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The Sit Down Talk with Kier & Noémie Gaines
"The Sit Down Talk" invites listeners into the heart of real, unfiltered discussions on love, life's trials, and the shared journey of growth. Hosted by Kier & Noémie Gaines, this vlog/podcast peels back the layers of relationships and parenting, uncovering the profound truths that lie in everyday moments. Engage with their deeply personal stories and insights, and find solace, inspiration, and a sense of community in the challenges and triumphs that define our shared human experience.
The Sit Down Talk with Kier & Noémie Gaines
Sharing Our Marriage Cheat Code: How We Got There and How It Made Us Better
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Join us in today’s episode as we delve into our relationship's cheat code: assuming positive intent. This mindset shift has transformed our approach to our interactions in our marriage, proving to be a game-changer. We're sharing real-life stories—the triumphs, challenges, and all the heartfelt moments in between—to highlight the importance of trust, open communication, and deeper understanding in relationships, whether with your partner, friends, or family.
We’ll explore the deep, late-night conversations, the raw emotions, and those trying moments that ultimately teach us valuable lessons. By choosing to see the best in each other, we've not only strengthened our love but enriched all our relationships. So, grab your headphones or find a cozy spot at home, and join us for a heart-to-heart discussion on the magic of positive intent and the joy it brings. Don’t miss out on this journey of growth, laughter, and discovering the power of love's "cheat code."
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Assuming Positive Intent in Relationships
Speaker 1Welcome back to the sit down talk podcast, where the conversation is like food at a cheesecake factory it's super consistent and it's always better. Than you remember, my name is Kare and I'm Noemi, and we welcome you.
Speaker 2So today's episode is a close one to our hearts. We're diving into the power of assuming positive intent in our marriage.
Speaker 1Yeah, we're going to share the times we got it right, the times we missed the mark, and how it is simple but kind of profound principle is transforming our journey together.
Speaker 2So, whether you're navigating love, friendship or family ties, join us as we explore how trusting in the good can really lead to deeper connections.
Speaker 1Are you ready to see love in a new light? I thought so. Let's get into it. Clap it up for you for being up in this joint, being up in the house tonight. This is like the third time we shot at night, right like the night time.
Speaker 2Yeah, it's a different days, that aren't? I mean, today was a busy day, but I had a lot of help, so it felt like I got a lot done, but I'm not drained that's the most important thing.
Speaker 1I don't like coming here tired. I like coming here full Same, because our people come here full of energy for us, so we got to get them that back.
Speaker 2Amen, you look great in white you know I like white man.
Speaker 1It's a nice little contrast.
Speaker 2It's something about white against his skin Like you look real and you got a haircut today.
Speaker 1Oh you know, this you know this, my hair look good thank you, yeah, it's um.
Speaker 2I'm becoming more of like a cream neutral off white kind of dude he used to wear bright colors all the time and there's nothing wrong with bright colors, not at all but I'm a neutral girl and it's just something about like you. Like you had this like brown sweatshirt.
Speaker 1It was like a chocolatey brown I still got that joint oh, it looks so good on you yeah, I got that, got that joint from Zara.
Speaker 2You look great in neutrals and especially in white. You look amazing in white. I'm going to start wearing topi, especially when you were in Turks and Caicos and you were the little Fashion Nova thing that I sent you.
Speaker 1Oh yeah, the white joint you keep saying offensive things about it but you look so good. Oh, I see, you just complained about it the whole time, or the fashion over you like, this joint is real cheap.
Speaker 2If it was cold outside I'd be. It was the cheap material, the wind was blowing and I felt warm and fine, I'm just okay this episode is not about fashion, though about outfits on vacation.
Speaker 1This episode is about something different. Do you want to intro that thing?
Speaker 2um, yes, but let's give a round of applause real quick for those of us, um those of y'all listening on the podcast oh yeah, we didn't mention that the sit down talk is officially on all podcast platforms.
Speaker 2Um, just look up either the Sit Down Talk or Kieran O'Amy Gaines. We should pop up in one of those searches. Just an FYI, it's not all of our episodes. If you want to see our older episodes, they are still on YouTube and those are vlogs, video blogs or whatever you want to call them, but the podcast this new season. I believe this is one of the first within the first five episodes, but we have those up.
Speaker 1Yeah, this will be the third episode on the podcast, I think.
Speaker 2Whatever it's new. It's just a couple of them up there, but stay tuned, we'll be uploading on a consistent basis and this will just be another chance for us to reach out to more people.
Speaker 1So I'm excited, I'm excited. I think we had 2000 downloads or something like that.
Speaker 2Something crazy.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, we doing all right, man.
Speaker 2This week's topic is kind of serious, but we're going to try to make it as fun and interesting as possible. But it's something that we just got to talk about and it's about assuming positive intent in your relationship Hard.
Speaker 1Difficulty level Ins man?
Speaker 2Yes, definitely high up there, but doable, but doable. So for those of you that are like, hmm, that sounds familiar but I don't know what you're talking about, it's probably because you work in corporate America and you probably had to take some HR or whatever workplace relationships course on assuming positive intent, relationships course on assuming positive intent. A lot of it is just with assuming positive intent with your coworkers who might say something crazy to you and your manager is usually going to say that to you. Like, on a team, we have to assume positive intent because it has all of these great benefits on a corporate team and unfortunately it also does in relationships, so we're going to have to bring some of that corporate knowledge and corporate thinking into our relationships.
Navigating Positive Intent in Relationships
Speaker 1Um, so yeah, that's where assume positive intent kind of comes in that sounds nasty on the surface, because you, when you think corporate, you just think nastiness, you think people clawing to climb on top of each other per my last email, passive aggression. Have to pretend that this person talking about their weekend is interesting and the whole oh yeah, you know using your work voice.
Speaker 2The high inflections at the end of your sentence.
Speaker 1Because the thing we have to do is we have to get more synergy.
Speaker 2Oh, not synergy.
Speaker 1Oh, synergy, I hate that word and ethos. Oh, the ethos. It's the ethos of our organization. Ethos of our organization, uh, not that part of corporate america, but I do think that the reason so many companies are largely successful is that corporate america does a good job of building foundations and language and community that works within the ecosystem, which is another word they use all the time, but it does work. It's and it works for helping people who have similar attainments. All work toward a common goal, which is, in essence, what a relationship is.
Speaker 2That sound is so corporate.
Speaker 1I had a lot of training.
Speaker 2Let's okay.
Speaker 1A lot of student loan debt.
Speaker 2And I know it sounding like that can be a turnoff, but I promise y'all we're going to, we're going to break it down and explain to you how we kind of got there.
Speaker 1Yeah, we're going to make it helpful though.
Speaker 2So it's not like when we came into this relationship. We're like you know what One of the things we're going to do is we're going to assume positive intent Hell. And even like no joke. When we were preparing for this conversation, he was like assume positive intent. And I'm like but you do it. He was like I do. I was like okay, and it was like come up with an example. And he was like all right, well, I might need a second, like I don't know. I promise it's something that you've thought about.
Speaker 1Why you make my voice sound like that.
Speaker 2I always do that. I always make. Make it like stupid man boy. No, no, no. Do I do a joint for you? Yes, because like this and then like you're just, you always use your hands and like maybe we have an itinerary, you see? No, you don't do that for me, I don't, I, I'm not here I can't record at night. I'm hey be serious you know, you know what it's serious, but I need to make it fun because it's feeling mad corporate.
Speaker 1Oh no, and listen, this was me in corporate America. Like I come to the table and everybody all serious, I'm like man. Y'all are real stiff, I'm going to be myself.
Speaker 2I'm trying to not be stiff.
Speaker 1Nah, you're not Trying to not be stiff.
Speaker 2Okay, let to not be stiff. Okay, let me just tell you where this came from, because y'all are probably like girl, what are you talking about? Okay, fine, get to the point, assuming positive intent came from corporate. Aside from, like the legal work that I used to do, I did a lot of like workplace relationship guides for lawyers, because lawyers are not fun. We don't know how to talk to people. Workplace relationships typically suck or architects you.
Speaker 1Lawyers architects sometimes, engineers usually, oh, absolutely Very tough. And accountants and accountants, yeah, those technical skilled jobs.
Speaker 2Usually the bedside manner isn't a priority there, Because that's not something to be considered. It's very black and white. It is or it isn't. It's not a well-decorated in that way. It doesn't leave room for that type of creativity. Um, it's not a well decorated in that way. It doesn't leave room for that type of creativity. Um.
Speaker 2But I created a lot of content, um, around, that lot of articles, blogs, things of that sort and assume positive intent is something that happened often, and especially within our team, whenever there were issues. That's the main thing that our manager always said assume positive intent on both ways, whether it's with your colleagues, whether it's with a colleague specifically that you might have issues with. You know what I mean. It's just this culture that they dig into you, and I recognize that it was something that was really difficult for me to do in my relationship with Kier and, like, once we kind of talked through those issues, got to the bottom of it, I realized you know, assuming positive intent with, in addition to a lot of the other things that you hear on corporate, are things to be inserted into your relationship. It just works.
Speaker 1For me, when I hear assume positive intent, before we jump into it, I think about how it doesn't work because it didn't work for us. It didn't. It doesn't work for a lot of people because, on one side, assuming positive intent means that you have to put into your mind that what this person is saying is not meant to be destructive or harmful or interfering or disruptive. It may be validating.
Speaker 1Yeah, that's invalidating is a huge one, belittling, like the. The intent isn't to make you feel that way, but there's something else in that message that is making you feel off as good intentions and landed as trauma inducing actions. So there's that. And two, you know the person on the other side doesn't always have positive intent for you. So at what point are you assuming something that doesn't exist and allowing a person to treat you a way that is unfair, which can also happen in your relationship? So it's not like a blind. Hey, always assume positive intent.
Speaker 1That's not what we're saying here, we're saying that within the confines of a relationship, it's really important to assume positive intent, but it's also very important for that other person to give you enough evidence to know that the positive intent is actually there. You can't just assume something that does not exist. I think that's a recipe for a relationship that's going to crash and burn really hard, so just that little bit of clarity before we jump in. I felt like that was important.
Speaker 2I just want to add and just something to consider before we kind of like really dive deep into the concept is, like, the reason why this is important, like what Kier said, absolutely right. You have to be able to decipher, like whether this isn't a situation where you are being smart and assuming positive intent but the goal is to get to a relationship where you can do that. If those questions, you know what I mean. Like the goal, there is no harm in working on your relationship so that you are comfortable. It is a true reflection, I guess, true reflection of where you are in your relationship. If you are in a place where both parties are able to do that, that's a good sign.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2So that's where we're trying to drive it home.
Speaker 1Or at least grow the capacity to be able to walk in that direction. That part Because we're still working on the positive intent. It's not perfect, but whenever you sit in here talking to us, like, divorce yourself from the idea of perfection. Yeah, there's a 10 out of. Like nobody is going to get an a plus in this class, it ain't that. It ain't that sometimes you'll see minus.
Speaker 2You passed, yeah, that's plenty good enough to move on. You know what I mean. That means you can move on. That means you can move on if you so please. You can build on top of it, you can go back and reference it. You can, it can, it can hold space in your relationship without weighing it down you show that you are competent enough in this particular category to move on to the next level yeah, you don't have to be number one you just got to make it through.
Speaker 1Yeah, you don't have to win a relationship. There's no winning a relationship say that one more time, please when people ask me that, do you really mean say it again?
Speaker 2or is it one of them tell?
Speaker 1them for the people in the back say it louder?
Speaker 2no, because I think I mean that's a whole another episode. What?
Speaker 1I was winning.
Assuming Positive Intent in Relationships
Speaker 2You said it's not about winning. You can't win in the relationship yeah, you can't win a relationship it's a lot of competition in relationships about who's the better partner, who makes the more sacrifices. It's not.
Speaker 1That's not or even within a relationship itself. Boo, there's times when people are trying to win against other couples. We've been to dinner with couples and they trying to out couple us and it's like, oh, they don't know, we don't care yeah, just know, we see and we talked about it on the way home, like, yeah, oh, we think about going on vacation next week. Oh, yeah, we think about going on vacation tomorrow. Oh, let's go?
Speaker 2yeah, we're going like you can't.
Speaker 1You can't try to impress somebody who doesn't care it's.
Speaker 2It's very hard. I feel like I saw you google what this positive intent mean well, I didn't, don't play with me like that? No, but I remember looking at the definition and thinking at the time like, oh, that's a good definition, so can you go back and paraphrase for the people in the back who's like girl? I still don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 1Well, I looked up good intentions. I found this article on Psychology Today about looking for good intentions, and it came up with three sub points. The three sub points were be aware and feel warmed by human kindness and buoyed by good intentions. And buoyed by good intentions uh, the second point is the brain's innate negativity bias continually scans for bad news and bad intentions, which is absolutely true.
Speaker 2Negativity bias is a piece, so it's a recency bias. What's a? Oh, because a situation that happened recently, yeah, your brain cleaves to the most recent situation.
Speaker 1So there's a lot of different recency bias. But in in terms of relationships, recency bias will look like if, for the last four months, whatever the thing you do that royally like hurts my feelings or pisses me off if you haven't done it, but in the last two days you've done it twice my brain makes it seem like you've been doing it the whole time it gives more weight to the most recent thing that happened, yeah, and our brains are wired for negativity.
Speaker 1That's why. That's why negative content resonates so well. That's why I get so much, so many uh hits. That's why the news will after a good story, they'll be like after the break 45 people die in a tragic accident. Learn how, what, and then you sit through the commercial break and then you're gonna learn how all those people die because that's what we do.
Speaker 1and the third thing is seeing good intentions amidst bad behaviors can help you feel less affected, less stressed, less irritated and less worried by other people, and that's the one that stuck out to me right there the most seeing good intentions amidst bad behaviors. I feel like that can go.
Speaker 2What are these three things again?
Speaker 1These are just key points that he's talking about in the article when it's looking for good intentions.
Speaker 2Okay, how to look for good intentions?
Speaker 1Yeah, the preface of his entire thing is seek good intentions and open yourself up to be aware of them, and there's a larger likelihood that you will accept them as what's going on with you in the moment.
Speaker 2Can I clarify something or pose a question?
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2So I remember just in my research, like seeking good intentions and assuming positive intentions are a little bit different. Oh, what's?
Speaker 1the difference, and I think it's in the verb the seeking and the assuming.
Speaker 2Seeking is to like find something. Assuming. That usually happens in the midst of like a conflict or a misunderstanding, when the actions and the words are telling my brain that this is like a mayday situation, but me, knowing the relationship that I have with that person, overriding those emotions and assuming that there is positive intent, despite what my body is telling me that it is.
Speaker 1I know that can get tricky. We talk I know we talk a lot about couples posting and humiliating each other online, but I know that can get tricky when you have a situation where you've told someone what your needs are or what you're comfortable with a great example with us is clothes in the middle of the floor or missing the hamper or something like that, which is a me thing in your mind you're like yo. I've said this before. I've been talking about this for years. If you wanted to, you would you know. If you wanted to change these things, you would. You're not because you don't want to, and I think that's where the assuming positive intent comes in All right, perfect, assuming positive intent.
Speaker 2And assuming positive intent is he doesn't care about the clothes. He doesn't. It's not a personal thing against me. If he's not doing it, it's because he can't get to it, not because he doesn't care. That it's important to me. That's what assuming positive intent is.
Speaker 1It's not making it personal. How does that differ from what your mindset was before? What was your mindset before? If?
Speaker 2that's the positive intent side. What was it before?
Speaker 1I asked him to do it, and he doesn't care, so he doesn't care that this affects me.
Speaker 2Okay, and that's the bottom joint. He doesn't care. He doesn't. He doesn't. I've told him multiple times to do it and he still doesn't do it. I told him that it bothered me and he still doesn't do it. If he still doesn't do it and he knows it bothers me that he doesn't care he doesn't care that this oh there's somebody listening to this who wants to punch me in the face so bad but assume positive intent means I'm basing my assumption on what I know about my relationship with this person versus what the actions and words say.
Navigating Relationship Challenges With Communication
Speaker 2The actions and words say he doesn't care. My relationship with you says it's not something that bothers him. He's aware that it bothers me and he's just working on on finding a way to make that work. You know what I mean. Like it's it's taking that like it's not. He's not doing it to hurt me. It does hurt me. We've talked about that. We've we've accepted it Whatever. We know that that's the case. But he's not doing it on purpose to hurt me.
Speaker 1You said something that's important. You said find a way to make it work, and I think that's true for our relationship. Is it perfect now? Nah, my closet compared to hers is still a mess, but it's not the same issue we had a couple of years ago, and it has improved.
Speaker 1But there's a time thing. There's a time of patience and a necessity thing. When something bothers you, especially like clutter bothers you, there's a necessity thing. When something bothers you, especially like clutter bothers you, there's a necessity button in your brain that just get hit like. This needs to be fixed now. I'm not comfortable. This ain't how I rock. These ain't my standards, this ain't it. It needs to be changed now and that was my reaction.
Speaker 2Would you agree?
Speaker 1it was, and I and I don't think that's illogical. I feel like that's a logical train of thought.
Speaker 2But it's not conducive to partnership in a relationship, because you're not the only person in a relationship.
Speaker 1So it's two part and I hope I'm not tripping over how we're going to move through this drink, because I know you got some good points. That's just, it's not conducive. No one's going to do what you want them to do, how you want them to do it, when you want them to do it, in the amount of time that you think it should take to be done. But on the other side, because that's not something that's native to you or that's not something that you prioritize as much as your partner does, it doesn't mean you can just completely ignore and not try to get better at that thing. Completely ignore and not try to get better at that thing. So one person has to develop expectations that give enough room for grace for change over a long period of time, because humans take a long time to change. And on the other side, the person who is, you know, committing the clothes on the floor, the clothes offenses that part, the clutter offenses you.
Speaker 1You have to work continuously to just be I'm not even gonna say better, but be different with it. Find a system that works for you. Maybe try different ways of going. Maybe the hamper, or maybe I can just throw all this shit in the closet and shut the door, like it's just about finding ways that works for the way that your brain operates. That's why partnership is so hard. Dog, it's two people juggling on a unicycle with a blindfold at the same time.
Speaker 2It's just such a ridiculous balance in that um, can I offer a practical example, because I feel like a lot of people are probably looking at this, but like since, how are you okay? Like, because I don't. I don't like clutter either. How did you like?
Speaker 1what did it look like?
Speaker 2And I think um, when you were talking about like it takes effort on the person making the clutter offenses A few things that cure kind of. Does that help me get to a place where I would say, when it comes to the clothes, for the most part I think I assume positive intent all the time, like I don't think I assume positive intent all the time, like I don't think I've really been tripping on you. You know if it does get crazy. I'd be like babe, we got to do something about it.
Speaker 2Am I okay to say that Like I haven't like flipped out on you about like clothes lately?
Speaker 1What you mean when you say you're okay to say it. Is it true for me to say oh, that you haven't flipped out on me. Yeah, about clothes, just going psycho about it yeah, I just I know you better so I can read the cues and I'm like, oh my shit, and that's where I'm about to go to it.
Speaker 2I feel like with me assuming positive intent, because my body, face and reactions will show that I'm frustrated. One of the things that Keir has done as a result of me assuming positive intent is he also gives me the room to vent. So, instead of like their clothes're closed everywhere, you don't pick up your shit and I'm mad. It's like damn, babe, I feel like the house is, you know, getting a lot of clutter and I feel out of it. Can we schedule a day Like assuming positive intent takes the blame away from him and now I'm able to talk to him about an issue that's not focused on him. Now that he knows it's not focused on him, now that he knows it's not focused on him, he's in a better position to want to help because you don't have your fight or flight response.
Speaker 1I don't feel like I need to defend myself the same way, and even though we're using this example of me being the person that is the culprit of the thing that happened, like this for one, it's not just one thing. We have many of these things in our relationship where she has not a problem. I hate to say it like that, but let's sit down and talk when she has a problem with the way that I do it, and then, in inverse, I have things where I have a problem with the way that she does it. We both battle with this thing in different categories together, so it's not just a one-sided affair. It's usually both partners have different things that they can highlight in this whole thing were you feeling like you were attacked or something?
Speaker 2nah?
Speaker 1nah, nah, it's just. I just want to make it clear that it's not a one-sided thing, because every time I hear this, it's like the person who will be in your position. They don't always understand that. It's like, even though they have a problem with the way their partner does these things, like the partner also has a problem with the way that they do certain things, and it's just understanding that you both are in that position just gives more room for grace on each side for me is there a time when I had to assume positive and do you feel like you assume positive intent with me?
Speaker 2yeah, do you feel like you always have? No so when did that change?
Unspoken Assumptions in Relationships
Speaker 1I think, man, it keeps going back to me knowing you more. I got to see you in similar situations that don't have anything to do with me. So I can pick up a pattern of just how you operate, like if you have a similar beef with a friend, how you maneuver through that If you have a similar beef with a family member.
Speaker 2Yeah, you know me well. Yeah, well, okay, I have a better example. I mean a better example, I mean a better question. So tell me about a time where you assumed a negative intent and you were wrong I'll be assuming you have an attitude sometimes, you don't?
Speaker 1it kind of just happened I thought you had an attitude, yeah but you know that I'm just.
Speaker 2I'm just really like I. I skipped the place where just my brain skips, the place of giving people social cues in my mind. Like I don't have to give you social, like you know what I mean. Like I don't. I just feel like that is such a fake way. It's kind of like, though, you walking down the street and you see somebody you're like you know, and it's like we all do it. But like in my most intimate relationships, like that's where I feel like I don't have to. So it comes across as very um blank sometimes, but it's just like I'm a faking this shit all day, like I'm. I have nothing to give at this point hey, that's, that's and I feel safe with you.
Speaker 2So I feel comfortable not having to fluff that's legit. You're the only person in the world that I can do that with.
Speaker 1That's legit. The only problem is when there ain't no social cues to pick up on. You kind of left a wonder. That's why I just asked you.
Speaker 2It's not on purpose, it's really not on purpose, it's just. But I know this now.
Speaker 1I did not know this year one year two year three, year four. I know this year four but around year three, when we was really struggling, it was me trying to figure out that little piece you just thought I was a cold face killer.
Speaker 1I just I couldn't understand. It felt like if I made a joke on Monday, you'd be like, ha, that's funny. If I made a joke on Tuesday that same joke you'll be like I don't get it. And if I made that same joke on Thursday, on any Thursday, any of these days, you'd be like that's offensive. I cannot believe.
Speaker 2You just said that because jokes aren't funny every day. You know like. But think about, think about some of the jokes like they're not always funny, considering what else is happening like in the world, in my life. Like shit could have been funny on Monday, but then the shit happened to me on Tuesday and it's not funny anymore on Wednesday.
Speaker 1I hear you. I just I ain't got no LCD screen to give me a read and I never know what I'm flying into, so I don't.
Speaker 2I ask questions because I don't want to assume and be wrong so yeah, do you have an example of when, or is that it that I just have an attitude?
Speaker 1that's so plain.
Speaker 2I want it to be an example of like when you assumed a negative intent, it turned into an issue and you were wrong, because if you were to assume positive intent, it wouldn't have been an issue.
Speaker 1You know people trying to point out the time when they were wrong is hard. I never really felt like you were trying to like you out to get me or anything like that.
Speaker 2I can think of an example.
Speaker 1I don't know if I ever felt like your intentions were bad. Give it to me.
Speaker 2It's still tender.
Speaker 1Oh God, you love bringing up the tenders.
Speaker 2Well, I mean we're digging deep in the relationship.
Speaker 1Let's do it.
Speaker 2Let's do it, you sure.
Speaker 1Yeah, what you got.
Speaker 2So it stems from pregnancy, the first pregnancy with E. It stems from pregnancy, the first pregnancy we and when you were kind of like struggling with the news and how it would affect your life and you just assumed that I was making decisions without you in mind, like it just, you just assumed very like selfish thinking, yeah yeah and um that's a good example.
Speaker 2I was dead wrong, you were wrong and I feel like if we were to have, if a real conversation back then about how we both were feeling and what considerations I had and the things that I was like thinking about, that that would have solved a lot of like the years long issue. I mean we're good now, but it took years to get over that. You know what I mean, and not just because of time, but because we had to have a lot of like the years long issue. I mean we're good now, but it took years to get over that. You know what I mean, and not just because of time, but because we had to have a lot of conversations, work through some things. There were some negative assumptions on your part about me and where I stood, about those decisions. So like that's the biggest example that stands out to me.
Speaker 2Nah, I think you 100% right you want to talk about that a little bit yeah.
Speaker 1I assume that you really just did not care about me or my wellbeing at all. I assume that you didn't care about my future, you didn't care about my fears, you didn't care about any of that and I assumed that for a very long time, for years. And yeah, that was a wrong assumption and I think that the thing that blocked me from even being able to acknowledge not just how it affected you, but where your mind was and I felt like my shit was too big and I was just dealing with it and it was in my face and I couldn't see anything past it. It took me years to even acknowledge how much you had to sacrifice, how much you lost when this thing happened to us collectively. You had to sacrifice how much you lost when this thing happened to us collectively. I don't think I could assume positive intent. I didn't know you enough. I feel like positive intent needs some some meat on the bone.
Speaker 2Yeah, it needs some hold on to. Yeah, it need a foundation. It does, it does I don't know.
Speaker 1If you remember I think will smith said this quote. I think it was about I was another older couple man, a black older couple, and they asked I maybe said this quote. I think it was about I was another older couple man, a black older couple, and they asked I maybe said this before in the sit down talk, so forgive me if I did. But they asked Will and Jada, like you know how long y'all been together? And they said I don't know 15, 20 years. And they asked the old couple how long y'all been together and they said, oh, like 50 years or something like that. And they said don't worry, y'all just don't know each other yet yeah, I'm like I remember that these people been married for 20 some odd years and you telling them they still don't know each other yet.
Speaker 1And then I got married.
Speaker 2I was like ah yeah, and we've been together for almost 10 years now. Is it 10? What year? It'll be 10 next year it'll be 10. Next year, together for 10 years, yeah man, this is my longest relationship. This is my longest relationship by far.
Speaker 1Yeah, by far. And the thing is, it's not so much that you don't know the person in my mind, it's just that the person changes. So much.
Speaker 2The person doesn't even know the person yet they haven't settled. They haven't really settled into who they are. They haven't settled. They haven't really settled into who they are. There are rituals and routines and like things that are consistent, but they're not fully there yet.
Speaker 1Yeah, it's like when a butterfly come out the cocoon, the wings got to dry and solidify before they can fly away.
Speaker 2But you can still get an idea of what it's going to look like.
Speaker 1It's just not there yet you can get a whiff, and either that whiff is going to get you closer to the top of the mountain or closer to the edge of the cliff. That's what makes relationships hard you don't really know where it's going.
Speaker 2So, going back to the example, then, like, at what point was it that you acknowledge that you were wrong in that assumption? Like, was there a moment? Did something happen?
Speaker 1I think when we decided, damn we, very now, I think when we decided to have Sydney, can I share? I think when we decided, damn we, very now, I think when we decided to have Sydney, I think that's what changed, do you know why, like that was a monumental moment for me. Why? What was?
Speaker 2when we decided to have Sydney. I don't know that we've had this conversation like ever, definitely not on the sit down talk but do you know I needed you to make that decision. I felt blamed for so many years, like even after he was born. Like I just felt not like directly, but just that tinge of like that's something that we haven't talked about and that's a feeling that I felt like blame and I knew that having a second kid would be a lot. That's why, anytime we had that conversation, I'm like babe, like it's up to you. You know what I mean. That's why, anytime we had that conversation, I'm like babe, like it's up to you. You know what I mean. And it's like I I knew I couldn't take feeling blamed again when I knew I had good intentions. You know what I mean. Like I knew I couldn't deal with that. I knew I wanted to expand our family. Yeah, but it wasn't worth revisiting that pain point yeah just for the sake of having another kid.
Speaker 2Like I needed to know that, like we were good to go yeah and when we did decide we were, and that was, that was a happy moment because, like I felt like I got the expansion of our family that you know I wanted, but then, like we were both excited about it and that's just something that we didn't experience the first time. In the same way, like, of course, there was a point where we were just like we're excited yeah, and it wasn't all bad.
Speaker 1There were moments this was just when we first found out like this was the initial shock of an unplanned pregnancy, but like there is a difference that initial moment there is and I think you were blamed. I think I did blame you you did.
Speaker 2I just don't want people to hear like I was blamed and miss like the full breadth of why. Because I think that there are people who think that women trap them, and that's basically where I'm going, yeah. I want it to be clear that it's not a you trap me type of situation. It was just the timing was really off.
Speaker 1It was really the grieving of a life that on my side. I feel like I've worked so hard to finally get back on track, and then it got derailed. And then you know it's the crowd. You know, if you lay down.
Speaker 2You got to take care of the responsibilities. We didn't expect it to happen like that.
Speaker 1We know, and that's why we handle business the way that we did. But that doesn't mean you can't feel the way that you feel. And what I was going to say is I did blame you and I and I know, I apologize for it a million times and I'll tell you now. I'm still really sorry about that. I wish, I wish I had the faculties to do that a different way.
Speaker 2I wish I was in a different place. What's up, bianca? Never mind, it's OK.
Speaker 1If you're watching the YouTube, I just crept down real quick to get some melatonin for Emery. Probably One of the biggest mistakes I made was believing that because I didn't allow the blame to come out the way, that it felt in my heart that I was doing more than I actually was. Making sure you didn't feel that at all, Because I'm like man this on 100. You getting 25 today, considering yourself lucky, I not saying that.
Speaker 2But yeah, I felt it and I did consider myself lucky because I knew how you really felt and I knew that you were walking on eggshells, but I still knew how you really felt and it was a discussion that we could never have so how, how are you able to go from that like real talk, how you able to go from unplanned Like real talk?
Speaker 1How are you able to go from unplanned pregnancy? This man, I feel like this man hate me. You know he blaming me for this thing. It's not feeling fair, it's not feeling right to assume a positive intent. What did you see in me that gave you enough to say all right, maybe we can make something work, maybe we can make something work.
Speaker 2One of the things that I'm really really good at is putting myself in somebody else's situation and humanizing their feelings. Even though I felt blamed, I understood why you felt that way and why that was a block for you.
Speaker 1I understood why that was a block for you, even though you did, you agree, did you like, outside of you understanding? Were there any other?
Speaker 2conflicted feelings that went along with that. Yeah, I mean, the whole concept was conflicting, because I felt the same way that you felt, but because of my life experiences, I had no other choice. Of course, I knew that you didn't have the same considerations that I had. My moment was about me and your moment was about you. While I think that, yeah, like it would have been helpful for us to have an honest conversation about it, but we didn't know each other that long, we didn't know each other that well, I didn't blame you, I understood, but I also felt like let me just keep it a thousand Like we were having a kid with each other. Like, whether I thought you were justified in that feeling or not, I still had to co-parent with you and I still had to come from a place of understanding. Like, if I was going to, if I was going to deal with you, that's something that I knew, that I had to understood, cause, like I understood, I understood.
Speaker 2I do feel like I had every right to respond, in a way Like it's not my fault, like I had every right to do that, but like I don't think that would have been the right way to handle that situation, considering the fact that we were having this child, we decided that we were going to be together and we had to figure it out.
Speaker 2Had we not, had we decided not to figure out our relationship, that wouldn't have been something that I felt like I had to do, you know, but I did feel like we would come around eventually. You know, I did feel like, if we're establishing our relationship, our relationship now, like towards the end of the pregnancy, was stronger than it had ever been. You know what I mean. Yeah, we were going through regular people trying to figure out how to live with each other, like drama, but there was at least something about our relationship that felt sustainable, so where I felt like we can get there, but like it really just comes down to like I didn't disagree with how you felt. I felt the same exact way as you.
Navigating Relationships With Positive Intent
Speaker 1And I didn't disagree with how you felt. Once the dust settled, I realized and I think I was too mad to admit this- to myself, but I knew it existed in my mind. If I was you, I wouldn't have done nothing different. I wouldn't have done nothing different. And I'm not sure if I wanted any of the alternatives. I think in the moment you just you scared man and you don't have what you need to make a good decision.
Speaker 2This got deep, but in a good way yeah.
Speaker 1I agree we were at the whole. Yeah, I agree we rabbit hole.
Speaker 2Listen, it's really not because we're giving practical examples, like we were talking around the issue for a minute and now, like I think people can relate, that's what it looked like.
Speaker 1Sometimes what I was going to say is on the sit down talk. Sometimes we're doing a podcast, sometimes I just sitting through a check in with me and my wife.
Speaker 2That's basically what just happened, and we about to continue.
Speaker 1Yeah, and let me just say man Emery, like I know she's going to see this content one day and I'm fine with her seeing the content, I'm fine with her knowing how she started, because that little girl is the love of our life.
Speaker 2Man, the love of our life. She's the reason why you see us today in this way.
Speaker 1Yeah, absolutely she.
Speaker 2Just man, she I'll get emotional if I talk about her too much.
Speaker 2Man, she really changed our life in a really really good way at a really really hard time for both of us, and she just continues to prove to be that person in our relationship moving forward amazing person like six years into parenting her almost, and she still gives us that spark in our love and in our relationship, the same way that she did when she announced her presence light in our relationship with ourselves, which help us get to a place where Kira and I are in a place where we can give each other grace and do things like assume positive intent and like really do the work on our relationship, because she is the representation of that in our lives.
Speaker 1She is. She's the embodiment of that, and I love her. I can't, I'm a crap.
Speaker 2I talk about her too much. Man that's his baby.
Speaker 1Man that's my baby, she told me love in a completely different language.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1I feel like we sold that up, man, that part of positive Seeing that shit is hard. And also, when you came into the relationship you came in with luggage that I ain't know nothing about and at the time you didn't really fully understand about and at the time you didn't really fully understand.
Speaker 2I thought I was over. I thought I came to him more ahead than I thought I was. I thought I was way more ahead, like even though I wasn't ready for the relationship, like I knew how to be in a relationship. I didn't know nothing, man, I know a little bit you know a little bit. You knew more than me but I didn't know as much as I thought I should know at that point yeah, I.
Speaker 1I think you were blinded by your like. Your future was so bright. I don't think you were fully aware of how your past still has some strings on you. But you came into the relationship with your past. I came with mine, and it's hard to assume positive intent when positive intent wasn't something that was given to you in a previous experience.
Speaker 2That's similar to this, or if assuming positive intent got you burnt in your relationship and the reason why that relationship don't work. Now, like you can't give everybody your positive intent, can I speak on that real quick? You can't assume positive intent out of everybody.
Speaker 1You can't, you can't. And if you're with somebody who constantly disappoints you or who constantly proves to you that their intent isn't positive, I think we need to touch on that a little bit too because how to see, how to how to, what are the things to look out for and what are the green flags and the red flags?
Navigating Green Flags in Relationships
Speaker 1Well, I'll tell you this One thing that I assume when people have those behaviors, if it's if we're embarking on a romantic relationship and I feel like the things you do ain't good for me and you don't have positive intent, I walk into this relationship knowing that if I choose you, there's a likelihood that that will never change. Am I OK with this relationship if that thing right there never changes? Because you know, know you can talk yourself into oh, it'll change, it'll be better, we love each other. The sun will come out tomorrow, and then you five, six, seven years in, and that thing don't change and you're waiting for something that's not likely to come to you. And then what happens is, once you finally escape the grasp of that relationship, you start to do this thing we call over practicing and some people call it overcompensating or overcorrection. Overcorrection is if you miss a spot painting your nail and instead of just painting on one strip, you paint your whole damn hand.
Speaker 1So what will happen is you've endured that behavior from that person for a long enough time to where you've built this muscle to say you know what I'm leaving, I'm leaving that entire experience and I'm going to never let anybody do that to me again. But you overpractice it and you may become hypervigilant I think I mentioned this in the previous sit down talk where a person's not trying to do that thing to you again, but it feels that way. So you hop into that mode and it can really keep you away from a lot of potential love in your life, not just romantic, but friend love is that the recency bias that you were talking about?
Speaker 2is that similar to that?
Speaker 1it feels like it's a different thing. It's a different thing because it doesn't have recency, hinges on the order that things happen, and this is just like. I have too many deposits of this thing in my bank, um, and I want to ensure that I never see it again, so I'm gonna go far and beyond the call of duty to make that happen got it?
Speaker 2no, that makes sense yeah, man, it's unfortunate so just to touch on that and then like what are things that you saw in me? Green flags yeah, like let's talk about that yeah that situation specifically outside of just the time.
Speaker 1I think, I think one green flag is the capacity for self-reflection. Even if the person can't admit that they're wrong in the moment, they can move away from whatever point that they're trying to make far enough to see that their perspective isn't the only one. I think that's huge if someone can be, if someone can think about the way that they think, even if it's not in the midst of argument, if, if it comes back a day later, a week later, and say you know what I thought about what I said, or I thought about what I did, and now they have a different ideology or a different approach, and I think that's very helpful. Yeah, a capacity for self-reflection.
Speaker 2What you think is one um, I think is um, just somebody's ability it's kind of in line with that, but somebody's ability to listen without getting defensive. I think that in this particular situation, I didn't use the opportunities where you were kind of telling me how you felt to also justify how I felt. I listened. You know what I mean and I think that that's a huge one right there.
Speaker 2In this particular situation, I also had a right to say hey, me too, I feel this way too. It's not just you. You know what I mean. I could, I would have been within my right to do that, but that is a defensive move, that's a move to justify my feelings, as opposed to affirming his feelings and saying like, by the way, I'm here to listen. You know whether? Yeah, I mean, and I think that's something that we both do- I got one.
Speaker 1It's in line with the whole self-reflective thing. I think the ability for somebody to realize that there's a different way to approach this conflict in the moment, even if they are stuck on their way, just the ability to recognize maybe there's a different way to find a solution here, I think that's a huge green flag because it demonstrates flexibility to me. And flexibility is a key component to any successful relationship successful relationship.
Speaker 2I think just it's kind of veering off a bit, but I think it's worth it to say like I think being solution oriented is definitely very hard in relationships in general period but I think in this particular situation is beneficial because it's like we are focusing on solving the problem, not making me look better or getting you to admit something bad you know what I mean.
Speaker 1You just made me think of another one.
Speaker 2I finished your point yeah, and I just think that, like it's okay to be solution oriented when you're finding solution to problems that have existed in your relationship for a long time. There's a time and place to emotionally vent, but there should also be a time and place for you to solve the issues. It's not just about venting, it's not just about getting shit off your chest, it's not just about having the other person understand what they did to you and how they hurt you. It's also understanding that you've made the decision that you want to move forward in this relationship with that person and you have to give them that chance. You can't have it both ways. You can't make the person feel bad but then expect them to and then want to stay in a healthy relationship. It's tough. It's tough and like we'll talk about more of the green flags as we go, but like the purpose of having a healthy relationship is to have a healthy relationship. It's not to have the perfect relationship.
Speaker 1It's not to have the fairy tale. It's not to have the fairy tale. That's so simple but so profound yeah but I mean.
Speaker 2Healthy means disagreements. Healthy means you know what I mean Not saying things right every time.
Speaker 1For sure.
Speaker 2Healthy means like going through some type of turmoil, Like we are humans and we do shit and we go through shit. So it's just like it's the work that makes it healthy and it's the work that makes it suck sometimes, but like if the point is to be in a healthy relationship, you got to do the work. If you want a fairy tale, then go be a sugar baby or something.
Speaker 1Sugar baby is wild.
Speaker 2You know what I mean, but like you don't have to deal with the ins and outs of the relationship in that same way, that's what you want. I mean that's cool. Like that is cool for some people, but we're not in that kind of relationship.
Speaker 1Nah, and I think it's also what you're used to, what you've seen growing up. There's so many things that play a factor here. I thought of another green flag when you were talking. I think a person's ability to back off at a point without feeling like they lose in power is a huge green flag. I mean, even growing up a lot of our parents. You know they'll say something and they'll be dead wrong.
Speaker 2Double down on it.
Speaker 1They double down on it because to admit to your child, who is your subordinate, that who is not your equal, that you were wrong, you lose power or leverage, and that's a human thing People feel like. Just to admit that there may be a crack in their armor man, there may be a flaw in their logic Makes you feel like you're losing power. If you could say I may be wrong, but you know that your toes are planted firmly still on the ground, I think that's a huge green flag man. That means that we got something to work with.
Speaker 1You're not gonna argue with me for the sake of arguing with me at some point you're gonna try to help me, or at some point you're gonna try to work with me to figure this thing out.
Speaker 2Yeah, I don't want to argue with you, I'm arguing with everybody, I don't want to argue with you, I'm happy I think those are like really really good, like green flags. I feel like it really just boils down to like trust, communication and grace, because shit's not always gonna look sweet. Your partner's gonna say something, do something. You're gonna be like for real happens all the time but yeah, trust, communication, grace, like.
Speaker 2I just feel like those are the fundamental tenets that we at least like showcase in our relationship. And if you were to look at all of the arguments and just the issues that we've talked about on the sit down talk, it always came down to those three things being the things that kind of got us through, those three things being the things that kind of got us through.
Speaker 1You also got to remember, even when you're the person who's upset, like your approach matters. Your approach matters People not feeling blamed and accused matters. When you come in with blaming and accusing or accusatory language, it's very. Even when you're not that person anymore, you'll find that it's very hard for people to see you as anything but a blamer or an accuser definitely transitions into your relationship. So I know the language seems kind of soft sometimes when you start a sentence with like babe, I'm upset but I'm not mad at you, and here's the thing that I'm upset about.
Speaker 1But what some people do is they fly in with this is what you just did to piss me off. This is what you just did to upset me off. This is what you just did to upset me. And once you hear that you part. Yeah, it's hard to hear anything else around that. So what I would do is, if I come in, if something really bothered me that Noemi did, I think, while assuming positive intent, the first thing I'll do is just try to figure out what she's saying past, how what she said made me feel. What is the issue here? The second thing I do is try not to try to figure it out or understand it, or I'm right there with you.
Speaker 1Nah, I'm probably not going to agree with you, but I don't need to agree with you. I just need to understand what's going on with you. Agree with you, I just need to understand what's going on with you. And I think the third thing is have a conversation about it, not always solution oriented, but just ask questions and questions. I ask is this something that just happened, or is this based off of something that happened before? Because her brain compartmentalizes differently than mine. With me, it could be a hundred little different things and they don't really touch or intersect each other. With her, it's like nah, that same space is one big efficiency apartment and all that shit has something to do with something else.
Speaker 1I will never see the world the way she does, but if I waited to see the world the way that she does to help work through a solution, man, some of the problems that stem from 10 years ago would still be as big, if not bigger, today, and I don't want that man. I want peace, not problems always.
Speaker 2I don't want that. Yeah, and here it's called assume positive intent, not assume where the other person is coming from. You know what I mean? I think we do, especially in like arguments. We spend a little bit too much time trying to find connections where connections don't exist, because it's not our emotion. So for Kier to come to me telling me about how he feels or doing something, I think we give too much credit in connecting your partner's actions with your feelings all the time. I just don't think it always is connected.
Speaker 2I don't have to assume what your mind told you to do when you said that. I just have to assume that you didn't mean to hurt me, but this shit kind of hurt.
Speaker 1Yeah, there's a difference between something that's meant to hurt you and something that hurts you. But it wasn't intended to do that. You know, those two things are two totally different.
Speaker 2And I feel like the best thing to do in that situation is something that I do that has been like highly effective for me. Emotionally is like that made me feel kind of you know whatever.
Speaker 1Like do you say it in a moment or do you sit on it for a little?
Speaker 2bit. I say it in. Well, it depends. It depends on how strong I feel. If it's something that just kind of hurt a little bit, I'll say it in the moment because I know it's something that I can emotionally handle, because it's not something that bothered me that much. If it's something that bothered me a lot, now I have to sit and think about it, because that means I was triggered and I have to figure out what I was triggered by, because that most likely is the reason why I'm upset, versus what it is that you said.
Speaker 2It's kind of like Kier used this example in one of his speeches years ago and it was about, um, a pebble in your shoe and it's like you feel it and it's kind of uncomfortable, but after a while you kind of get used to it, but what you don't realize is the effect of it on your back. You know what I mean and like you don't address it. It's not something that's at the top of your mind, but it's something that is affecting you, and it's affecting you worse and worse the longer it goes unaddressed, and then that's why people implode. I mean, that's at least, why I implode is because it's those small things that I don't necessarily address in the moment and, like he said, my brain is like an efficiency apartment. Now that pebble is connected to everything. It's connected to the argument that we just had this morning and it's not actually, but because I didn't address it, it's now intertwined with some of the big stuff, you know what?
Speaker 2I mean, and it's like I was a heavy dog byler the minute I had the opportunity to lay out my grievances, they all came out, you know, and I just I'm not.
Speaker 1I'm no different. I'm no different yeah, we just.
Processing Emotions and Communication in Relationships
Speaker 2Maybe we just respond to things differently because you implode, I explode yeah, I implode, I implode, you explode yeah I wish I, I wish I could explode like I wish I could not no, because you hold too much in yo like like I can't even cry like. It's so hard for me to externally express my feelings because I'm so used to holding them inside. I still don't know how your brain is trained to do that.
Speaker 1I'm just better at talking about it.
Speaker 2That's the thing I can say even today. Today was a tough day for me. I remember saying multiple times if I could, I would cry. Right now it was a moment that I felt like crying about. Even right now I still feel like crying about. I'm just not a crier Like my body, just it doesn't do those things. But it doesn't mean I don't feel it, I just process it differently. I wish I could outwardly process my emotions better. I just I try. I just can't fake it. My brain doesn't work that way.
Speaker 1I think that's a gift and a curse.
Speaker 2It's definitely a gift. I definitely acknowledge the positive in that, but it just sucks. When you're on a mental health journey and you're in consistent therapy, you're talking about your feelings and like the only thing you can do is write about them because you can't out.
Speaker 1That's the only way that you can outwardly express it yeah, that's why some people use music or movies to process their feelings we had this man. We're really strained, but you're not a young find an outlet you know how the young dudes be having their phone blaring? They don't got no like if you catch public transportation and you in the city you're gonna find a young dude on the bus or something listening to mba young boy or something and it's gonna be loud and he gonna no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1And then I'm gonna be loud and he going no, no, no, no, no. And then I'm going to kill him and no, no, no, no, no, no, crying these tears on my life. Listen to Rod wave or something like that, and there are a lot of studies that a lot of young men process their feelings through music. That's true. People got to listen to a song, the crowd listen to a song to really capture the emotion you feeling.
Speaker 2Are we landing this plane?
Speaker 1Yeah song to really capture the emotion you feeling are we landing this plane?
Speaker 2yeah, we gotta, we gotta do one last thing before we land I think we did a really good job at recognizing landing this plane is corporate talk.
Speaker 2I mean, we've said it multiple times. Are we landing this plane? Um, to land the plane. If you're an og uh listener or watcher, uh, let me know which episode it is that we we had a whole conversation about landing this plane. Like that was episode it is that we we had a whole conversation about landing this plane, like that was like a thing that we said often and I thought it was so cool back then.
Speaker 2Now I think it's just corny but, anyway, before we land this plane or end this conversation, um, what I was about to say is I think we did a really good job at identifying, like green flags you can look online enough for the red flags like they're everywhere.
Speaker 1Negativity bias, they're definitely everywhere.
Speaker 2You have to go far no, and it's like remember, our intention is always to share the real, but to also give practical tips. So in the spirit of that, I also want to talk a little bit about like things that we can do to get us to a place where we can assume positive intent. Look at the transition. It was good, I did it. You know, something that you can do to get you to a place where you can assume positive intent. I've talked about this before in a sit down talk Maybe I don't know, but we're going to revisit it.
Speaker 1We just kind of went on a tangent.
Speaker 2Yeah, we kind of went on a tangent about this. But I do struggle with like outwardly expressing my emotions, and writing is something that I do. So when I'm in a situation where I'm struggling to assume positive intent or something just feels kind of funny and I know I have to have that conversation in order to move forward, I write down how I feel in the moment. Usually, in those moments where I said it's not those little pebble moments, it's the big moments where I need a second, I go ahead and write down how I feel, even in anger. I'd write exactly how I feel.
Speaker 2I write the assumptions, that the negative assumptions that I do have, you know, I just kind of air it out and then I sit on it for a bit, maybe, maybe a couple of minutes, maybe a couple of days, it just kind of depends on where I'm at I go back and I reread it and I start to delete the things that I started to say out of anger, because now that it's been a couple of days or a couple of minutes, whatever, now that I've had some time to think about it, I can take out the anger and try to get to the root of the problem Once I get to the root of the problem.
Speaker 2My next deciding thing is is it here or is it something else? And if it's something else, I still address it with you, but it's a different way. Instead of saying hey, babe, yesterday you said X, y and Z, I say, hey, babe, this thing from my past is really bothering me. Can I talk to you about it? Because I don't have to bring up what you did, because it wasn't about you, but it was clearly about the issue Knowing when it's a you thing yes.
Speaker 1That's insane work.
Speaker 2But it starts with doing the work yourself. A lot of people want to fix their relationships, but don't realize that they have to work on themselves first.
Speaker 1Oh, that's the whole. That's absolutely. And couples counseling. One of the first things I tell people is y'all both need to be an individual therapy for this to be the most effective that it can be.
Speaker 2Yeah, and I individual therapy for this to be the most effective that it can be. Yeah, and I think you're right. Um, and then the second thing I was about to say was, when it's not when it is about you, how do I address it? When it is about you? That's when I find an opportune moment, like for you, where we're sitting, where we're talking about something, where we're no longer arguing, or I can say like hey, babe, I kind of want to talk to you about something. Do you have a minute? Or you want to talk about it later? I think in the history of our relationship we're at a place where we don't really go off on each other. You know what I mean. So it's not like do you want me to yell at you now? Do you want me to yell at you?
Speaker 1later.
Speaker 2It's more of a do you have the emotional capacity to have this conversation with me right now? Emotional capacity to have this conversation with me right now? And if you don't right now, there's a conversation that I do want to have. So can you let me know when you have the capacity for?
Speaker 2it I do that with you. Granted, it doesn't look exactly like that, but I'm trying to break it down for y'all so that you can find a way to make it your own it makes it an easier conversation to have, because I think over time I developed the thicker skin.
Speaker 1So because sometimes I am the problem? It is me, and there are times where I appreciate the directness. I'd rather know something uncomfortable now than you sit on something because you believe that you know you have to come at me in a perfect way, or there's some statue of limitations in our relationship where, after a certain amount of time, you're not allowed to talk about something that bothered you in the past. I think that's a ridiculous stipulation in a relationship.
Speaker 2I agree.
Speaker 1But also if something happened three years ago and you never said anything about it, I think you need to keep it in your mind that, even though you're coming in hot because you're still angry about this thing, this is something that the other person hasn't thought about in three years.
Speaker 2Not saying it's not valid, what you think, feel and believe, just saying that you have to approach it like you got a three-year-old plate of food that you're presenting to everyone and not you know something that's hot and fresh off the bar like it is in your mind, um, but make sure the person that you're having that conversation with has those green flags that we talked about before, because in those situations it's easier for you to give grace as being that person, Like it's all intertwined.
Speaker 2I just don't want people to take this advice and write it down on a list and do it. So I'm going to tell you that will not work, that ain't going to help you. That's not going to work, okay.
Speaker 1They're going to do it anyway.
Speaker 2If you're gonna do one thing, you gotta do all the things. That's how this works. Listen, we'll find a way to compile it, making a list, making it organized for you, but trust and believe, like it's a whole cycle to this.
Speaker 1Nah, you right and and you said something earlier that just plays through, uh, plays true throughout this entire conversation. It starts with you. I think it's important to know when the emotional baggage on the carousel is yours. You know and own that thing without unfairly guilting yourself or torturing yourself with self-shame, and just acknowledging that those things exist without you know, making sure you cover your whole body in them. We got to land this plane.
Speaker 2You have to give your practical advice.
Speaker 1Oh, my practical advice on what again? On how we can learn to assume positive intent oh, yeah, how we can?
Speaker 2you said you had something in mind, did you forget it?
Speaker 1yeah, man, your, your point started getting good and I started.
Speaker 2I stopped paying attention to my own thoughts let me help you get it, and if you can't get it in the next 10 seconds, then it is what it is come on. I know that my strategy is very analytical, because that's how my brain works. You're a little bit more direct. It may not involve writing down, it may not involve this oh yeah, I got mine, I got mine, I got mine.
Speaker 1So, so mine isn't writing it down. Um, that that's never going to work for me. I'm, I'm never going to be the guy with a gratitude journal. I'm just not going to do it. But if you are, it's okay. Oh, nah, shout out to folks that use gratitude journals. I wish I could. I'm just that's not how my brain best processes these things. I think for me I need to take a walk and I need to talk to myself. I need to hear the thoughts that I think audibly. I need to hear my mouth saying I need to make these words real and then, once I say them, I need to find the parts that feel wildly irrational and I know that I'm mostly emotionally charged and I ask myself like what other shit is this connected to? What am I tripping off of right now? Am I using this one thing that I'm upset about as a gateway to be upset about everything that's unfair in my life, my brain?
Speaker 1loves doing that my brain loves that and then I can't stop my mind from doing that. But what I can do is I can slow it down and I can make sure that it doesn't bleed into other things. So my idea of giving grace is if I'm arguing and I'm in, I'm arguing myself, I'm bringing up unrelated stuff and stuff from the past, I just I stop that right then and there I ask myself if that's helpful. Sometimes it's not helpful and I stop and I try to think more constructively. Sometimes, yeah, I need to get this off, I'm mad about it because I'm uncomfortable with the feeling or because I feel it's a stupid thing to think that doesn't mean that it doesn't deserve any space, so I put it out there.
Navigating Relationship Communication and Understanding
Speaker 1Thing to think that doesn't mean that it doesn't deserve any space. So I put it out there. And it's really about me just having the opportunity to vent and say it out loud and say the irrational part and not make myself feel bad about it and then work back from there and try to find a solution. How do I make myself feel better? How do I help resolve this thing and help you feel better? Is it my job to help you feel better in this instance? Do I need to constructively talk through it with you, or do I need to just sit back and let you talk and let you cook? I mean, it's a million variables, but I can't figure out what to do if I'm feeling blamed or if I'm feeling angry or if I'm too hot about it, that the only thing I see is red.
Speaker 1So I got to calm down first, and my second thing is understanding the way that my brain works. One thing when you're with your partner, even if it's not a competition, they can make you realize your partner is going to do some things very well that you don't do very well. You're like damn, is my brain broken.
Speaker 1No, amy, she knows how she feels very quickly. If something happens, she can make a very quick determination whether or not she's offended. And that's her brain. She don't put no pressure on me. Me, if you say something wild to me, it may take me a week. It's like hold on, wait a minute. My brain just. We all got thinking and learning differences, so my brain processes those things more slowly. I got to also give myself grace man. Hey bro, you feel slowly. You got big feelings, you need some time.
Speaker 2But I pressure myself and some space, but I pressure myself to figure it out. Because I figure it out, because you figure it out.
Speaker 1Shit, I need to figure it out in a moment. No, no, no, nah, you got to do the thing that makes your brain function its best. You just got to make sure you talking. So it's not why you working through your brain stuff and it takes you a month, your partner out in the cold, they don't know what the hell going on with you. So sometimes it's a check in like babe, I'm still upset about the thing that happened, but I'm working through it in my mind.
Speaker 1I don't gotta tell her everything, but just tell her like hey, I'm thinking about this thing, I'm not bullshitting, I'm not sweeping stuff up under the rug. I'm still willing to to help figure this thing out. But you know I need a second.
Speaker 2Can I give you your flowers really quick? I know I always do it Give me, my flowers. So you processing things slowly and having like big feelings was the inspiration for me to write how I feel, because I am somebody that I think in most situations I can easily identify how I feel in the majority of the situations, but that's just how I feel in the moment. I can't always identify how I feel for real once the moment has passed.
Speaker 1I see what you're doing.
Speaker 2And yeah, that's why I write things out, because, like, yeah, I was offended. I'm a lawyer, I know how to like I didn't like that. Let me bring, bring up all the things that you didn't and why you're wrong, and I think that I can easily identify that I was offended by this, and that isn't true because X, y and Z. What I can't see is, yes, I was offended by this, but that wasn't his intent, intention. So now I'm fighting a battle that he doesn't even know that exists, and I got all my guns and all my army ready to blast them.
Speaker 1I'm over here like a lot.
Speaker 2He died yeah, and you're just like whoa where, where the guns come from, guys, what's going on, you know, and I just like that wasn't conducive to the health of our relationship and I wasn't doing it because it was like, wow, like Kira's so understanding and blah, blah, blah. It was more of a. I admired and was scared of the way that you will come back to an argument that happened a week ago and still be upset and say how you feel and for me, like the moment was fleeting, the moment is gone and now I feel uncomfortable and now I'm just like, well, I didn't even take my emotions that far to understand why I was uncomfortable. So now I feel like I have a great understanding of how you feel, and not only do you not have an understanding of how I feel, I don't really understand how I feel.
Speaker 1Oh, my God.
Speaker 2Yeah, it just opened a lot of doors for me to learn how to slow down.
Speaker 1It just opened a lot of doors for me to learn how to slow down. Slowing down, yeah, it's hard for me.
Speaker 2You know I'm always wired Like I got 15 business plans being populated in my brain as we speak right now Slow it down, Charlie. For real.
Speaker 1And it's just.
Speaker 2I'm just, I'm so analytical and it is so exciting and driving to me, but it loses the connection to the moment.
Speaker 2I also want to leave this message for the people that are watching this because they found a relationship where they feel like it is worth the investment, or they're in a relationship right now where they just feel like they need additional tools to their toolbox, because I think a lot of people speak enough about relationships that we shouldn't be in and we don't celebrate enough the relationships where we're still currently doing the work Like it always has to be bad and I need to get out or relationship goals for the people in between. I want you to take the tips from this like episode to kind of give you the check marks that you see in your partner, because if you're here and you're in a relationship, or if you're here and you're with your partner watching this, that means that you have enough of those green flags and enough of those tools in your toolbox where this is just enhancing a relationship that's already working, that just needs a couple of extra things. Yeah, and I just want to make sure that we are leaving room for those people.
Speaker 1No doubt.
Speaker 2You know what I mean, absolutely. So I absolutely look out for the red flags, but don't create red flags where there aren't. Look for the green in your partner and if you have enough, that is worth the investment. This is the investment. So I just want to make sure that we like, leave room for like those people in between those two scenarios.
Speaker 1Yeah, relationships out close with this. Relationships are really polarizing when we see them on screens or on pages because they're either like the worst examples or just irrationally the best examples or just irrationally the best examples. You know all the prim, proper, beautiful kids and the big house and, like most people, don't have all that, and we say this on when we do live events all the time. Most healthy relationships are pretty boring and uneventful like they kind of mid.
Speaker 1This is. You're not going to get into an exciting argument. You're not going to. You know there's nothing thrilling about it.
Speaker 2There's no tea there.
Speaker 1Yeah, it's just the functional relationship, and you can easily self-sabotage when that's not what you're used to, and that is representative of what a lot of different people go through. But that's just our point of view. We want to know what y'all think and what y'all are going through. Out there at the bottom of the comment section below, tell me what your biggest takeaway was from this episode. What aha moment did you stumble upon? What did you hear that was brand new and what did you hear that reaffirmed something that you already knew, but you just needed to get it again? Make sure that you hit the notification button so that you can know of all of our posts as soon as they post. Also, make sure you hit that subscribe button. That's very important. That's how we know you here for real, for real. Um, it's late, it's late, late, it's late. I got the smooth jazz voice going on. Ladies, I am taken I understand.
Speaker 2The voice is captivating and the haircut and the chocolate, I get it I get it, but I belong to this thing right here, right here.
Speaker 1We better go upstairs and watch some Netflix and snuggle on the couch until we fall asleep. Until next time y'all take care Be well.
