Forgiveness and Reconciliation in Relationships

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome back to another episode of the sit-down talk, where the conversation is like a snitch when you ask who did it. Straight to the point, my name is Kier and I'm Noemi. We welcome you. Today's episode is a special one, where we dive into your burning questions.

Speaker 2 0:15

We're tackling some tough topics, including perspectives on cheating, both from those who strayed and those who've been hurt. I mean, it's real. So it's going to be a really candid conversation that starts off slow but trust us, it's going to pick up and it's going to get really insightful in the end.

Speaker 1 0:32

Yeah, the middle of this episode is. It was some good conversation there, for sure. So what we want you to do is stick with us as we unpack these heavy hitters and more, sharing our thoughts and maybe a few lessons along the way. Let's have a podcast. So today's episode. We created on our Instagram a channel for the sit down talk. It's about twenty five hundred people strong right now, so what. Well, yes, twenty five hundred people in there.

Speaker 2 0:59

So I don't even know, I don't even know it.

Speaker 1 1:02

So on our Instagram channel, we sent a little update and I said hey, y'all like a close-knit community, we might do a Q&A soon. So just ask us some questions, because these people know our content, know the sit-down talk as well as anybody. So y'all asked. I think I got I don't know how many. I'm going to just lie and say I got a hundred comments. It's a lot of questions, it's a lot. I'm still scrolling, um, okay, nah, I'm lying, it wasn't that bad, it wasn't that crazy of a scroll, but y'all asked some amazing questions and we're gonna take a few of them answer it. There's gonna be a mailbag episode. All my favorite podcasts have at least one mailbag episode where they answer questions from the audience yo it's.

Speaker 1 1:42

I think it might be 100 oh yeah, yeah, some of these are really good, but we so look y'all, we know us and we had a tendency to go off on a tangent a lot and we don't really want to do that.

Speaker 1 1:57

For the time stamp, it's 10 pm it is what it is we gotta be up early with the kids, but we enjoy doing this, and it's a fun episode today. Yeah, yeah, last few episodes have been heavy, so it's good. Yeah, fun one, all right. So we're gonna read these questions off. Let's set a timer, babe. Let's set a timer for five minutes no, is this gonna be? Annoying.

Speaker 2 2:17

Well, they're not gonna hear it, we're gonna edit it out, yeah, but at least it gives us an idea of how much time to spend on a question, because we'll do a mailbag episode and only can we do a silent timer, because I would hate for, like one of us, to be in the middle of our bag and it's like the sound of the timer. So if you're watching and you're not listening, I don't like being policed by time for what I want to say speak your truth, sis, all right.

Speaker 1 2:41

So the first question is can you really reconcile a relationship if you can't forgive him?

Speaker 2 2:47

I don't think so. I don't see how I wouldn't be able to, if I wasn't able to forgive someone. I cannot reconcile the relationship why, because I personally will feel manipulated, I will feel like I guess it also depends on what you're, what what you forget what this person did, my mind automatically goes to like cheating or violating the relationship in some way.

Speaker 2 3:17

I've been cheated on before. There have been situations where I have forgiven and situations where I have it, and when I think about how I was able to decipher between the two, it's like situational. You know what I mean. Like what were the circumstances behind the offense in the relationship? What was the climate of the relationship when it happened? Was there a communication barrier? Is this something for manipulation? You know what I mean. Is this an ongoing problem? I don't know if it's so much the act, but it's the situation around the circumstances and if my body cannot forgive you, there's nothing that I can do to convince myself to do it and for the safety of my own mental health and just out of fairness in the relationship, I don't think we can move forward.

Speaker 1 4:04

I'm trying to put myself in these shoes and I think my answer is the same. But we tend to feel the same way in these situations Reconcile. If I can't forgive, it depends. I think we can reconcile to the point where we could be cordial or we could still speak. Oh, I agree, I don't think we'll ever be able to have a relationship. Not me, or it just it depends. That's the only thing about the mailbag. I wish there was more specificity with the questions Because it's easier to say that if you're not married.

Speaker 1 4:35

It's easier to say that if you don't have children. But forgiveness takes a long time in my mind and betrayal is something that just weighs really heavily on me, like it's a worse offense to me than some other things. So the reconciliation I think I have to forgive you as a person before I even determine what the relationship is going to look like after that, because I can. I can forgive you and reconcile to the point we don't hate each other anymore, but there won't be any closeness or warmth I think where you and I are disconnecting on is the definition of reconciliation.

Speaker 2 5:08

So when I think of reconcile, I think of get back together.

Speaker 1 5:11

I don't think about being cordial.

Speaker 2 5:13

What am I reconciling if we're not reconciling a relationship, a friendship, and I'm just keeping it a thousand and we're in a relationship and you betray me and I don't forgive you. I'm not like, oh, let's reconcile this friendship. Like, I don't want to be your friend, yeah, you know, and I just think that like it's. But I can be cordial with you, I can say you know what? What we had was great. Where it's going is not where I want it to go and we can be cordial. I'm cool with my exes that she's on me, we cool. I'm not with you, no more. So like it's not, it doesn't hurt, in the same way that it did.

Speaker 2 5:49

When I once saw a future with you or two, I expect I expected some kind of like honesty and like whatever from you. But like, reconciliation means get back together. To me, and if I can't forgive you, I've also never been in a situation where I really wanted to be with someone so bad, but I couldn't forgive something that they've done. And not to say that people haven't been in that situation, but I have not, because once I get to a place, if I can't forgive you, I can't be with you. I've never forced myself to be in a relationship that didn't feel right.

Speaker 1 6:22

I think my brain is having a hard time registering moving to such a high level of closeness with someone who I still can't forgive for an incident. I think the thing that's popping up in my mind is just this idea around forced forgiveness, feeling like you owe someone forgiveness, or because of the amount of time and closeness that you all shared, that there's, there's a self-expectation of forgiveness somewhere. I don't believe in any of that. Um, I think forgiveness is for you. It's not necessarily for the other person, and if you live your life and you try to find forgiveness for them and you can't, I don't feel like that's a bad thing I feel like that's par for a lot of people's minds, but yeah, I agree I just get this one thing.

Speaker 2 7:03

I think it's par for people, lot of people's minds. Yeah, I agree. Can I just get this one thing off? Yeah, go ahead baby.

Speaker 1 7:05

I think it's par for people's mind. But there is cultural, social and religious pressures that kind of make people lie to themselves about how they feel about forgiveness. If you never forgive a person, I think that's okay. And I don't think it's totally unhealthy to walk around with unforgiveness for people. I don't find that to be an unhealthy thing in one fell swoop.

Speaker 2 7:29

I think that's going to be hard for some people to hear, because I'm glad you touched on the religious aspect of it, because I think it's okay to say this situation happened to me and it was hard to forgive, and because me being in relationship with this person brings up these emotions, maybe it's best for me to walk away from it. You know, I think that at the core of the issue is that whether you can live with being around this person and forgiving them or not, and it's like you can force yourself to do that, but your body's going to tell you how you feel and if this person is struggling with reconciliation because they're unable to forgive, no matter how big or small the situation is, that person is unable to forgive. They don't have the capacity at that moment to maneuver through that relationship because of whatever happened.

Speaker 1 8:16

If you are in a spot and this is tricky because there are some really dangerous things that people do to people where you definitely don't owe that person forgiveness, you know it gets really dark. But if you were in a spot where you feel that you owe someone forgiveness, um, because you know time has elapsed and and you're putting pressure on yourself to do that, just know that your brain does what it does. You can will it to be another way, you can wish it to be another way, but if your mind just can't wrap itself around the idea of forgiving the person at some point, you kind of have to listen to it and not be overly self-critical and self-judgmental of your inability to flip the switch. Where maybe that switch isn't being flipped for a reason. The mind does some beautiful gymnastics to protect us and everybody doesn't deserve forgiveness.

Speaker 1 9:17

That's just that's. That's my take. Yo imagine reconciling with somebody going through all the hoops and then they do that shit again what? And then you say you know what, maybe third time's a charm, and they do that shit again. Now you don't even have to worry about reconciling with them, because you got to reconcile with yourself, been there man Done that, which is why Put your thing on silent.

Speaker 2 9:42

Come on, then they've done that, which is why my answer is my answer Because I've been in this situation where I might maybe I shouldn't have forgiven and I did, and things happened multiple times and then after the first time at least the way that I was taught, like the way that my mom, you know, gave me game on relationships After that first time and like, not that it's your, my mom, you know, gave me game on relationships after that first time and like, not that it's your fault, but you know what I mean.

Navigating Cheating and Relationship Dynamics

Speaker 2 10:09

But it's just kind of like it's on you now, like it's on you. This person has proven that this is how they handle things. So you need to decide whether you're okay with it or not, and she would always say that your, not your stance, but like how you decide to continue on in that relationship will always be the foundation for how things are happening in your relationship. Like you forgive cheating multiple times, why not one more time? And if the cheating really is that big of a deal for you, then like your foot has to go down at some point, man going down a rabbit hole of cheating.

Speaker 1 10:41

Cheating is such a I don't want to talk about cheating a rabbit hole of cheating, and cheating is such a I don't want to talk about. I know it's such a it's, but it's such a multi-faceted concept because it's hard to have the discussion outside of villainizing. I know someone in a party there's, so it's so complex. What leads a person to do that it's?

Speaker 2 10:58

can we keep it a thousand, I agree. I think we demonize the action of cheating, which is a bad thing. But like I've cheated before, you know what I mean. I've cheated before and I've been cheated on. I've been on both sides of the equation. But what I can tell you is, if it's happening consistently, there is a block in the relationship, like maybe reconciliation isn't what's best even like you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 11:27

It's like do you want this person and this relationship? Like, do you want this person or do you want what this relationship actually is? And in those situations where there was cheating on both sides, in hindsight I can look back and be like the relationship served its purpose for a certain amount of time and and after that we were just dragging it Like I don't know that either one of us, like both of y'all- were in a spot like I don't want to do it, no more, but we so familiar with each other.

Speaker 2 11:53

We were together for a while and it's like I don't think either one of us can look back at our relationship and be like damn, like I wish we gave it one more shot. It was a great relationship. It was a great relationship until it wasn't and I think that, like, both of us were just really afraid I mean, I can't speak for him, but I was afraid of leaving because, one, we were together for so long, two families and friends were intertwined, and it's like I don't, like nobody else you know what I mean Like I've invested so much time in this relationship. I was still a kid and I think once I started to meet new people and kind of like broaden my circle in my world, it made a lot of sense. But I do think that that familiarity, the fear of starting over, like those are really really, really valid things.

Speaker 2 12:43

But, looking back, there were so many signs to where, like, the relationship was not working. There was resentment on both sides, there was, you know, a lack of forgiveness on both sides and it's just like I just I don't see how it's sustainable being in a relationship with somebody who has done something that you cannot forgive. Big or small, it's always going to come out in an argument. I have not seen it work and being in that situation, I remember what it felt like. And looking at our relationship granted, I don't think there's anything like big that either one of us needed to be forgiven for, but there's still a level of like.

Speaker 2 13:20

I think this relationship is right. I don't feel like we're forcing it. In the relationship, I feel like the love, the respect, all of those things really come naturally, whereas in, like those past relationships, it was forced. Yeah, you know, it's just like I. I have to, I have to forgive you, I have to trust you because I'm choosing to be in this relationship, but I really don't on the inside, I'm lying to myself there's something intoxicating about being in the moment.

Speaker 1 13:51

In the moment, desperate people don't know they look desperate In the moment.

Speaker 2 13:53

people who are hurting themselves, don't?

Speaker 1 13:53

feel like they're hurting themselves. When you're wrapped up in the emotion and just the bigness of the moment, you don't always feel it. Of course, looking back it don't make sense. But, man, when you're so close to it, never, never, underestimate how many things you're too close to to be able to see accurately.

Speaker 2 14:09

That was, that was a brave boo, yeah that was a brave, yeah, I feel like you got some off just now yeah, it's something that I've never held back on, but I don't always love the way that cheaters are demonized, and especially like on some. Like men are cheaters and blah, blah, blah. Like I think I don't know that right now we're ready for an honest conversation about I'll speak for myself when, when I cheated, it wasn't like a manipulation tactic, it wasn't like I'm trying to get back at somebody. It was a block in the relationship.

Speaker 2 14:45

I think by that time, neither one of us really wanted to be in a relationship. We weren't able to give each other what we needed and it wasn't. He had nothing to do with it. I wasn't thinking about it Like. I was literally thinking about myself. I think it's a way more of a selfish move as opposed to like I'm doing this even though it hurts this person. Maybe after the fact, you feel that guilt, but, like in the moment, it's always deeper than the action. If we're willing to have a really, really honest conversation about unhappiness being unfulfilled, lack of communication in relationships, I think that we can have a way more honest conversation about, like the impact of cheating in relationships.

Speaker 1 15:27

And we talk about this a lot. We always talk about what we would do If something happened. Yeah, of course, that's just how our brains work. I don't know if I have a dog in this fight for real. Yeah, I don't have the same experiences with cheating that you do Um.

Speaker 2 15:42

Have you ever been cheated on?

Speaker 1 15:43

Yeah, once to, to my knowledge, yeah once, but man, that was so long ago, I think I was like 19 oh, so it don't, it, don't, it, don't count, I mean, that's valid.

Speaker 2 15:52

How do you feel?

Speaker 1 15:53

it stung man, it sucked in a moment. Yeah, she went off to college and got her a girlfriend oh, I remember this but we just, we didn't know each other that long, but she was like you were so infatuated. It was puppy, puppy, love for sure, yeah, yeah, you were in it, dang. I remember this story Super infatuated and then, like the summer was over, she got a girlfriend, damn, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 16:13

It's like what. It's not funny. It's not funny, it's not funny.

Speaker 1 16:18

No wait, only been together for what a month. But she went.

Speaker 2 16:25

That's the summer she went off to college you met her in the summertime, met her in the summer, in the middle of the summer too, like july.

Speaker 1 16:31

I don't know between her senior year and her freshman year of college yeah yeah, I remember that time oh yeah, and I didn't go to college right after high school, so I was still home working okay, next question.

Speaker 2 16:44

Yeah, that is. I can't pull an emotion from that?

Speaker 1 16:48

yeah, I know that was 15 that was 15 minutes on the first question. People, we can't help it. All right, great question, sir or ma'am. Thank you for that, um, next question is it's no way we can answer this shortly, all right. So this question is uh, it's not a question, it's more of a statement. But he got a lot of love in the channel. It's just overcoming resentment toward a partner after a lack of support postpartum. So I will say this if ever I mediated between a couple, especially young couples, where this was an issue, one of the things that we don't really think about in these situations is what does the support system outside of the child's dad look like for the mom? Where's the mom's mom? Where's the mom's dad? Where's the mom's grandma? Where's the mom's cousins? Because in these situations, especially when I talk to these men, it's like, hey, I don't know how to tell you, but you alone, you're not going to be enough postpartum you're not both of y'all no matter how strong the the union is between the two y'all.

Speaker 1 17:53

Y'all need more people it's not an indictment on you in this and that's that's heteronormative to assume it's a dude, but just like the other partner. It's too much to expect one person to feel all those divots. You're talking about someone who's going through physiological, biological, hormonal, neurological changes. That's a lot on them. And even when I was working in special education, when I was working with students with disabilities for DC, I remember we would sit and all these families would pour in and we would give all these support to all these students. And you look at the parents and the parents they love their children, they will do anything for their children. They're dedicated, hardworking parents, but they tired, they're exhausted and you can tell and it's like damn the support for the person who needs support. They need support too.

Speaker 1 18:43

I remember when I was in grad school and we were talking about how to help people through grief and they said when a child dies, the most neglected people in that situation are the grandparents. Because everyone's going to rush to the parents and I'm so sorry for your loss, but the grandparents are not only mourning the loss of their grandchild. They're mourning the loss of their grandchild. They're mourning the loss of their child's child. They're mourning with their child. It's a compound pain right there. And I just say that all to say that if you're supporting a person who's in a rough predicament, you're going to need so much support, you're going to need so much for yourself. I think to expect that individual to be everything is a lot. To expect that individual to be everything is a lot. And I think one of the things that breaks up that resentment is understanding that perhaps you all needed a stronger community around you because, also where's his family?

Speaker 2 19:31

helping and pushing that realistically. It don't work like that and that's what I was gonna ask you. I think that's a great point, but like that's not people's lived reality.

Speaker 1 19:40

Remember TikTok? Grandmas ain't as grandma-y as they used to be Right.

Speaker 2 19:46

They're not.

Speaker 1 19:46

They're not.

Speaker 2 19:47

So I still don't think that answers the question. Then it's like, yes, the person that's supposed to be the person supporting the mom or the birthing parent needs support but doesn't have support. And the mom or the birthing parent needs support but doesn't have support. And the mom or the birthing parent needs support but doesn't have support. And we're still back to square one.

Speaker 1 20:09

That's why these situations usually end up in two people going their separate ways and coping with it.

Speaker 2 20:15

I think that what could be helpful here is acknowledging that resentment is a natural feeling in this situation. How could you not feel resentment? But I think being honest about that resentment can help, and this is a way that it can that Kira and I you know what I mean might say something. I'll be like babe I know this isn't intentional, but I kind of feel a way about X, y and Z and that kind of takes away the blame from him but also puts him on notice that this is something that is that is in his cup of responsibilities, that's not getting done for whatever reason, valid or not. And I think that us being able to look at the situation or the problem and focus on the problem being the problem, versus like he's not doing enough or I'm not communicating enough, like sometimes it's really helpful for Kira and I to come together and be like yo, these kids motherf***** crazy. It's like I'm f***** drowning man, I'm drowning too. Like just that acknowledgement of this is hard for different reasons, but it's hard for the both of us. That builds our solidarity, even though there's no solution, because it's not a blame thing. It's like damn crazy as hell.

Speaker 2 21:30

You know what I mean, but I think it needs to be said and I think that once we kind of know where we both are, we can do the little things. Like I might say you know, the kids are crazy, or the house is a mess. He won't be able to clean the whole house, but he'll clean up. In his mind he'll be like you know what? I've got 30 minutes, let me do the dishes real quick. Or if you're overwhelmed because the kids are crazy, I'm like you know what, let me hop the kids in the car. We're going to go to McDonald's and get some help and there is a little cup you can fill, even if you can't. You know, even if you can't solve the little cups the little cups matter, man.

Speaker 2 22:11

The little cups are the ones that stop you from drowning and keeping your head above water. Yeah, it only takes that little bit little cups, add up they add up.

Speaker 1 22:20

They add up quick, yeah I would say everyone doesn't have a relationship where they can explain that to their partner and then their partner say you know what? Let me sit and be reflective, because if you feel resentment, there's a very strong likelihood that your partner feels resentment as well. And resentment and resentment don't really know how to talk to each other.

Speaker 2 22:41

So, oil and water, yeah, resentment and resentment don't really know how to talk to each other Like oil and water, yeah, resentment and resentment, need a mediator, and I know that everyone is not a super big fan of therapy.

Speaker 1 22:50

But relationship counseling teaches you all not so much how to communicate, but it gives you different tools to put in your tool bag. It allows you a different sensitivity as to when a conversation isn't going well and after a while you realize the conversations become more productive. But you need a space where y'all can hear each other, because if I feel resentment, I think that I'm gonna go to a space and just let it all out and then get nothing back and then see some action. That's never gonna happen in a relationship that you got it. You're gonna going to have to give and get. You're going to have to take and receive. You're going to have to hear some things, say some things you probably don't want to say and hear some things you probably don't want to hear as well. So a mediator if you try to do it yourselves and it's not working, it's because you can't.

Speaker 2 23:37

And that's OK. Yeah, it's OK.

Updating Relationship Philosophy Through Communication

Speaker 1 23:47

It's not. You can't because you're weak or incapable. It's a lot. You can't because it's just outside of the scope of possibilities for where y'all are individually and collectively in this moment. It's all right, man. Yeah, it's all right I love that Find you a mediator and wishing you the best on that real bad All right. So the next question is how often do you update your relationship philosophy? That's a good question.

Speaker 2 24:02

Who is this? That is a good question. Can I tell you what that makes me think about? What's that so Maddie James. She's an influencer online. Shout out to Maddie James, A mompreneur boss, but also we know her personally, love her.

Speaker 1 24:18

Shout out to her husband, Chris yeah.

Speaker 2 24:21

We love them. Love her, shout out her husband, chris. Yeah, like we love them, they they've been. I hate to call them a mentor couple because I feel like they're my friends. Of course, I look up to them, but it's like I like the lateral friendships more than like the what can I learn from you? Like we're learning from each other? Um, so I appreciate your friendship, maddie and chris, but one thing that they really was that funny yeah, I don't know why it was funny.

Speaker 1 24:45

To me it's just I don't know.

Speaker 2 24:46

In my head I feel like they watch our vlog. They probably don't, but so maddie and chris do this thing.

Speaker 2 24:51

I think it's called a family mission statement oh yeah, I remember you told me about that, yeah um, I don't remember what theirs is, but I just remember the concept of it's like a set of guidelines or pillars for their family. So whenever they're making a family decision, whenever they're going through some type of hardship, they lean on those pillars to kind of guide their decisions. And I feel like for us I'm not sure if we have established like a family mission statement, but I definitely think that there are pillars in our relationship that trickle down to our family and really set a tone for what I think could be a family mission statement, and I think communication is one of them. I think that we really value having safe spaces for us to communicate, especially about, like grievances, but also, like I don't always feel like when we have to talk. It's something that one of us did, like the money conversation when I was on vacation. You know how we talked about that Like I felt like if we didn't value communication, that could have ended up being an argument.

Speaker 1 26:06

Oh, it would have been bad. You know what I mean.

Speaker 2 26:08

I think that you were valid in how you felt, but I also felt safe enough to be like I get that, but I don't know if that's a me thing, even though you ended up saying that like you ended up saying like, after you thought about it, you know it wasn't like a me thing, but like I felt validated enough to be like yo, babe, I completely understand where you're coming from. I don't I don't think that's a me thing, but let's talk about it. You know, and I just don't know that if we didn't value communication, that we'd be able to have that open conversation.

Speaker 2 26:37

So, I definitely think that communication is one of them, and then I think another big one is just like respect for the things that we're good at in our relationship. Like I'm not good at it, I'm not the fun parent, you know. I know we talked about that earlier. Like I'm not the fun parent, like I'm not, I'm not the parent that's spontaneous, but I am the parent that plans. So I don't get mad at you for, like, not being able. I got something on my lip no, my lips is it alright, I think.

Speaker 2 27:02

The respect factor too, because I think that I can recognize the things that you're good at in a relationship and let you cook, and you recognize the things that I'm good at and let me cook, and we don't try to step on each other's toes.

Speaker 1 27:14

I love that aspect. I feel like there's a third, one cause.

Speaker 2 27:17

You know, I think in threes, but communication and respect are those mission statements or pillars?

Speaker 2 27:22

I think those are pillars I think it's based on, like those pillars. Like when you look back on your relationship, when you look at the, I think specifically looking at times where you had adversity and how you kind of got over to the other side, what were the things that you can recognize in your relationship that helped you get there? And I think, like it's the way that we communicate and the respect that we have for each other. I think those two things stand out so much, even in people who know us personally and the way that we talk about each other in our relationship, like what would they say outside. Of those two things I don't disagree with you.

Speaker 1 27:58

I'm just trying to think like what's the philosophy? That's also a very intentional way of going about it and my philosophy wouldn't be something that I could pull up. But if you point it out, I could verify and say yeah, that is kind of what we do. I mean, I agree with you with the pillars, with the communication and the mutual respect, of course. How often do we update it?

Speaker 2 28:18

I think it's just rolling. How do you define it?

Speaker 1 28:23

Now update it. I think it's just rolling. How do?

Speaker 2 28:24

you define it. Nah how often do you update your relationship?

Speaker 1 28:26

philosophy. I think it just happens with time. Yeah, it's just, it's on a rolling basis, but I do think you need to recognize.

Speaker 2 28:30

I think you need to recognize like what is it about your relationship that keeps you going and allow those things to elevate?

Speaker 1 28:39

I mean it's similar to what you just said, the strengths, the individual strength, and not stepping on toes, I think, the philosophy kind of they, they play into each other, like that. It's what. What are you good at? What are you strong at? What do, I hate to do. I think that is what are you? Good at what am I not strong at? What do you love to do? What do I hate to do?

Speaker 2 29:02

and we just plug. We give each other room to do our thing yeah, you like organizing cool. I hate that.

Speaker 1 29:08

Please take that oh, you like going out with the kids and having fun. Please take that I'll be here taking a nap on the couch I'll have dinner ready for you when you come home but you know what I think, the older the kids get, it'll start to challenge us more. I think our roles are just going to keep switching, yeah.

Speaker 2 29:24

We got to maintain flexibility.

Speaker 1 29:27

That's another philosophy. Maintain the flexibility.

Speaker 2 29:30

And that's not something we always had. That's definitely not something that I had. I'm not going to speak for you, but I was not a flexible person. I mean, we're both only children, like bend, and adjust for who. Why?

Speaker 1 29:45

No, I don't feel that way. I feel like I've always been a flexible person.

Speaker 2 29:49

You have.

Speaker 1 29:50

Yeah, to an extent. Maybe not originally, but I feel like I come around.

Speaker 2 29:58

Is that flexibility?

Speaker 1 29:59

To me it is. I can't think of a super hard stance I've ever had that I didn't at least say you know what I could feel differently down the road Is willingness to entertain other ways of thinking, or is flexibility, your ability to adapt to different? See we too deep for the mailbag episode? Damn.

Speaker 2 30:34

Because I disagree with you. I feel like you'll entertain something, but whenever you say something that you're going to do and you're not going not gonna do, there is no budging on that. You'll entertain a conversation, be like that's cool, but I'm not doing that. And flexibility might mean like maybe you'll do it a couple of years later, after you have some time to sit on it, but it doesn't necessarily change the moment but flexibility also doesn't exist in every facet of my being.

Speaker 1 31:01

If I'm flexible with things in regard to my career and I'm inflexible with family, does that make me an?

Speaker 2 31:06

inflexible person. I thought we were talking about the relationship, so like flexibility in the relationship versus flexibility in career?

Speaker 1 31:13

What part of the relationship?

Speaker 2 31:16

Okay.

Speaker 1 31:17

You don't think I'm flexible.

Speaker 2 31:19

I think you're more flexible now, but I don't think you've always been flexible. Yeah, I think it was pretty rigid for a while.

Speaker 1 31:25

I mean I'd never dated me, so I'm gonna just have to defer to you on that that sounds right, but I would never be able to between bias and me being too close to it, how am I gonna see?

Speaker 2 31:35

yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 31:36

I never see that that's true you want to do one more?

Speaker 2 31:38

okay, as an 18 year old, if you, what would you tell your 18-year-old self?

Speaker 1 31:43

I remember I was on a podcast and they asked me that what would you tell your 18-year-old self if you could go back and so where were you at 18?

Speaker 2 31:53

Put yourself in that moment.

Speaker 1 31:55

At 18, I had just graduated high school. My mom had just passed. I was making music for money. I was doing shows and doing rap battles. Um, I had big dreams of being a hip-hop star. I didn't see much else outside of that, and I was. I was trying to find ways to make money that were legitimate what were you struggling with then?

Speaker 2 32:18

what was 18 year old kira in that moment, in those places, doing those things? Was he happy?

Speaker 1 32:26

yeah he, he was happy.

Speaker 2 32:28

I mean, I know your mom had just passed, but like, how were you feeling emotionally then I can't remember, but I think he was his version of happy and I think I felt fulfilled by music.

Speaker 1 32:38

I felt fulfilled by creating music and creating things in general. I don't really have one of those. Oh, I would tell him, hang in there, it's gonna be better it doesn't have it could.

Speaker 2 32:48

It could literally be like keep doing what you're doing you know what I mean. Like if you can just knowing where you are now and only you have that lived experience of cure being 18 like you know any issues he was having, or if he was happy keep doing what you're doing, because this is going to pay off. You know something? I don't think it has to be like I'm down and I need to be risen up out of my like.

Speaker 1 33:12

You know you'd be on a panel and there's always going to be somebody like if I had 18 year old me, I would tell them that I love you and I'm like damn that's deep, but 18 year old me. Look at me now. Love you and I'm like, damn that's deep, but 18 year old me.

Speaker 2 33:24

Look at me now be like bro, why your sweatpants so tight? Not, what 18 year old would say to you is what you would say to get an 18 yeah, I just tell just keep creating, just keep making stuff, man.

Speaker 1 33:32

Just keep making stuff that makes you happy, um, and keep making stuff that you think is meaningful. I don't feel like you could ever go wrong with that. I think at that point it was more therapeutic for me than I realized. I didn't know a therapist was a thing, but I got to express myself through words, and I got to sort through some really complicated feelings with in front of an entire audience, with people kicking it back at me, um. So just keep making stuff, man. One day you'll be doing that for a living and it's going to be lit. It ain't going to be the way you think, though. You're not going to be rapping in front of you. You still have the crowds, but you hold the mic like you rapping, but you won't be rapping.

Speaker 2 34:14

That's crazy. What year was it when I was 18?

Speaker 1 34:17

The year was 2006.

Speaker 2 34:21

2007.

Speaker 1 34:22

2007. Damn what was 2006. It was 2007. 2007.

Speaker 2 34:25

Damn what was going on in 2007? 2007 was a rough year for me. 2007 was a rough year for me. It was the year that I graduated high school and started college. What I would tell her is 18-year-old Noemi was very resilient and driven, and this was a part of my life where I think I was at a crossroads and I think most people are in their, like, senior year, going into high school, and I feel like I had so many dreams that I wanted to accomplish and, like, looking back now, I accomplished every single one of those dreams that I wanted to, that I set out to accomplish, and there were a lot of obstacles in the way, a lot of big obstacles in the way, but even through that, like I've been me for a really long time, you know I've been an optimistic.

Speaker 1 35:22

I've been me for a really long time, you know, I've been an optimistic.

Speaker 2 35:23

I've been an optimistic like, first of all, I think that, like, people who are optimists get a bad rap because people think that we're delusional. It's not that we're delusional, but there really is beauty and resolve in all issues. It's all a matter of perspective, you know, and I just feel like I've always felt so strongly about that. I would tell her, the 18-year-old me, to keep that up, because that's what's going to separate you from being broken and you persevering, because at that moment I probably felt like that was like the hardest time of my life, like just that age and a lot of those decisions. But like everything I hate to be cliche, but like everything really happens for a reason and I would tell her to lean into her experience but continue to push through the way that you always have. You know, like this is good practice for what's ahead and you can do it.

Speaker 2 36:26

So, yeah, I don't really have like a I don't know if that's super inspirational but yeah, like I don't stay down. You know what I mean. I've never been the type of I'll be down for a minute, but I don't know if that's super inspirational, but yeah, I don't stay down. You know what I mean. I've never been the type of person I'll be down for a minute, but I don't stay down. I don't ever stay down. That position isn't comfortable for me, so I don't stay there.

Deep Q&A Session With Reflective Themes

Speaker 1 36:42

I like that. You just made me damn. That was good. I want to change mine now.

Speaker 2 36:45

Okay, go, change yours, go ahead.

Speaker 1 36:53

I would change mine. Actually, it'll probably change the course of my life, um, but I would tell him to go to go to college out of state after high school just go, just go.

Speaker 2 37:00

No, that will completely change the trajectory.

Speaker 1 37:01

That's, that's why I know I know, I know that's what I'm saying. That's why these, these scenarios, my brain don't work for these scenarios.

Speaker 2 37:11

This is a horrible challenge. You don't even want to answer these questions. Why are we doing this? Why, when I ask people to ask me questions.

Speaker 1 37:21

These are always the kind of questions that people ask but it's like you saw the questions before baby, this is every q a. I'd be one of the people to ask me what my favorite cereal is. People like how do I get out of depression? But oh yeah, I'm a therapist. Jesus.

Speaker 2 37:34

I gave myself an hour and we're a minute over.

Speaker 1 37:36

I'm kind of over it too.

Speaker 2 37:41

Kira thought that this was gonna be a fun Q&A. I Don't think he knows who he is. You think, oh, I was about to say I was about to curse. You think people want to be your friend because you cool and you rap good. People want to be your friend so you can give them advice. Somebody needs a hard look in the mirror.

Speaker 1 38:03

I just man, I just want a lighthearted episode. I want to laugh. Well, I laugh, we laugh.

Speaker 2 38:08

I don't think people come to your page to laugh. He has a post right now that's like averaging four million views.

Speaker 1 38:15

And I didn't even know it was being filmed when you shot it.

Speaker 2 38:18

And I will tag it somewhere, but it's a video.

Speaker 1 38:23

I think it's almost at five in the last two days.

Speaker 2 38:25

I think it's almost at five If you look at the comments, everybody's like, oh my God, my inner child needed to hear this. I don't know how Keira gaines equates, like his brand, with fun like I you might be a little delusional, maybe.

Speaker 1 38:42

Maybe you are everybody's therapist you're about to.

Speaker 2 38:44

You know how like felicia rashad is. Everybody's like black mom. You're everybody's dad right now. You're the dad that everybody wished they had.

Speaker 1 38:52

I ain't mad. I received that. I received that. I just want to do a fun Q&A with someone. Ask what's your favorite color Black, it's time to go y'all. Nobody cares about what your favorite color is Like I be saying people Q&A Like, oh, who's the best rapper? Jay-z, biggie Nas, give me some of that People don't even know you used to rap. Who's your favorite philosopher? They just found out.

Speaker 2 39:20

What's your philosophy?

Speaker 1 39:22

How do I reconcile the relationship between me and my mama? Who's your mama? What?

Speaker 2 39:26

happened Like I need more what. What did that lady? Do People see me. They just be like therapist. Come here, give me the secrets. If you want people to ask you fun questions, maybe you need to post more fun content I do.

Speaker 1 39:40

I posted a whole trip with me and my daughter going to philly. Ain't nobody asked me nothing about philly?

Speaker 2 39:43

that was not fun, that was inspiration, like the music in the background, the beginning, her almost crying me like I would love to, but it really happened. I'm not saying it didn't happen, but I'm just like can you understand why the perception of the viewer is like? This is emotional and inspirational.

Speaker 1 40:01

I don't care who your favorite rapper is. I'm never going to be able to see that and I love it because I'm just. I'm just happily living my life and posting content and I'm I'm happy that it's resonating with people. I love that, I love it, I love it, but I just I don't take my. I don't see myself like these other people. See me, you know I know that.

Speaker 2 40:19

Yeah, that's why I laugh at you, because I'm like, sir, do you see what I see?

Speaker 1 40:23

you remember like, do they see me?

Speaker 2 40:24

you see me, do I see?

Speaker 1 40:26

you see me. How am I not going to see it? You see me.

Speaker 2 40:30

Are you blown?

Speaker 1 40:31

I just Nah, I'm not, I'm not blown.

Speaker 2 40:34

I just you are I'm not blown. I just I love to sit down and talk because I can be honest and I think Like if I'm going to, Kier secretly hates to sit down and talk because y'all are too serious.

Speaker 1 40:46

That's not true. I don't even secretly hate this job.

Speaker 2 41:01

Would not be recording this at 11 o'clock at night, when I gotta be up, as at 5 36 am it's not 11 yet, but we can end it before it hits 11. Let's end it, I'm not. Thank you all for asking questions. Don't stop asking people. Be having lighthearted podcast. Okay, the next time we do a q a we're gonna try it in the morning time because, like damn the first question was how do you reconcile? Cheating you picked that.

Speaker 1 41:18

That was actually the first question that was the first question and it was a great question, but it's like damn, it wasn't nowhere to go from there I would love if you guys want to continue asking us questions.

Speaker 2 41:30

They don't have to be light, but like happy questions. I don't want to continue asking us questions. They don't have to be light, but like happy questions.

Speaker 1 41:35

I don't want to police the audience man, yeah you're right.

Speaker 2 41:39

Y'all ask us, just ask us whatever you want. Ask us what you you know. It's cool. We need to just have a live event. Like we need to have a live event. Drop in the comments.

Speaker 1 41:55

I don't always want to be serious when where you live.

Speaker 2 41:58

I think that the cameras just need to be away and we need to just, we just need to vibe, because I feel like you will like us so much more in real life, like we are not this serious in real life.

Speaker 1 42:13

Don't don't read my facial expressions y'all he tired. It's 11 o'clock at night and we answer serious questions that I thank you for.

Speaker 2 42:20

Hopefully you know this was helpful. We'll be back to our regular scheduled programming next week. Let us know how this episode went, because if it didn't go well, please let us know.

Speaker 1 42:32

Yeah, we thank you so much for tuning in. Make sure you hit the notification button so that you can know of all of our posts as soon as they post. Also, make sure you hit the subscribe button. Hey, I just look on Buzzsprout. We have 5,000 downloads and I think we only have four episodes up on streaming platforms.

Speaker 2 42:51

So anyway, four episodes up on streaming platforms, that's about a thousand per episode, that's crazy.

Speaker 1 42:53

That's amazing. So thank y'all for listening, thank y'all for tuning in Real talk. We joke, but we really enjoy doing this and doing it to an audience that's so thoughtful and so intentional around the questions and just the conversations that you all have in the comments. I think that's the dopest thing in the world and I know I say it all the time, but really appreciate y'all. If you listen on Spotify or Apple or God knows where, keep listening man, refer this podcast to somebody you like, send a link to them and say, hey, listen to this today. We really appreciate that.

Repetitive Late Night Goodbye Farewell

Speaker 2 43:30

If you are listening on the podcast, can go to the sit down talkcom yes and then they have icons of any of your favorite streaming. Um what is it streaming? Platform streaming platforms like apple, spotify, iheart radio I think google has on amazon. All of them should show up all the joints um. So that's just the easiest way to just go in easiest and then, once you do, make sure you follow or subscribe or whatever the terminology is um just to keep getting those updates and when those podcasts come out for sure in addition to the youtube in addition to the youtube, yes, and if you watch and listen, I appreciate you.

Speaker 1 44:13

I've said that before. I've been saying that a lot. It's late, I'm tired. Thank y'all so much. Talk to y'all later. Bye, no more. 11 o'clock, sit down dogs.