Speaker 1 26:02

Your child is a different child than you were and we're talking about emory.

Speaker 2 26:06

I don't know that this will work with Sydney we're not there yet but this is all very catered to, like you said, our personality and the personality of our child. We have more experience with Emery. She is more developed as a child than Sydney is. She listens, she responds, rewards and consequences work differently for an almost seven-year-old versus somebody who just turned two a couple months ago. Like she is still very much a baby.

Rewards and Discipline in Childhood

Speaker 2 26:36

They got different personalities just because she can talk does not mean she know what she's talking about all the time rewards are something that I'm kind of learning from you.

Speaker 1 26:45

I didn't really have rewards growing up I can't really remember that much of my childhood explicitly enough to remember why things were the way they were. I know a lot of stuff was resource-based but there was no whether you did good or bad, like there was no reward. There was nothing to work towards.

Speaker 2 27:02

Nothing ever really changed did you ever get in trouble, though, like?

Speaker 1 27:05

let's go ever no.

Speaker 2 27:06

But like, let's say, you did something that she told you not. Like, have you ever done something that she told you not to do? Have you ever gotten to an argument like got in trouble? Like what does that look like?

Speaker 1 27:16

me and my mom didn't clash when I was younger, but we clashed when I became a teenager well, yeah, yeah, I mean, everybody clashes with their parents and big time, but never, when you were younger nothing significant that I can remember? Yeah, nothing especially nothing before the seventh grade.

Speaker 2 27:30

But you do remember there were no rewards at that age. Nah, not really Okay.

Speaker 1 27:34

Nah, not really Like. And there were no severe punishments either. It was very like go with the flow.

Speaker 2 27:40

You never were grounded.

Speaker 1 27:41

Man kind of.

Speaker 1 27:42

I remember one time I was riding my bike somewhere and me and my friend, we were somewhere we weren't supposed to be. It's right before middle school and the police came. And the police was like what are y'all doing here? It's like, man, we just chilling. They put us in the back. It's like, nah, man, we taking y'all home. I was supposed to be home before the streetlights came on. Streetlights came on like four hours ago. I was in the mix. Then we started exploring. Man, my mom is waiting outside the door, her arms fold outside the project building and the police car pulls up and I'm in the back of that train.

Speaker 2 28:16

I'm like damn you saw her, she was waiting, saw her she was 10 feet away from me when we pulled up.

Speaker 1 28:22

I was like damn, i'ma never hit the end of this. My mom wasn't like a beater.

Speaker 2 28:27

What did she say?

Speaker 1 28:28

She just complained she would just and don't stop. I don't remember what she did, but I wasn't even really grounded for real, like I probably couldn't go outside for two days. It was just never. I would have been shipped to Haiti. Never seen me again, but you know what I wish I had more structure, because it would have given me more discipline yeah but because I didn't have any structure, I learned to be crazy self-reliant at an early age, and I also. I learned how to be creative and move on my feet.

Speaker 2 28:58

You have to figure things out on your own, and you had to figure them out fast because you know mom ain't watching over you.

Speaker 1 29:04

You and somebody else neighborhood. These dudes don't like you and you got to take two buses back home and everybody want to fight.

Speaker 2 29:10

What you going to do.

Speaker 1 29:12

So, yeah, that's the thing about the discipline, but with the oh no, I'm sorry, we're on rewards. Yeah nothing ever changed. So I don't. I kind of morphed into an adult in some ways who struggles with tasks that I don't feel some type of personal sense of validation from. I'm probably not going to do it. Like if I don't enjoy doing it, I'm not going to do it because I don't reach toward a reward. The process of doing the thing is my reward.

Speaker 2 29:40

That makes you make so much more sense.

Speaker 1 29:44

I don't care about rewards.

Speaker 2 29:46

I need rewards, everything was. I remember being a kid and this rule didn't last long because I crushed it, but it was like I can get a toy for every A that I got, or I don't think it was every A, it was every time I hit honor roll. So I had the opportunity to get like four it was four quarters, I think and at the end of the quarter there was an honor roll ceremony. There was like first honors, which was all A's, second honors, which were A's and B's, and then honorable mentions were people who made like significant strides, like maybe they didn't reach honor roll, but they brought their grade from like a C to an A. You know something like that. But I think it only lasted two years because I ended up getting on first honors every year. So it was just like we were constantly at Toys R Us. I don't think Toys R Us exists anymore, does it?

Speaker 1 30:37

No, it's not.

Speaker 2 30:37

But Toys R Us was like my jam and I think the first year they didn't put a price limit, so I wanted a bike and at the time bikes were expensive. I mean bikes are still expensive, but that was my whole life like. It was always like if you get all a's, you can get this, if you get all a's, you can get that. And I was like okay that's what I gotta do.

Speaker 2 30:57

I'm gonna bang out these a's so like I don't do well with tasks where there isn't a reward, like I. If I don't get anything out of it, why am I doing it? And I'm realizing now, that's just the way my brain is processed. It's very hard for me to just do something for the sake of doing it, like nobody going to see it, nobody going to read it, nobody going to tell me how great it is, nobody's going to give me no feedback. Like I have to live up. Like you're used to living on an island. I'm not. I I need constant like maybe not validation. Validation is too big of a word.

Speaker 1 31:30

Like feedback. Feedback yeah.

Speaker 2 31:32

I just I need to be reminded of my why Like, why am I even doing this?

Speaker 1 31:37

Huh.

Speaker 2 31:37

I don't do anything mindless. I don't mindless. Video games mindless show Like everything is with such intention. It's so intense all the time yeah.

Speaker 1 31:47

Yeah.

Speaker 2 31:47

I'm just realizing now like is my brain like that, or is that the way I've been programmed?

Speaker 1 31:52

by my parents. Yes, it is your conditioning.

Speaker 2 31:55

This is the first time that I'm ever considering that that is really, who am I?

Parenting Perspectives on Rewards and Autonomy

Speaker 1 32:00

you know the hardest thing about being a therapist, as I saw this like five years ago and I thought that I thought you knew that. How the hell would I know? I thought you knew that who would tell me that? Yeah, your classic golden child, your classic golden child tell me more um, golden child. I can't remember everything, but I know golden child is used to being praised. The thing you don't have a golden child. When people don't praise golden, the golden child, sometimes the golden child wonders what's wrong with them. You don't have that.

Speaker 2 32:32

No, you don't I wonder why I don't have that it's because of your mom.

Speaker 1 32:36

It's, it's the way because your mom doesn't care about those things. She's a super confident woman and I think it just bled into you okay but I'm a golden child in some ways too, because I'm kind of the golden child of my family. I just, I don't care about accolades and stuff. I can't remember my type, I think it's. I can't remember.

Speaker 2 32:52

Is it like a personality quiz or something?

Speaker 1 32:54

No, it's it's just different types of different theories.

Speaker 2 32:56

It's golden child. Look it up Another theory. I think I'm like hyper, uh, like you already, so you're so independent, don't need no man you ain't nobody, don't need nobody, but we're a family. Now we, you do, we need each other. That's a constant fight in my brain, I know I don't.

Speaker 1 33:17

I know that I need y'all yeah, and it made me resent y'all for a long time because you felt like you needed us uh, putting me in a situation where I need somebody. I did a lot of work to not have to need nobody and now I got a family.

Speaker 2 33:28

It made me really resent y'all for a while, but I don't feel that way anymore I mean we're gonna love you through it, because I get it I get it I can't. I could. Maybe I know everybody has their stuff, but I couldn't imagine like removing my stuff and then picking up somebody else's stuff, like I you don't think you did that you think I, I did.

Speaker 1 33:48

I mean in a different way.

Speaker 2 33:49

yeah, you think I picked up your stuff.

Speaker 1 33:52

Baby, we married yes.

Speaker 2 33:53

Well, I just mean like my childhood. Yes, I don't think I made my point. What I'm basically saying is I couldn't imagine being in your situation, because I can't see myself outside of my stuff. Oh, that's what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what.

Speaker 1 34:09

Yeah that's not. That's not what I got from what you said at all, but yeah because I'm like I don't know how we got there from here. But okay, now I'd be the same way if some people I look at their life and I'm like damn, I can't imagine. Yeah, yeah, like putting that on yeah, that gotta be crazy.

Speaker 2 34:25

Yeah, that's crazy, that gotta be crazy.

Speaker 1 34:30

With the kids. Rewards though, yeah, one of the ways we differ this is different A lot of ways it's not, it's not such a big deal that I feel like like it needs to be.

Speaker 2 34:41

we gotta have a sit down conversation, it ain't?

Speaker 1 34:43

it ain't one of those but you've reward the children a lot more than I do. Yeah, of those, but, um, you've rewarded the children a lot more than I do. Yeah, um, and they, they've come to expect it. Now, like emory would be like yeah, daddy, and where's my treat? So what do you? What do you need?

Speaker 2 34:57

a treat for it's a treat on monday, tuesdays and thursdays that was.

Speaker 1 35:00

And see, like this is the laugh I do, and it's not making fun of that, it's just, it's just funny. Like that's the idea of someone getting a treat Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. And I don't fight it. I'm like all right, cool, what treat you want, and it depends on what she'll say. You're not eating ice cream at seven o'clock, big dog.

Speaker 2 35:21

No.

Speaker 1 35:21

Like that's not going to happen, but the treat is also like she has the autonomy.

Speaker 2 35:26

She knows that she can't get a treat late. She knows that she has the autonomy. She knows that she can't get a treat late. She knows that she has to organize her time because she can't get a treat before dinner. You know what I mean. The only time she can get a treat before dinner is like we're outside and ice cream truck comes.

Speaker 2 35:36

I'm not going to make her get ice cream, Let it melt. You know what I mean, but like some days on her treat day she doesn't get a treat because she waited too long and she didn't look at the time. Like I just feel, like I don't know, Like I know that the reward says I know that I reward the kids a lot, but I just, I'm just a girl, I'm just trying to figure it out.

Speaker 1 35:56

You're not being judged here, fam. I'm just a girl. You're not being judged, fam. It's just a difference of perspective, fam.

Speaker 2 36:12

But also like I just love the autonomy that it gives her, like she'll remember that it's monday, it's street day, or it's like if she wants something on wednesday, I'm like what's today, it's wednesday, don't get a treat today, wednesday, next day you can get a treat thursday you all right?

Speaker 1 36:15

yeah, you understand. Maybe it's the word treat that bothers me, because it just reminds me of like a puppy I get the way that he says treat too is just treat. I just I don't, I don't understand, I don't understand, but I don't just because I don't, I don't understand, I don't understand, but I don't. Just because I don't understand, that doesn't mean that she needs to clearly that works for her and it's something she enjoys. And I think it's my stuff.

Speaker 2 36:37

So, I don't fight it, but there are times it is extra, Like we don't have to do that. Like I don't have to give her a treat. I just like giving her treats.

Speaker 1 36:49

Like she. It makes her so happy. She's such a good kid. It's like why not? Nah, I, you know I get it, but I think that's again, it's reflective. Yeah, how we move. I have no reason why I do it.

Speaker 2 36:55

I just I, I don't mind stopping, I just I don't see why I should I don't think you, I don't think you could stop if you wanted to if we made a decision as a couple, like as parents, that like this isn't working for us, I would do it.

Speaker 1 37:09

Yeah, that'd be a ridiculous decision, but I'm also big on structure.

Speaker 2 37:12

So, like this works for me, because I found a way to build it into the structure and the expectations and the way that I'm trying to, like build Emery into a human.

Speaker 1 37:20

I just ask myself, like, do I care enough whether or not this child gets a treat? And then I think the thing that becomes more challenging and I think this we'll talk about this in a minute like moving down the road.

Speaker 1 37:33

I think this will become a bigger deal, though, as the kids get older like a bad thing, though not a bad thing, but I think it's going to be something that you and I gotta come to more of a middle ground. On a six-year-old asking for ice cream on a monday and that was that's really not that big of a deal, sometimes like an extra cookie. It don't take a lot for her. She's a really easy child to please.

Speaker 2 37:54

Usually, a treat is just dessert and I had dessert every day growing up.

Speaker 1 37:58

I never had dessert like that, so maybe that's where it's coming from.

Speaker 2 38:01

I had dessert every single day. We would eat dinner together every day. Every night. We would talk over dinner, talk about our days, and then we had a tv in the living room while my mom was putting the dishes away and everything. Me and my dad would eat ice cream before bed.

Speaker 1 38:16

It was every night. It was every single night, and then on weekends. How old were you when you were doing that?

Speaker 2 38:22

ease age.

Speaker 1 38:24

I can't remember that far back.

Speaker 2 38:25

Because I remember the house we were in and I lived there from kindergarten to seventh grade and then after seventh grade, that's when my parents separated, so like things were just weird, like family stuff was just weird, but like for kindergarten my earliest memory is kindergarten, so for kindergarten to seventh grade, doing that every night and then on weekends we still had ice cream because we was at the park. So we just go to the ice cream trucks at the park.

Speaker 1 38:56

Maybe that's why I like ice cream so much. Noemi is discovering herself who are you?

Speaker 2 38:58

you?

Speaker 1 38:58

you, if you could watch your life story, you'd make more sense to yourself. Yeah, if you could watch it from a completely objective perspective, you'll be able to put together so many little pieces emory right now reminds me so much of myself and my earliest memories of myself are kindergarten, first grade.

Speaker 2 39:12

So I think that, like subconsciously, I'm trying to mirror and those are the happiest parts of my childhood, with my parents together. You know what I mean. Like after seventh grade. I don't even remember seventh grade, I just know that's when they separated, but it's like my, my memories of my, my parents being together and us having like the cookie cutter, like TV family, like relationship, was like kindergarten to middle school. So I just think that like subconsciously, I'm just there with it because he reminds me so much of myself at that age.

Speaker 1 39:42

Yeah, I think that's another thing that I notice in our parenting journeys. That sometimes and you can correct me if I'm wrong you. You try to not try to, but you reach to recapture, like some of the best moments of your childhood and give them to the kids. And mine is different. I don't really remember my childhood, so I just like their. Their childhoods are totally separate than mine. I don't even see any intersectionality between them. I don't see my childhood and their childhood at all, and I'm fine with that.

Speaker 1 40:11

I think they live completely different lives. That's okay, but it's not. I'm not really trying to recapture or reimagine or reinstitute anything, so it feels almost like you you're pulling from something and I'm just catching from whatever falls yeah that's it.

Speaker 1 40:27

That's. Those are different parenthood philosophies. This is why I love this conversation, because when we see people talk about the span of their relationships and how a marriage falls apart or how a family falls apart, we always think it's some relational drama between the husband and the wife, something they did to each other. We don't really think about how all these small differences and these things that we have equal stock in deteriorate a relationship from underneath, like it eats the floor from under your relationship, like how would you know that unless you had that specific conversation?

Parenting Styles and Family Dynamics

Speaker 2 41:01

about upbringing. That's great. Keep talking. I'm gonna go grab the food. It sitting outside Like how would you ever?

Speaker 1 41:07

know that I just oh, I'm not used to damn, I'm not used to talking without Noemia. It feels so lost. But I think that's one of the best things about this man is to just make you reflective in another way, and not so much that my way is right. Again, the whole judgment thing ain't what we have to, or your way is wrong. I'm not trying to win the argument or anything of the sort. It's just where is your luggage, where is my luggage, and how can we fit all of this emotional baggage in the trunk so that we can drive it together like that's?

Speaker 2 41:46

that's that's where I'm at with it do you feel I got a question and then we can move on to the next question, but do you? Well, maybe this isn't, this isn't a question to answer on the sit down. Talk maybe me. You can just like talk about it more, because I'm more aware of the ties between my childhood and you know E specifically, I'm just switching chords, go ahead.

Speaker 2 42:10

Not really doing that with Sid, but with E, like I think we should talk about you know what we want discipline and a reward system to look like for her, Because I just remember this was the time where my parents really honed in on those response. Like the responsibilities and the tasks that I had to do in kindergarten are the ones that carried through. And I just feel like, if you and I don't have that conversation and kind of like backwards plan from, like what are the values we want to instill in her? And then how do we incorporate that into like discipline and a reward system? Now, I think that that's a conversation you and I need to have, maybe not right now, because I think it's a ongoing one. But what I don't want is for me to kind of like lead this whole way of living for her and then, three years later, it's a system and you're not really feeling it like. I want it to be a collaborative so that, like, we both are aligned with.

Speaker 1 43:15

You know how we want to do that I feel like it is and it will be. The. The stuff like the ice cream or the dessert stuff is really not that big of a deal it's a small disagreement and it doesn't hurt anything. It only blows me when she expects it, and it's clear that she does not deserve a treat today, um, or just the expectation of me, of me to parent the way that you do gotcha um, but she said that you don't.

Speaker 2 43:40

You said you don't give her candy no, she's like I give her candy but you be giving her like sunflower seeds, and you know what I mean. Like like you have your own version of things. Like she's not allowed to eat sunflower seeds in my car because I hate having a vacuum of the seeds and they don't eat like Ritz crackers in my car unless you give them to like.

Speaker 2 43:58

there's some things you can't do over here, cause I have a. I have an issue with cleaning up Ritz crackers crumbles on the ground and I just think that we, you know, we just got like you're more of a carefree kind of parent where they know that, like certain things, like mommy, mommy's sandwiches, are going to be cut in a certain way, it's going to be in a certain thing and if you drop it, that's your lunch now you're definitely more of the intentional parent.

Speaker 1 44:23

I think my intentionality is more so an emotional ground yep, yep, and that's where you shine, baby yeah. I'm more intentional there. That's where you shine. But I'm never going to be the aesthetic parent. I'm never going to order you bento boxes for your snacks. You can eat them out of plastic bags.

Speaker 2 44:38

Dog Nope, they're going to be bento boxes and they're going to be your colors, because the girls have their colors.

Speaker 1 44:42

You dry with whatever a towel exists they have specific colored towels. I have to ask emory every time which?

Speaker 2 44:48

one of you, you beige or purple.

Speaker 1 44:50

I cannot commit that to memory because those things aren't important to me and you know what? They'll never be important to me and they don't have to be. Yeah, I just I'm not gonna make you feel bad because they're important to you and I'm not gonna. Yeah, I'm not gonna yuck you young, but I'm also not gonna try to disrupt whatever it is because it's not familiar to me. It's not hurting anything, I don't. I don't need to protest the towels every day.

Speaker 2 45:15

It's, it's absolutely fine and and then on my end, I'm not married to those things like aesthetically, those are the things I would prefer. But it's not like you can't shower if the beige towel isn't clean I would never sometimes y'all both got the same towel, okay.

Speaker 1 45:28

Listen, hey, this is not a knock to anybody who does think that way, cause I think there's a place for that way of thinking but I would never marry you if you were that person.

Speaker 1 45:38

So one more thing that I wanted to talk about before we dip up out of here is the third kid man. Everybody we have two beautiful daughters. Sydney is kid man. Everybody we have two beautiful daughters. Sydney is two, emory is six. They are the loves of our lives, lights of our worlds, the wind beneath our wings. But everybody named mama, including her mama and her daddy, keep asking us when are we going to have not just a third child, but have a boy?

Speaker 2 46:01

have a son yeah, it's man.

Speaker 1 46:04

I wish we had more time, but I feel pressure um can I go.

Speaker 2 46:08

You want to go first? No, you kick yours first, I feel so much pressure from who I don't know everybody and nobody at the same time everybody on the internet when the third baby coming y'all need a boy.

Deciding on Having a Third Child

Speaker 2 46:20

So actually, no, it's not everybody else. I don't feel pressure from everybody else, but I just think that everybody else's opinions won't let the part of my brain that's trying to let it go die. That's what it is it's like. Do I want a third? Do I want a third kid? Okay, we're gonna be completely honest. Would I like to plan for a third kid? No, will I die if we miraculously got pregnant with the third kid? No, I would kind of be happy. But do I like consciously want to walk into that situation, knowing how difficult it's going? Like it does not make sense for someone making that decision? But because I have that little seed of like I mean, what if you do? And what if it's a boy? Or what if it's a little girl? Like that would be cute, y'all can handle it. And then you have people saying, yeah, why don't you? And then you're like, yeah, right, nah, nah, but maybe, like that's literally my brain every single day.

Speaker 2 47:19

So that's why I said the people around me won't, don't respect my decision and are not helping, helping me like push that decision forward the only person pushing that decision forward is you, so I got you versus 20 20 people over here and you in the middle, yeah I'm in the middle and then like, transparently, we've had like pregnancy, like scares, and it's like in that five minutes, all of the possibilities. You know we took a pregnancy test together. All of those possibilities came up. It's like all right, you kind of like prepping yourself for it, saying pregnant and you having to shift your life, and then it doesn't.

Speaker 1 47:57

You're like oh, yeah, okay, I really got the heebie jeebies for real just now you know, and it's just like we don't talk enough about that feeling.

Speaker 2 48:09

I don't think people talk enough about, like people who do like plan their families, like turning that that, like closing the light on that, turning the lampshade off like you know what I mean like letting that go, like that's a really hard thing for me yeah and sometimes I feel like just because I'm not ready to say no doesn't necessarily mean I want to say yes. Yeah, I'm just not ready to say no doesn't necessarily mean I want to say yes, I'm just not ready to say no.

Speaker 1 48:30

When you first told me that, because I feel completely different. Yeah, he does If we were to find out that we want to have a baby, would I be happy to plan for a baby?

Speaker 2 48:39

No.

Speaker 1 48:40

Would I die Absolutely, he would. I love my wife, she's an optimist.

Speaker 2 48:48

Our relationship would not be what it is. I love my wife. She's an optimist, she is a ray of sunshine, but I think it would.

Speaker 1 48:53

I don't think it would kill our marriage, but we wouldn't have this marriage here and financially I'll have to be a different person to cover another child. I don't have the attention span. I'll be 40 in two years. I don't have it for another child, I barely have it for Sid. I'm not the same dad I was for Emery. But I think it's okay to say you just don't have it for another child, I barely have it for Sid. I'm not the same dad I was for Emery.

Speaker 2 49:08

But I think it's okay to say you just don't want another kid.

Speaker 1 49:11

No, I, absolutely 1,000%, do not want another child, boy girl puppy, it don't matter, nobody else can live in this house. I don't want nothing else to have to pay for to eat Like nah, I'm done.

Speaker 2 49:29

But even though I feel that way, I really really respect where you are, even though I don't, I it's still you feel like that, still, what? No, I just feel like when I, whenever I I do the whole back and forth about the third kid, you'll be like still well, I understand.

Speaker 1 49:40

It's not it's. It has a different finality for you. For me, pregnancy is very much an external process. Like it just it takes a lot out of me externally.

Speaker 2 49:50

I'll never be pregnant again, Like I'll never. I'll never hold a baby that came from my body again and you should not get pregnant just for those moments, because it's real ghetto after that, but it's wow, Like I just wish I had more awareness of those moments when Cindy was little. Of course, that's really what it like. It's. I just wish I had more awareness of those moments when Cindy was little, of course. That's really what it is, of course.

Speaker 2 50:11

I just wish I could just go back and smell her a couple of more times and see her smile for the first time a couple more times. Even now, when I see the kids together and they're interacting with each other and having conversations with each other, it's like wow, those are my kids and they're interacting with each other and having conversations with each other.

Speaker 1 50:35

It's like, wow, like those are my kids and it's like just having that experience again is amazing. I think that ties back to that theme again of reliving and recapturing things. It's like a reoccurring theme in your life and I think for me a reoccurring theme in my life is like severely letting go of something once it's over. But I recognize that that's not, that's not where you at with it. So we in a place I want to go to v-town, I want to get the snip snip. I know a lot of dudes are against, especially black men. I'm like, oh man, you, you're gonna let them cut your ball like bro. That's not even how that works.

Speaker 2 51:03

But I won't let them go yet, because I'm not ready it's it's a, it's a thing.

Deciding on Vasectomy Amidst Parenthood

Speaker 1 51:07

It's, it's just a thing with some black men. But I don't want to make what's this thing with some men. I don't want to make children that I am not prepared to take care of. Also, I gotta get this off. I do not have it in me to successfully raise a little boy. I don't have it. He'll be the youngest he'll be. He'll be my son and have to live in my shadow. He'll be the youngest of a mom that that loves her.

Speaker 1 51:30

Some little black boys like that's her heart. His former, his mom, who was a former third grade teacher. His two sisters, who are never going to say no to him. His father, who's well known by everybody. He's going to grow up in a house like this in the suburbs and go to private school and he's going to be difficult to deal with. He's going to be tall and dark-skinned. I'm gonna raise a savage. No, I don't. I do not have it in me to give the discipline and pull him back and push him forward. I do know that baby, I do not have it like I'm dying with sid me and you do not experience parenthood the same way. It is not the same thing for us.

Speaker 2 52:09

That's valid. I'm holding on.

Speaker 1 52:11

I can't wait till these days are done. I do not enjoy raising little kids as much as I thought I would.

Speaker 2 52:17

It's not my jam.

Speaker 1 52:19

It's supremely ghetto. I don't. But you know, some people like to be needed and like to plan and coordinate.

Speaker 2 52:24

I don't like none of that I.

Speaker 1 52:25

Like the plan and coordinate. I don't like none of that. I need adult kids. Come over, pop a beer open and talk trash. You know I help you with life advice. You got your heart broken, Come holler at me.

Speaker 2 52:33

I can't.

Speaker 1 52:34

The little kid stage ain't for me and I know I'm rare in that but I don't, I don't have it. But I said I was going to wait until she felt good with the finality. You know, before I got the because, I want to. I want to. I want you to be good, like my decision is not changing.

Speaker 2 52:51

I know.

Speaker 1 52:52

And I know in your heart of hearts it's the idea of another kid. Yeah, An actual other kid would be.

Speaker 2 52:57

I know I'm not denying that at all. I'm admitting my delusion.

Speaker 1 53:04

That's all right. I'm holding space for that, yeah.

Speaker 2 53:09

But like, but we, we? I think people do a great job at giving grace and holding space for delusion, but like we need more guidance on the next step oh, the next it's delusional.

Speaker 1 53:18

So how we cut this out so my, my ultimatum to you is at the end of this month. I am calling the vasectomy people call.

Speaker 2 53:25

Call them this week. Okay, cool, call them this week Because the thing is. The other part of that is oh my God.

Speaker 1 53:32

Don't put a knife right there. Oh bro, what is you doing? Slow down, Charlie. Slow down, Charlie, Because it hurt.

Speaker 2 53:40

If you guys have any my feet straight up in the air.

Speaker 1 53:42

Right now. You can hear them hitting the table. Please give my man some some words of wisdom if you've been there because a lot more men have gotten vasectomies than you think hey, listen, I don't like being held responsible for the consequences of my actions.

Speaker 2 53:54

Just go ahead, snip that thing, buddy yeah, we're gonna, I think we're ready to do it. I think we're ready to do it because it's literally just people in my ear about it, but I think in my mind, like if it's not possible, it's not happening. So like even when I took the last pregnancy, I was like what if it's positive, like it's not freaking positive even if it was like I've really enjoyed my wife.

Speaker 1 54:14

I love my wife and I want her back. I want to raise these kids.

Speaker 2 54:18

I feel like I'm coming back. Right now, I feel like she coming back and that's. But that's what I wanted. Uh, sydney too. It's like you get a little bit of freedom. You're like, oh, I can handle it. I'm like, no, you free. That's.

Speaker 1 54:28

That's why you can breathe the footage off your neck, you don't finish your to-do list and then make another to-do list. But the thing also is what I'm thinking about is and this is selfishly I can't go through another pregnancy, babe oh baby, you don't have to convince me.

Speaker 2 54:43

I know I can't do it, I know it's the right thing, it's's scary.

Speaker 1 54:47

It's uncertain. It's a lot of. You could smell a fart from the town next to you. You know what I'm saying. You know your nose. You're walking up to someone and you're like somebody's cooking tandoori chicken three counties away. I'm going to be sick.

Speaker 2 55:00

I can't do that at this big age man.

Speaker 1 55:03

The Braxton Hicks, the Restless Leg, the labor and delivery, the Braxton Hicks, the restless leg, the labor and delivery, the possible complications. It is just in no way, shape or form, worth it, man. It's not worth your life. Black women, maternal health outcomes are abysmal. Shout out to our OB.

Speaker 2 55:21

Damn, she is our doctor, okay yeah.

Speaker 1 55:24

But shout out to the OB that we went to for both of our kids because they made her and me feel like we were well taken care of. But it's not, man. I want you to feel like I'm considering you.

Speaker 2 55:36

I always feel like you are.

Speaker 1 55:37

Yeah, Even if you feel like what you feel is delusional. Cool man, but that's what you feel and it's valid. If we're going to move, we're going to move, understanding the same thing as a unit.

Speaker 2 55:53

But also time. If we're gonna move, we're gonna move. You know, understanding the same thing as a unit, but also time is up on this joint. Like we gotta make an executive decision. Yeah, you can call this week. I think I just needed to say it. I think that you know this last situation. Just kind of I recorded my reaction oh yeah, you did tell me that.

Speaker 1 56:02

Yeah, every time you say man every time you say that are you pregnant? No how you know yeah every time you say no, you, I'm not pregnant, I'm like, yeah, that's not confidence, that's wishful thinking bro yeah, I think.

Speaker 2 56:14

I think the last time you was just like how you know, and I was like I'm not, and then the way that you looked at me was like well, should I be concerned? And that's the day that I bought a test. I'm like let me, let me make sure, because you'll be confidently saying things I know't really be knowing yeah, I learned that over the years.

Speaker 2 56:29

No, oh yeah, absolutely because I don't want you to stress me, so if I'm convincing at telling you a definite answer, then maybe you'll leave me alone that's a yo. This is a terrible strategy but I will go back and do what I gotta do. I'm not pregnant, like I'm not um another kid oh my god, real quick, baby.

Speaker 1 56:46

You remember that restaurant and we saw that lady. She had three kids and she was struggling like one was falling on the street. She's kid oh my god, real quick, baby. You remember that restaurant and we saw that lady. She had three kids and she was struggling like one was falling on the street. She's oh my god, and the other one was running.

Speaker 2 56:53

We were in silver spring and we look we like hell to the no but you see how that's something you would remember, something I wouldn't remember right now.

Speaker 1 57:00

My memory has that blocked out hey, thank y'all for tuning in this conversation. You know we wormhole and rabbit hole and all other types of holes, but we definitely get to the. We definitely get to the.

Speaker 2 57:11

Uh, hey the meat oh man, so whoa you get to the meat of the. Come on now the conversation. Relax, isn't that what the people say?

Speaker 1 57:20

it's a lot going on right now. That's all I'm saying. Make sure you hit the notification button so you can know of all of our posts as soon as they post the, the meats, the holes and everything in between, and also make sure that you follow us individually on Instagram. Make sure that you look, do all the stuff. You follow enough people on YouTube.

Speaker 2 57:37

You know what everybody be saying all the time.

Speaker 1 57:39

Do all the things that we need you to do. Also write in the comment section below what your biggest takeaway from this episode was. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 57:46

if you're a parent, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 57:47

I feel like people who don't have kids still have amazing insight on parenting stuff, because there are people who do have kids that have zero amazing insight on parenting stuff. So it works both ways. We will catch y'all later. Yeah, be well.