Relationships in the Social Media Age

Kier 0:00

Welcome to the sit down talk podcast, where real life meets real talk. My name is Kier , and I'm Noemie, and we welcome you. Make sure that you follow us. Also, make sure that you leave a review so other people know that this is a dope podcast.

Noémie 0:13

Awesome, so let's just get into it. Do you have a catch yourself scrolling through your feet pausing on those flawless snapshots? I'm wondering, does anybody's life actually look like this all the time?

Kier 0:23

I do, I do.

Noémie 0:25

Well, clearly, you're not alone, and that's exactly what we're diving into today.

Kier 0:28

We're peeling back the curtain on what goes behind those relationship gold comments. Relationship gold we're talking about the less than picture perfect moments, the bloopers and just the real, unfiltered work that goes into building the relationship.

Noémie 0:42

Let's be honest, who hasn't felt a little tug on their heartstrings, or tinge of indeed, when comparing their love story to somebody else's highlight reel?

Kier 0:50

Today's episode is kind of a heart to heart about the pressures of living your love life on social media and the balance between not only sharing it but preserving the sacredness of those private moments.

Noémie 1:02

So, from the joys and challenges of sharing our journey with you to the conscious choices we make about what stays just between us, we're exploring the give and take of love in the age of the internet.

Kier 1:14

Pulling back those layers like an onion. So say time we're going to lean into our shared experiences and let's reveal the beauty in the life beyond the screen.

Noémie 1:22

Welcome to the sit down talk podcast. Let's get started, y'all.

Kier 1:26

Whenever you see these microphones, you can almost assume that somebody is going to say something profoundly stupid. But not today. We have these microphones because the sit down talk is now streaming on all platforms. I don't know where he was going with it. I don't know what I'm going with it sometimes, but I like it when I land safely, make me feel good about myself. We have a topic that you and I talk about a lot today. Right, yeah, you want to answer it?

Noémie 1:53

Yeah, so one of the things that we always get from you guys is that we're so authentic and relatable and all of these things. But let's be real Social media is not a real place.

Noémie 2:04

It's not a real place. It's a lot of performative action. It's a lot of people put in their highlight reels, and I think that there was a time where everybody wanted to see that, but I think now people are really leaning into. What does life actually look like? How do people actually navigate their relationships, their parenting roles, their work lives? People really want to see not just curated, relatable content, but I want to see your dirty kitchen. I want to know what you and your husband be arguing about. I want to know what y'all talked about in therapy, because I need to know that I'm not alone and we're going to talk a little bit more about that and we're just going to flesh it out and how we look at it, especially with us being relationship content creators Always, yeah, because I know people be having us as relationship goals and marriage goals.

Noémie 2:54

I run away from that so much I don't want it, but I think that it would be a disservice to not address that, even though we say we're not perfect and we say that we go through things that regular couples go through, I think that we can stand to be a little bit more vulnerable, don't you?

Kier 3:16

Yes, oh no. Noémie and I are not the same kind of vulnerable in front of the microphone.

Noémie 3:22

I can't all I business when people come out and she will bear her soul.

Kier 3:27

Nah, I'm not doing that, we just have different levels of comfort with that. But I think her level of comfort with just sharing with everybody that's on the other side of the screen. I see it's inspiring to me Because, yeah, I want to be more of an open person. I'm not as open, I think, as people think I am, but I want to be more of an open person. But I also want to remain guarded, because social media is not a safe space. This is not a safe space where I'm right here. The internet is not a safe space for your thoughts, your beliefs. It's not a safe space in totality.

Noémie 4:01

Right, there are safe pockets. I think that it would be irresponsible to assume that it is a safe space.

Kier 4:08

For sure, I would agree with that there are definitely.

Noémie 4:11

There's some things you just should never show on the internet about your real life, and I think you were talking about this before about, like, parasocial relationships. I think people look at what's happening on social media and they really do confuse it with real life, and everything that people are saying online is like I know Kier because Kier does this. I know his habits because he says this. You don't know him.

Kier 4:32

People read it back to me and I'm like, nah, I see why you think that based on the things that I post, but I'm not the person you see on the internet.

Kier 4:40

That's just a small part of my personality, but I get it. What I've seen and just social media and people interacting with internet, social media, other people on the screen is this been this shift from folks wanting to have some sense of escapism, like looking at big luxury items they know they'll never be able to afford, or looking at really luxurious lifestyles and indulging in that content? But now I think, post pandemic people want to see themselves reflected in the content that they watch and they want to to your point. They want to feel like they're not alone. So I feel that way.

Noémie 5:12

I definitely feel that way, especially when it comes to like relationships specifically. I don't know that. I see I see similar couples to us as far as like producing similar content. But going back to the internet not being a safe space, it's not like we share everything with you guys. There is a lot that we kind of keep to ourselves, that we keep private in our relationship.

Noémie 5:33

I've looked online and I don't know that I found many couples that I feel like I don't see our mirror. I don't see some, I don't see couples or social media content in general that really mirrors what our real relationship looks like. I don't want to talk about that because a part of me kind of feels like I'm not a, not a fraud, but it's just like I would really just love to see a lot more honesty in like the day to day structure of relationships.

Kier 5:57

Let's get into it. So what does that even look like? Because I thought I wanted more honesty and then people started being honest about their lives on social media and I was like, nah, that's too honest, I don't need to know all of that.

Noémie 6:08

So is it like, when they're honest, like they're, they're talking about like the bad stuff? I think the honesty so when you say what's too much. Give me an example.

Kier 6:16

Yeah. So it's like the popular content where somebody might say, oh, my spouse doesn't do all of these things, like it'll be a video with music playing in the background, and then complain about something that they do a lot of, that their spouse does none of it. I watched the dishes Meanwhile. Look at the spouse over there doing nothing. Again, that reoccurrent content. I always think in my head. If you're on the internet and you're saying these things about your significant other or your partner one, I always wonder how much work you're putting into fixing these issues in your relationship instead of sharing it with strangers on the internet and you can be doing both at the same time. But the other part of me there's this humiliation aspect to that that's kind of nasty to me. I can't lie. It's so honest that it exposes your relationship in ways that just leaves it vulnerable to the opinions of people that shouldn't have an opinion.

Kier 7:08

People start to draw conclusions of you and your significant other. And whenever you know, baby, whenever you post anything on the internet, you sign an invisible agreement.

Noémie 7:16

It's not invisible.

Kier 7:16

You signed it, whatever they want about your content about your life, about your mom, about your kids, and there is nothing that you can do about it. So that, to me, is an example of oversharing. I'm sure it's hopeful people see themselves in the content, but the people who posted it, they always wonder what their marriages look like and their relationships look like when they partner see that content. Oh, my lazy piece of shit. For real, that's how you really feel.

Noémie 7:39

I feel like nine times out of 10. Sis probably said it out loud anyway. But two points. One, I agree, I think I definitely want to get into this how do you know what to share, when to share and whether you should share it? But also, on the flip side, just to play devil's advocate, I think that there is I hate to say women, but I feel like it's overwhelmingly women based on my content and my timeline. But I feel like there are women or maybe even people in relationships in general that are in those situations that don't necessarily feel comfortable telling their real life friends, but seeing it play out on social media or mentioning it on social media gives them a space where it's like oh, it's not just me, I think, because we're in this mental health kind of like just helpful space in general.

Noémie 8:23

The next question is what are you doing to contribute to that and what are you trying to do to fix it? But I think that first step is just like, oh, it's not just me doing these things. This is a common issue in marriage. Maybe I can look online for resources to fix it. I guess the general thing I'm trying to say is like you don't always have to put all of your business out there in order to get that back, and I think it's just a fine line of like how much do you want to expose you, your marriage and your significant other? Especially if you talk to it, it's about them. You know what I mean. But in the same way, we do have this resource where I can throw a question out there and within 20, 30 minutes I could have 15 answers. So it's just, it's a fine line. So I get it. I totally get it.

Kier 9:05

I think it's also a matter of how much you care. Like some people don't care. We care a lot less about showing and showcasing our private lives than a lot of people out there. People will think we crazy just for doing this.

Noémie 9:17

You think people still think we crazy.

Kier 9:19

I think there's a contingent of people out there that think that it's too, much to be in front of a camera talking about your relationship. Cause it's been a private shh shh things for longer than it has in this juncture.

Kier 9:30

So I think those people still exist. If people will think we crazy and if you like it, I love it, good for you. Clap it up round of applause. Do your thing, do what fulfills you. But with the social media thing, especially with couples, what I've noticed is there are times where there'll be one person who's really excited to share this information online.

Noémie 9:50

And the other person.

Kier 9:51

And the other person is either indifferent or like, nah, I'm not rocking with it at all, and sometimes the person who's really excited about social media be the person who's producing it and they'll put a lot of effort into it, and the other person's trying to be a good partner, so they're like, all right, I'll play along, and then the excitement and the thing just kind of wanes over time.

Noémie 10:10

Do you feel like that's the case with most Cause? You've mentioned this before and I'm wondering I don't see that play out in our dynamic. I don't know any other social media couples personally enough to know whether they're doing that, but do you feel like the majority of people who are doing that performative-ish kind of content is that what it is on the inside? I?

Social Media, Relationships, and Expectations

Kier 10:34

don't know, it's hard to say. Can we talk about the performative piece though? Oh, for sure, because we talk about that a lot. I got a lot more grace for the whole. Oh, social media's people's highlight rills. If you scroll from long enough, you'll see people who are really honest and post-day low light.

Noémie 10:48

And I love that, by the way.

Kier 10:49

I love that. I do too, I love that. That's out there now I love to see people with a dirty kitchen man Like oh, thank God, I thought that we were just slobs of the earth, because after we cook, we don't clean as we go all the time.

Noémie 11:02

Well, I I was funny is.

Kier 11:05

I was on Instagram and I saw a meme about when your partner don't clean as you go and other person went yeah, you driving me crazy and the way he's like LOL in the comments. That's fine.

Noémie 11:16

I mean, you want to know what's so crazy. I'm pretty sure I saw that post and I saw you like it and that's what made me LOL. Yeah, that's what made, because I saw it I sing and then I see at the top Keer games like this and I was like, oh, that's what made it funny to me, that's why I LOL.

Kier 11:33

Don't we sneak this in me on Instagram? Think I ain't going to see it. I'm everywhere.

Noémie 11:36

You saw it first. What are you talking about? You liked it first.

Kier 11:40

You. It's not like we follow that account together. It was on both of our main page, on our little explore page, and I'm just going and I saw the joint and I was like oh, let me see the comments First person. There is no Amy.

Noémie 11:52

He, I don't think you hear me. I saw you like it first.

Kier 11:56

You saw me like what.

Noémie 11:57

That post. When I saw the post on the top of the set Keer games like this post, that's what made me laugh.

Kier 12:03

Oh, that must have.

Noémie 12:03

I must have butt like that.

Kier 12:05

Cause I did not do it on purpose. The first time I've ever seen that.

Noémie 12:08

Oh he laughing, it's funny, it's funny, ha, ha, ha, ha ha. That was funny, whatever.

Kier 12:16

So, yeah, when you go on and you see people's lowlights and it makes you sad man, you follow these pages, like the blog pages that post the real tumultuous relationships. We don't have to say names, but the people who you know, they always fighting in the media or there's just a lot of trouble and turbulence and toxicity within their relationship dynamic, Like sometimes I see them like, ah, maybe we should keep it a little less real sometimes.

Noémie 12:42

I see what you mean.

Kier 12:43

You know, like it's, it's it becomes too much, and just being in front of the camera this way, I know that this thing puts pressure on you. I don't care who you are Like, after a while, if you get money or attention from doing a thing, you're likely to do it again and again, and again. That's like yeah, it's like keeping up with the Joneses, yeah.

Noémie 13:02

I just hate. I hate the fact that that's the case, because I don't know. I wouldn't even say that it's content creators alone that feel the pressure, because now content creators are keeping up with the Joneses and now the audience that they're catering to is looking at the content and now they also feel pressure. So now everybody feel pressure to be these people that nobody actually knows, yeah, that know, like these people actually aren't and like I don't know as much as I would love to say, like real, recognized real, and people can read between the lines, like I've even seen, and like people's interactions with us, like you know, just conversations, like yeah, I was listening to the sit down talking. I made my husband watch it because why can't he be like here?

Kier 13:45

Pause.

Noémie 13:46

Oh.

Kier 13:47

I was about to go off. No, not you pause them pause but not not say what you want to say, because I've heard that I don't love it. Like I made my, I made my husband watch your content and I said you need to be more like him. Like, oh, don't do that, Do not come.

Noémie 14:04

Y'all don't know him. Y'all don't know him like I know him.

Kier 14:07

Yeah, you don't. You don't want to smoke for real, you want what you think. The smoke is the positive affirmant words. But when you do something that ain't quite right, that you don't see, and I call you out on it and allow you to move away from it, because I love you and I'm holding you accountable. You're not going to like that too much.

Noémie 14:22

I am married to a therapist, not an enabler. Don't nobody want to deal with that all the time. Oh, I cut this too real. Nah, I like that though. Oh, okay.

Kier 14:31

Cause you know how I feel about enabling people. Yeah, Like bro everybody in your life enables you, I'm not doing it. Dawg, I'm not doing it.

Noémie 14:37

Kier doesn't sit at home and brush my hair every night and be like you are a queen. No, you are the wind beneath my wings.

Kier 14:44

No, I don't.

Noémie 14:44

You know what I mean, and it's just like Keep it real, baby.

Kier 14:47

What do you look like in real life?

Noémie 14:48

You are not romantic.

Kier 14:50

No, I am not. You told me I was hold on Wait a minute Recently Okay. You told me a few months ago that I was romantic and I was like did you wanna sit me? You were.

Noémie 14:58

Is it on the sit down talk you were.

Kier 15:01

Were so wait.

Noémie 15:03

What happened so?

Kier 15:04

much for the topic of the conversation.

Noémie 15:07

We bought a rabbit hole y'all Just for a little bit. We'll come back. What? You mean Baby, can I keep it real, real, real, real.

Kier 15:13

Not when you say baby, like that, cause it's gonna be nice nasty. No, it's gonna be nice For real.

Noémie 15:17

Yeah, it's gonna be nice. Look at your eyes. Look at your eyes. I can't see your eyeball.

Kier 15:20

They are open.

Noémie 15:24

No like for real. You've just been really on top of work lately. You've been really on top of business.

Kier 15:32

Here is how you hand somebody an uncomfortable truth in a comfortable way.

Noémie 15:36

You've been like, honestly, you've been killing it when it comes to like this business stuff and like, ever since I left my job, like you know, it's been a lot of added responsibility on you and I think that, like, he's been an amazing father and we talked about this before and I'm just not the priority right now.

Kier 15:55

Yeah, I don't feel like I'm being an amazing father. By the way, that's something you and I talked about. That's, I know that's me.

Noémie 16:01

That's a mine thing with me, I'm telling you.

Kier 16:03

I accept that I just don't see it right now. But as much as I want to.

Noémie 16:07

He is spread thin and I think that I give you a lot of grace, so I don't, I may not do the like hey, babe, like we haven't really gone out in a while, Maybe we should. I just kind of, you know, let you gotta figure it out. And if it gets to a point where I think one thing I'm really good at is if I feel like I'm about to be overwhelmed or I'm about to be frustrated, I always go to him before Like I think I'm in tune with myself enough to know like if this happens for another two weeks, I'm not going to be very nice.

Kier 16:41

You actually said that was a two weeks ago. You like, hey, you know, if this keeps going, I don't think I'm going to be happy.

Noémie 16:47

Yeah, what are you?

Kier 16:48

talking about, and then we had another date thing. Yeah, go ahead.

Noémie 16:52

So going back to like romantic thing, like we're kind of in a season where you know, like you ain't asking me to be on Valentine, you know we haven't been on a date. I mean, we actually just did go on a date, but before that, you know, Real talk, you being funny or you dead serious when you said being your Valentine? I'm kind of being funny, because apparently it's a thing right now, because your husbands don't be asking us why it's to be your Valentine's anymore and I don't know why.

Kier 17:14

Valentine's Day. I know I'm a therapist. I'm not supposed to judge stuff, but to sit down talk is my place. To be a human out of therapist. It's a stupid holiday. It's a dumb way for men to spend too much money on overt, symbolic love that boils down to nothing. It doesn't mean sh** to me, but my family does, so I buy balloons and flowers.

Noémie 17:36

Yeah, you got to get the girls from Valentine's Day stuff. Yeah.

Kier 17:39

Because apparently you know three other hundred three hundred and sixty four days in a year mean nothing if you don't do it on that one day.

Noémie 17:47

Okay, now we're spiraling. It's been over two minutes, let's move on.

Authenticity in Relationships

Kier 17:51

Christ sakes of mercy.

Noémie 17:52

Authenticity in relationships Prrrring the more you know.

Kier 17:57

That kind of brings up the whole thing you said about like people saying that we're authentic and what authenticity means. So, in your mind, is authenticity being exactly authenticity online with these couples, and is it being more of yourself or is it being hold on? That it was about the I don't know. That question makes sense.

Noémie 18:18

Can I give you my answer and you tell me whether that's?

Kier 18:21

go ahead and I'm still, I'm still workshopping that joint in my mind.

Noémie 18:23

So you know, before you even move on, I think that you and I always have different definitions of things, and my definition is always different than the Webster's definition, because so, when I think of authenticity, I think more of intent than I do in action. Like as a content creator. Authenticity means your intention is to provide your viewer with something that they can take away with, right, okay, it's not for likes, it's not for you know. You see this trend and you're just going to do this trend because you know a whole bunch of people are going to like it or it's going to be a lot of engagement. It's like. Authenticity means to me, like, okay.

Noémie 19:01

For example, I posted something today about like three things that I do to keep my husband happy. I'm going to be honest. I was trolling with the, with the caption, but the whole point was there are women here who are trying to figure out how to be, you know, happy in marriages, or they might be looking at us and like care, so happy. He loves his family, he loves his girls, he loves his wife. Like, what do you do? Okay, if you're asking that question, I'm going to give you an answer, and the answer is his happiness is his responsibility? Yeah, if you're asking yourself that question, there are deeper questions to think about. Yeah, so, like when I say that that content is authentic, it's like that's an authentic question that I had in our marriage and that's something that I actually sought to get the answer to, and I think that the answer that I got was really helpful, so I want to share that answer with other people who might be thinking the same thing.

Kier 19:49

And that's your definition of authenticity.

Noémie 19:50

Yeah, it's just like you're doing something for the greater good and it's something that you've actually thought like.

Kier 19:56

it's not bull, you know to me, authenticity is a reflection of your actual life in real time, and it's not like a super doctored or like you go on Facebook and you'll see the dude with the bummy clothes and a woman walks by with a big booty and he tried to talk to her and she don't.

Noémie 20:14

She just keep going. And he hopped in his life.

Kier 20:16

He hops in a luxury car and then she's like wait a minute, even though she's perfectly miked up. He's perfectly miked up, but keep in mind, if you move away from the mic you can't hear anything. So she's a part of the whole setup. You know what I'm saying? Like how can she stay perfectly in focus, perfectly on mic, like she doesn't move from out of the camera frame? It's also orchestrated by our understanding. Is entertainment? Social media is entertainment, and it's kind of like the church thing when people get mad at churches for making money. A church is a business. They just so happen to be in the business of God. Yeah, they have to make money or there is no church.

Kier 20:52

Yeah, Social media has to be either entertaining or informative. Yeah, or a mix of both. It's just now. People want relatability, but to be consistently entertaining in your regular life is hard, yeah that's a lot of pressure.

Noémie 21:06

Everything's not eventful every day.

Kier 21:09

You don't have something that people want to look at every day. So I think the pressure comes from wanting to be consistent with the type of content you make. But if you're doing life on life terms, there is no consistent anything. Things are different every single day. Maybe that's where creativity comes in. I'm going on long about this, but I say all that to say I don't know if audiences know what they want. I think people think they want authenticity, like people think they want to live in the woods because they think it's like a camping trip. When it's like that show alone.

Noémie 21:41

And you know what? My idea of who the audience is is different than your idea of who the audience is.

Kier 21:49

Who is it in your head?

Noémie 21:50

And it's me. So I think of myself, so I create. I literally create content for myself, or my younger self, or the person that I was whenever. You know what I mean. So a lot of my content is really focused on things that I would have wanted to know. So, naturally, it's gonna be like parenting stuff, relationships and like things that I'm going through right now. You know what I mean. So, like my audience wants day in the life. You know my audience wants girl. What was that vacuum that you was using? Because I'm not. You know what I mean, so I do understand that maybe I'm in a bubble. You know what I mean. Like, maybe I know we're gonna talk about this another time. Like maybe I am in a social media echo chamber. You know what I mean and my perceived reality is my reality. There's, like people outside of that, but I don't know what do y'all? Why are y'all on social media? What do you wanna see? Like I feel like I'm creating the content that I wanna see. Do you feel the same way about your content?

Kier 22:52

No, but the only kind of content I really like is, like, sports cars.

Noémie 22:58

You wouldn't watch this sit down, so I would never watch this. I would never watch this so I knew that I just wanted to say it.

Kier 23:05

I would never watch two people talk about their relationship. Love is boring to me. I don't find it interesting. I like helping people navigate the issues we love. I'm fascinated by people's concept and like their personal ideology of love.

Noémie 23:19

Can I get deep real quick yeah?

Kier 23:20

do that.

Noémie 23:21

Let me get comfortable, Babe. What is your why? Oh God Jesus, what is your why? Why are you doing this?

Kier 23:30

Well, like you got me somewhere making a, what's some collages women make out of? Magazines oh vision board, vision board. I feel like I'm at a vision board party. All right, give it to me one more time.

Noémie 23:40

What's your why? So, if this isn't the content that you would consume, you know, if you are not the audience for the content that you're creating, why are you doing it?

Kier 23:53

I enjoy talking about. Well, I enjoy talking to you on camera.

Noémie 23:59

You know what, though I think that I, I think I agree with you. I don't know that I would actually watch a full sit down talk either, but there is just something therapeutic, it's something really intimate about talking to you about the progression of our relationship and I feel like, while I'm not sure that I would watch a whole bunch of couples talk, I do also enjoy when we go on couples dates so we're having conversations with other couples, like just having that dialogue. I really do enjoy that and I enjoy normalizing the fact that, like, husbands and wives can talk about serious shit and it doesn't always have to be an argument.

Kier 24:41

Yeah, for sure, the sit down talk to me is a better thing in retrospect because I can go back. I think the advantage we have over a lot of people in the world is we can go back and we can look at our relationship and we can look at like our personal thoughts and our takes. I looked at a video sitting on talk from two years ago. I don't even think that way anymore Did you cringe.

Kier 25:00

A little bit, but I don't cringe at like my bad content on social media when it's old because you had to start from somewhere.

Kier 25:06

If you don't cringe at your old stuff, that means you didn't grow, so I don't mind that aspect of it. But it's just funny. It allows me to not one allow things to sit on like on top of my chest for so long that they become bigger deals than they need to be, like I'm able to say, hey, I'm really upset about this thing. Maybe, no, amy did, maybe the kids did, maybe it has nothing to do with y'all, it's just some life stuff. I'm upset with this thing, but I was upset about some f***ing two years ago and I don't even remember what it was. It's not that deep.

Noémie 25:38

It'll pass.

Kier 25:40

It kind of allows me to step away from my feelings and not put them on like an armor suit and wear them everywhere. You know I'm already a big filler. It's hard for me to shake when I'm down, so I don't need to add any more fuel to that fire. But that's the thing for the sit down talk to me and shout out to y'all for loving, love and loving to listen to love and loving to listen to us. So I want you to put down below in the comments what your favorite thing about the sit down talk is. It don't gotta be love related, but I am curious to know what y'all like about it.

Navigating Boundaries of Personal Sharing

Noémie 26:10

What's y'alls why for listening to us? What's your why? What's your why I'm like doing so much inner work right now. I hate the way that I speak, but, like y'all, like I'm really. I'm really like this now, like this is my personality now. Like I haven't always been a really open person, I mean with Kyrgys, but like just in general, I'm like fake open, like everybody thinks that they know me so well.

Kier 26:38

They know 10% of 100%.

Noémie 26:39

They know 10% of 100% and it's like I used to wear that as a badge of honor, like, look, I'm private and blah, blah, blah. But it's like then you get older and you're like, oh, you really don't know me. So you know, just thinking about our relationship and the fact that we pretty much share all our not all our business, but a lot of our business with the world, like going back to the whole, I share 10% of 100%, like that's the theme that we've always had with the sit down talk.

Kier 27:04

I think I said that wrong. I think is.

Noémie 27:07

We share 100% of 10%. Yeah, I share 10%.

Kier 27:10

but I give you 100% of that 10% yeah.

Noémie 27:13

So I think, like as a viewer, as a listener, as someone who's kind of like seen us and experienced us as a couple, I think it comes across that we're like just to keep it a thousand, that we're way more open than we are in real life. I was gonna say authentic, but I don't think that's true. I think we are 100% authentic, but I don't necessarily think that we share everything.

Kier 27:34

So I wanted to kind of yeah, I wanted to talk and authentic content is still curated.

Noémie 27:38

Right, but the question I was trying to ask is like how do we decide what to share and what we don't share? Because, I don't know that. I do that super intentionally. Granted, our content is editable, so I can go back and be like, ooh, I don't like the way that's said.

Kier 27:56

Let me take that out.

Noémie 27:56

You can make it seem like you wanted to say it, but we've done live events. We have a lot of practice talking to other people, to big groups of people, about our relationship. But, like, how do you kind of measure what to share and not to share?

Kier 28:09

So I remember when I was working in education, before I did content full time this woman who was in a conference with me was talking about the sit down talk and she brought up something that we brought up that was still a little sensitive. Do you remember what?

Noémie 28:23

it is I don't, I don't.

Kier 28:25

Yeah, it was like four years ago, but she brought it up and it hit me like a ton of bricks, like yo, I don't know you, and you just kick something back to me that me and my wife still kind of argue about a little bit.

Kier 28:37

It's like I don't like that and I think in that moment I realized how it felt to realize way too late that you overshared. So it makes me conscientious of what I say before I even say it. That one and two. Like I don't really want everybody in my business business. Somebody said like I do all of this for the world, I'm keeping this for myself. I think Beyonce said that about her marriage. Like you've got to keep something for yourself and this is not a business, this is not a gimmick, this is not a way to make money. This is the only person in my family that I have ever chosen. I don't play about that man. This is wonderful. I love all of this, all that we do. The 700, 800,000 followers, however many we got across all platforms. I love it. I love that for my life. I love sharing with these people. But none of that is more important than my marriage. Remember we did that one episode. We told people don't come on front of camera talking about shit y'all ain't talking about in private.

Noémie 29:39

Yeah, Yo, Like it's that principle just enlarging. You know what I'm saying.

Kier 29:45

That's my reason that I don't overshare. I don't forget that moment when that lady came up to me and spit all my business back in my face.

Noémie 29:53

I'm trying to think if I've ever felt that way, Not in relation to our marriage or our relationship. It's kind of flip side. So mine is about parenting. So I feel like can we talk about that parenting?

Kier 30:06

thing, the video. This is a clinic in authenticity. Go ahead, you tell the story.

Noémie 30:12

Can I provide some background? It is your mic, kira, and I talked about this story last night and it was a little tender so I just Not tender. I didn't. I couldn't think of another. Cause I wanna be like he sensitive. Cause it's not. Tender is a word.

Kier 30:26

Even if you don't know what it mean, they just sound like what it means.

Noémie 30:29

Like moist.

Kier 30:31

Ooh, shout, my door moist. I don't like unstrap Ugh. Yo, please don't do that. I will walk off set dawg. Okay. Okay, all right. Why is the inside of your mouth so noisy?

Noémie 30:45

That's when I hear the word moist.

Kier 30:47

That's what I hear. Please, please, let's move on, okay okay, okay, so story time.

Noémie 30:54

Maybe this was last year, the year before here posted this video.

Kier 30:59

I'm sorry, I'm trying to get breast moist. I'm trying. Please continue. I'm grown now.

Noémie 31:09

Cause that sounded mad grown Okay. Okay, story time guys, for real. So a couple years ago, maybe last year, maybe the year before I remember Keer no, it was right when Cindy was born, so about two years ago, keer posted this video. Play the video.

Kier 31:22

Three things non-birth and parents can do when baby comes. One do it. Try to take repetitive tasks away. It prevents you from always having to ask what can I hope you with Cause the answer is probably everything Cleaning the supplies, refilling water, ordering lunch. It seems small, but it reassures the fact that you are great hands to be in. Two just listen. The fourth trimester is real. There's so many changes going on, but who better to share with than you? Ask questions, check in. This is a dope chance to not advise or try to problem solve for, but just be a listening ear. Three get your hands dirty. My wife breast feeds, so my job is diaper duty Automatically, I don't even have to think about it. That's my role. By owning at least one exhausting task, it distributes the duties more evenly.

Social Media Realities and Vulnerabilities

Noémie 32:09

Job well done. I just remember the video. It got a lot of traction. It was a sponsored post and then it went viral Like everybody in a mama done saw it.

Kier 32:20

People still asking me if they can repost that, oh my God.

Noémie 32:24

And people just used to come to me and be like, oh my God, here's just an amazing father, like you're just so lucky. And at the time I was like, thank you. But in real life this man was sleep. This man could not be woken up in the middle of the night. So it's me over here, rockin' Sydney, on Instagram, reading the comments like, oh my God, he's amazing, he's blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile this man is asleep and I'm like, babe, I'm tired, babe, wake up. And he just wouldn't wake up.

Noémie 32:59

So at the time it's like, yes, he's an amazing father, yes, he's an amazing partner, but today I hate him and the world is telling me to be grateful because he's doing something that he's not actually doing right now, in this moment. And I was like so, like internally disheveled because it wasn't like it's not true, it's just not true right now. And the whole world thinks that our life looks a certain way. And that just made me rethink the way that we kind of come across on social media, because it's just like if I kept it too real, then that's too vulnerable. I'm not going to be like he ain't really like that y'all. Then everybody's going to be like yeah, he ain't shit like everybody, and that's not true.

Kier 33:43

Either that or you're going to get smoked by the people saying you better be glad you got somebody to love you girl, you're lucky, you're lucky.

Noémie 33:48

Look at what he does and blah, blah, blah. I don't like when women do that to other women, neither do I, but I think I handled it pretty well because I also can. This is the newborn phase. It was ghetto out here for everybody. You know what I mean. So it wasn't personal, it didn't feel like a personal attack, but it really did make me think about how we share our relationship publicly and what we keep private, because that's a really fine line.

Kier 34:16

That time was ghetto down. You know what, though? I don't think you're wrong for feeling that way. I think you're entitled to that feeling, absolutely. We talked about it last night. It didn't sound like that. That sounds like she put her lawyer.

Noémie 34:29

professional copywriter brain into that. We're also on a team. I don't know. I would never say it the way that it came out last night, the way she kicked it at me last night. I was like damn it sounds like I didn't do nothing.

Kier 34:40

But last night I had to have a conversation I don't know how comfortable I am sharing that on camera and she asked me why, and I tried to put words to the feeling and the only word I could come up with I feel so stupid even saying it now. But I felt exposed. I don't know why. It didn't feel good. It felt like maybe I'm trying to protect my image or something which isn't true, because yeah, if you wash a breast pump on Monday and don't do it on Tuesday or Wednesday, it doesn't mean you're the best dad in the world. It doesn't mean you're the worst, it just means that you're human and you're inconsistent with the task. But I felt like it made me look like I was a fake or a fraud a little bit.

Kier 35:18

And man people got venom on social media, man, and I don't mind. You can say what you got to say about me, but it's the fact that I'm in a professional space and I can't fire back You're gonna be mean to me. My words are meaner trust me, but one I don't have a desire to be mean to you.

Noémie 35:35

You don't no-transcript.

Kier 35:37

Sometimes, yeah, I suppress it. I suppress it because it's not helpful, but when people are mean to you, it's okay if you want to be mean back to people. It's not okay to always just pump venom into everybody's veins because they crossed you.

Noémie 35:49

Let me add something it's okay to react and respond, but also be mindful of the consequences of your actions.

Kier 35:57

Yes.

Noémie 35:59

But still I'm gonna get in that ass. Still, though, I'm gonna play with me.

Kier 36:04

I thought about it and I want to challenge myself to be more vulnerable. I don't think that's a story that really happened.

Noémie 36:10

You know what I'm saying, Of course.

Kier 36:11

I did all the things I said I did in that video that I do it all the time.

Noémie 36:14

No, he's an amazing father, especially during that phase, nobody's gonna do it.

Kier 36:18

all the time. And I thought that you sharing that story would give a lot of couples some room to give each other grace, because I know I look like I walk on water on social media.

Noémie 36:26

I get it, like I get it. He accumulates just like everybody else. What he a husband, just like everybody else.

Kier 36:33

I laughed on my kids yesterday in the car for fight. I'm like yo, it's eight o'clock.

Noémie 36:37

Why y'all yelling at each other? It was seven.

Kier 36:42

I lost my mind. You know it's okay to be human, but also, babe, your standards are high for compatibility. You're very unimpressed by the other people who find it impressive.

Noémie 36:53

Yeah, it is. I'm not ashamed of it. But it's also like.

Kier 36:58

I know you're not.

Noémie 36:59

I'm unashamed Very. Whatever I know but I also recognize that is a personality trait in me that, like I can't do nothing about, trust me, I won't be like this. I don't want to be like this all the time.

Kier 37:11

I don't want to be like this. What is?

Noémie 37:12

this Just my expectations for just things in general, like why I gotta want that. I don't want to want that.

Kier 37:19

I don't want to make life more difficult on myself, but I that made me feel so bad for you because I will tell you, I'm not the perfect husband, especially for her. Like, just the way my brain works, it is opposite.

Noémie 37:31

But it works because you're honest. Think about when we first started dating, Like. My biggest thing was like do you Show me who you are, Give me the opportunity to decide whether or not I like that, Damn.

Kier 37:41

that's another so-and-so episode. That's a scary proposition to be your whole self up front.

Noémie 37:47

I know that, I know that, but just coming from like the way that my brain works, I'm not gonna try to impress you. If you like me, cool, if you don't, I'm out.

Kier 37:59

That's not where I was going, though.

Noémie 38:00

Oh, where are you going?

Kier 38:01

You're not impressed by me.

Personal Growth in Relationships

Noémie 38:03

You're right, I'm not. But going back to your life experiences and your perceived reality, I come from a two-parent household.

Kier 38:09

Super dad, I come from.

Noémie 38:10

Like my dad is Kier, Like I, literally I married man that's so Kier has the brain of my mother.

Kier 38:16

That's an insane sound by you.

Noémie 38:18

Kier has the brain of my mother. He's just like my mom Charismatic and intelligent and like a go-getter and all of those things. But then he's also like super dad, like my dad. My dad was everybody's dad. He was the girl dad. All the things that this one does with Emery and Sidney my dad still does.

Noémie 38:36

I mean, like I don't know a better father than my father. Y'all neck and neck at this point. So, like in my head, I don't look at what he's doing as extraordinary, I look at it like duh, that's what dads do, because that's what my dad did.

Kier 38:47

But babe, like even on, and this ain't even bragging, like even on a list of once, like what people say they want in a spouse, a man, Go ahead, say it, say, it say it, say it. I'm gonna sound like a bragging. Say it, say it, say it, say it. I gotta follow up.

Noémie 39:02

Nah, nah, say it, say it, say it.

Kier 39:03

Check so many of those boxes? Yes, he does.

Noémie 39:06

I made a list before I met him. Oh, I'ma drop the list. Let me know if you want me to drop my. Sierra list. The list is crazy. He's everything on that damn list. I didn't even know him yet when I wrote the list.

Kier 39:16

Before I met you, when I tell you there are women that will praise you like a god if you have three of those 100 characteristics. I have 99.999% of those characteristics, with a 1% margin of error.

Noémie 39:31

And I wouldn't settle for anything less. I mean, that's the baseline. Oh, that sounds horrible.

Kier 39:39

It sounds so bad. I mean it does but shout out to being raised on a real specific type of love and intentionality. I wish that everybody could get a little piece of that. But I'm also not beat for somebody who beat for me. Don't be obsessed with me. That's the quickest way to turn me off.

Noémie 39:54

That's scary. It's not that it's not man. I've had that experience. I've had that experience too.

Kier 40:00

And it's like shawty stop giving me compliments. Like please. I get it, thank you, but God, it's inauthentic at this point. It don't feel real.

Noémie 40:08

At the end of the day, while, yes, you check off the majority of my boxes. I'm not going to share the list with you because I want you to come back, but the list isn't super specific. At the end of the day, it's. You got to be kind, you got to be confident and you got to be on top of your. That's essentially what it was and I feel like with you. The reason why you really check off those boxes is because I fell in love with you as a person. You weren't here trying to impress me. I've been in relationships before where the dudes do the cartwheels and do all the things and then you're in a relationship for three, four months and it's like, oh, that's how you really they front load the relationship.

Kier 40:43

I don't like that. I don't like that. All the incentives up front and then in the back.

Noémie 40:47

I don't like that. And one thing I love about our relationship and I think a lot of it is because we came into this not necessarily thinking it was going to turn into a relationship. It was fun, so I didn't have to impress nobody, he ain't have to impress nobody. Granted based on our personalities, we wouldn't have done it anyway. But I think that it was just a really natural transition into a relationship. And I think that I have grown since we've met, but I'm not a different person. It's not like I had this mask and now the mask is off. You think I'm different. Oh, what'd I start? Go ahead. I think that you are.

Kier 41:22

You think I'm different.

Noémie 41:23

I think that you are you think I changed?

Kier 41:25

I think you are different enough. You're not a different person like literally, but I think the changes in you from six years ago to today- Like when we first meet. Big enough contrast yeah. Okay, to where it's like I'm with a different person.

Noémie 41:42

Wow, in what way.

Kier 41:44

Patience, understanding, relationship to control. I see that Relationship to get in your way, relationship to compromise, admitting you were wrong up front, like being like letting your armor down yeah, like Noemi one of the things that I admire about her, but it's a part of her personality I struggle with the most, is you not? She has this thing like you ain't gonna make me feel bad. Like you not gonna see her sweat. She got the stone face like it's good because I know her, I can see behind it. But the opposite side of that is if you hurt somebody and then you like, well, ain't you gonna make me feel bad?

Noémie 42:18

Just like whoop.

Kier 42:23

Hey, shout out to the sit down. Talk Almost kept it. It's comfortable, but y'all feeling like yeah, like hey, like I need you to show that you have some level of remorse. Babe, it's I, man, I'll give you your flowers.

Noémie 42:37

Perspective no, I love that, it's crazy.

Kier 42:39

You are a completely different person. I think that the change in you kindled the change in me and I think the change in me kindles the change in you and we just keep building the stack and like that I wish everybody could get that.

Noémie 42:52

I love that you shared that, because that wasn't my perspective. But now, thinking about it, it's like, yeah, but I feel like I also changed. I had to grow up Like, though, that mentality doesn't work as a spouse, that mentality doesn't work as a parent that mentality don't work as an adult.

Kier 43:08

Since when does that matter? When has this stopped anybody from indulging in any of those things, believing that the way that they see the world is the right way?

Noémie 43:16

Hey, but if you're doing that in a work, you are very aware of yourself.

Kier 43:21

And that's that's.

Noémie 43:22

That was. That was it for me. That was it for me. I think our relationship and the progression of our relationship there was like a mirror in front of me and it's like how are you going to go to therapy, how are you going to go to couples counseling? How are you going to address the issues that you have with him on these issues? But you ain't willing to listen to the issues that he has with you. Like that's just not sustainable.

Noémie 43:43

My thing was I want to win, and winning to me looks like a successful marriage. In order for us to have a successful marriage, it's not just work on your part. I got to do it too. So, like for me, I would say, like changing wasn't something that I would do. It wasn't something that I wasn't willing to do because I knew that that would lead to a more successful and happy relationship between the two of us. So I feel like once I was confident that that's where we were headed. I didn't have that much of a problem bending and adjusting and changing. But I'm not doing that for you in the beginning. For what?

Kier 44:17

That's what you were saying. Hey, let us know in the comments below if that sounds bad, because I'm right there with you.

Noémie 44:23

I'm in a place where, like I, don't understand.

Kier 44:25

I don't know you. Why am I giving you all this up front?

Noémie 44:29

It sounds so bad.

Kier 44:31

I think more people need to have more discernment about those type of things. Some folks give it up so quick. Do you remember dating? Like how fast folks give up everything, man. I remember one time this I love my wife. I could tell X stories and she's telling all the stories.

Noémie 44:48

I'm here, man, let's check I was messing with one time.

Kier 44:51

I don't know if it's bad to call women chicks, so I'm going to switch that. This woman, this woman that might be the wrong answer.

Noémie 44:58

As long as you don't say female, you all right. I would never yeah this chick.

Kier 45:01

I was messing with. I was sick one time and she was like oh, I'm going to bring you some of my special soup, and I'm like nah it's okay, I just got like a little cold Special soup.

Kier 45:08

Yeah. And then she's like, no, I'm going to bring you some soup and some tea. And I'm like, nah, you don't have to do that. And then she like hits me up, like, hey, what kind of soup you want? I'm like, nah, I'm good man. She came to my door with soup, tea, bread, everything, anything else you need. Please stop. I don't like you this month. Oh no, I don't Like. We don't know each other that well and I feel like you're doing these things to make me fall in love with you or make me like you, or like to build trust, like your manufacturing this connection that we don't have. That's inauthentic.

Noémie 45:42

I can't rock with you, yeah, yeah.

Kier 45:45

I stopped talking to her shortly.

Noémie 45:47

I've been in that situation before, but it's just like let me love you. Like, let me, and it's like and it's like I don't want to be an a*****, I want to be like get the f*** away from me, but like, please, like, just it ain't it and that's okay.

Kier 45:58

That's okay, and I need you to accept that it's not okay. So, I know that, but I need you to know that too.

Noémie 46:04

Can I add one more thing? Man, let us know if this was helpful Like this. This was fun. You know, we we are, this was fun, Okay.

Kier 46:13

That's like what you say to like somebody who spent the night, but you know you don't ever want to see him again. Yeah.

Noémie 46:18

No, I I don't know why I said it that way. I think I'm just like I'm, I'm, we've been talking for a while we all, yeah, I love y'all, but like we done here.

Kier 46:26

In the spirit of authenticity. We're tired of talking about this. Make sure that you follow us. Leave a review for the podcast. Also, if you're a part of the YouTube audience, make sure that you like. Make sure that you subscribe. Comment down below. Tell us what your biggest takeaway was from this conversation. We are happy to be back. Man it feels so good to be back. We out here. Hey, thank you so much. We really appreciate y'all. We'll see y'all next time. See y'all next time.